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“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 

Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 

Top 10 Animated Characters That Sexually Awakened You

Even after all these years, you're still so turned on right now, aren't you, you nasty lil' horn dog? 

Here's How to Justify That Party You Went To

Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.

Breaking: Men Still Not Funny

Their millennia of social and political domination has provided them with everything except a sense of humor.  

Penn’s Right: Online Classes Did Make Me Cheat On My Bf

An hour into my Physics midterm, I found myself in some guy's bed, knowing that I had a week to turn it in.

No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You

Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.

Op-Ed: Nicki Minaj Deserves A Pulitzer Prize

The fact that Bob Dylan has a Pulitzer Prize and Nicki Minaj does not is utterly reprehensible.

If Everyone Is Beautiful in Their Own Way, Where Are the Ugly People?

I know that ugly people did not just disappear, even if they can trick us by editing their imperfections away using FaceTune.  

Coronavirus Caused Me To Lose My Sense of Taste In Men

I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.” 

UTB MadLibs: Can YOU Help Donald Write His Victory Speech?

I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.

Op-Ed: I Got the Best Sleep of My Life in the Pile of Mulch I Booked at Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I cannot recommend the Four Seasons enough! My only complaint is that there was heavy traffic during our checkout time due to some sort of cult propaganda shoot or something.

Election Fixed All Our Racism Problems, It's Time To Go Back To Brunch!

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!  

Op-Ed: I'm Anti-Flu Shot Because I Need Both My Arms for Jerking Off

Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg. 

19 Year Old Mole Actually Speck of Dust

People tell me that things could be worse ("you could have COVID!") and that I should pay attention to more pressing matters ("worry about the election!"). But the thing is, COVID is just a conspiracy and the election isn't even that important. The bond that I had with my mole was real. And I have lost it forever.  

OP-ED: Only Losers Vote Early. I'm Voting Fashionably Late.

So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.

Presidential Election, Who? Damn, No One Told Me That Was Yesterday

What a shame Trump might win Pennsylvania on a razor thin margin. If only people had gone out and done the work… reminding me to vote. 


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How to Tell Your White Friends That They Will Spend the Rest of Eternity Burning in Hell

The idea of piety is fundamentally at odds with the cultural habits of white people. The idea of salvation is, quite frankly, laughable.