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Opinion


OP-ED: I Wear a MAGA Hat Just so Someone Will Make Eye Contact with Me

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.


OP-ED: I’m Dead Inside and Steal My Roommate’s Shampoo for the Rush

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.


OP-ED: Don't Even Talk to Me Until I've Had My Poppers

I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?


Oh Fuck: Exam Is Cumulative

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 


Incoming Freshman: Take Advantage of Your Peer Advisors Before They Ghost You for the Next Four Years

You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late. 


I Don’t Date Temple Boys Because I’m Scared of Mumps, and Also a Raging Elitist

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.


Survey: Help Us Improve the Penn Experience

Your response to the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) will help us to further enhance the general vibes on campus. Please complete your PISS by clicking on this link.


OP-ED: If My Professor Didn’t Want Me to Fall Asleep, Then Why’d He Turn off All the Lights?

It can’t possibly be my fault I fell asleep during your class. The air was warm, the chairs were comfortable, and the room was literally pitch black.


OP-ED: I Don't Support Big Pharma, I Only Support Small, Local, Family Pharmas

I myself have many friends who have fallen victim to horrible addiction and by no fault of their own. No, it is the large, slimy, money-grubbing corporations that are to blame. They are the ones to profit from the addictive nature of the human body, and these corporate pigs care nothing for the individuals that are affected.


OP-ED: Stop Complaining About Your Thesis. Martin Luther Wrote 95, and You Don't Hear Him Bitching

Martin Luther wrote 95 of them and still had the energy, motivation, and balls left over to spearhead the entire Reformation.


Guest Column by College Republicans | Why We Invited the Flayed Corpse of God to Campus

The flayed corpse of God is clearly controversial. For one, does God even have a corpse? 


OP-ED: What If We Kissed in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room?

We could study, but only a little. We’d almost certainly be consumed by our passions.


Take That! My Teachers Never Believed in Me, but I Just Got a Job at WilCaf, so Who's Laughing Now?

I remember my history teacher told me that I wasn’t gonna get into college, my english teacher told me I would never get a job, and my french teacher told me something in French that I couldn’t really understand, but, based off his tone, it seemed like it was mean.


OP-ED: But Where Are the Halal GALS?

Is it too much to ask for smaller gyros to fit my dainty, feminine mouth?


5 Ways to Rock the Confidence of Scoring That Internship with Your Dad's Friend

With your new internship you got from your dad’s fraternity brother, you’re now the most qualified person in your friend group in all aspects of life. 


Is She a Witch or Does She Just like Hozier?

Being a witch is fine, but being a Hozier fan? You know she’s going to be into some freaky stuff.


Screw You Goldman, I Can Sell Açaí Bowls at 1300% Profit Margins

Throw a couple mandarin oranges (call them by their Spanish name to make it seem more expensive) and a kiwi into a bowl, say it’s from some island off of New Zealand, and there will be a line of white women out the door by 11 a.m..


Happy Earth Day! Here's Some Pics of Me on Expensive Outdoorsy Trips

If all the turtles die, who am I going to swim with when I go back to my fave spot in Kauai? Def not my mom lol. Pleaseeee save the turtles so I don’t have to hang out with my mom in Hawaii! 


OP-ED: Just Because It's Warm out Doesn't Mean Professors Should Wear Shorts

I don’t care if you have the sweatiest ankles in Pennsylvania. You have to wear pants.


OP-ED: I May Not Give A’s, but I Do Give High Fives

Instead of actually making the course more challenging, I’ve just decided to eliminate the letter A from my repertoire.


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