So, we’re lighting up right? Come on, there's no way the professor checks in on us. We’re freakin’ breakout room six, man! No holds barred!

Based on my high-tech Fitbit, I can guarantee that I've spent 99.5% of my time within a one-mile radius of my house. Having spent so much time here the past few months, I thought it was fitting to give you a tour of my special little island filled with highlights from my town.

It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and call it as we see it. “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” must be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me In The Ass.”

I began wondering, why are people surprised by the events of 2020? Like Cats was basically the introduction. And no one said anything?

Hey I’m so sorry can you resend me the zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it. 

My mom's lunch ensures that I will get at least two fruits and veggies, a sandwich (PB&J with the crusts cut off), a glass of milk, and two Oreos. With a wide variety of fruits and veggies including carrot sticks, celery sticks, apple slices, pear slices, peach slices, and strawberries, I'm consistently and dare I say eagerly left guessing what's for lunch.

Penn students are coming to terms with what they owe to those around them. Finally taking decisive action, my fellow students have begun redistributing funds back into my Venmo to cover the cost of brunch from last spring. 

This pandemic has been pretty tough on everyone. For example, the other day I made soup and it took a long time. So frustrating! :/ 

In my day, I’ve seen a thing or two. I know that when cottage cheese turns green you’re supposed to throw it out. In much the same way, I know that when an article is number one for too long, someone is manipulating page views on the UTB website.

I brought Gutmann's salary up in an email to the Penn administration and they said I was "treading on thin ice and should stop my investigation". I thought that they were just trying to protect their enormous salaries and continued my search. It was then I found the tragic tale of a woman who is force-fed 4 million dollars every year.

Lucky for me, my girlfriend goes to law school in New Jersey, NOT New York. (She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her.) I am so thrilled that I will be able to visit her every weekend during the school year. 

To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly. Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. 

Isn't it crazy that Joe Biden and I thought the exact same thing about me not being a VP candidate? Wouldn't Joe Biden and I work so well together? Haha jk... unless?

"Why am I still required to have a meal plan?" is one of the top questions on the Penn Dining FAQ page. Some speculate that Penn just wants to rake in the money, but in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?

Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on? 

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you.