I brought Gutmann's salary up in an email to the Penn administration and they said I was "treading on thin ice and should stop my investigation". I thought that they were just trying to protect their enormous salaries and continued my search. It was then I found the tragic tale of a woman who is force-fed 4 million dollars every year.

Lucky for me, my girlfriend goes to law school in New Jersey, NOT New York. (She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her.) I am so thrilled that I will be able to visit her every weekend during the school year. 

To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly. Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. 

Isn't it crazy that Joe Biden and I thought the exact same thing about me not being a VP candidate? Wouldn't Joe Biden and I work so well together? Haha jk... unless?

"Why am I still required to have a meal plan?" is one of the top questions on the Penn Dining FAQ page. Some speculate that Penn just wants to rake in the money, but in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?

Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on? 

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you. 

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.

 Lfklfjksj uughwhjhsd brughsgdjhds hhdjdj ughhhhhshj. Agfshddhdfjkfd.

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 

My n   ame's Blurr  yface an d I c  are w hat y ou thi    nk

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.

Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.