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Opinion


OP-ED: I'm a Liquor Control Enforcement Officer and My Job Is Very Important

This past Spring Fling, several colleagues and I were dispatched to ensure that students were having a safe and legal weekend by going undercover and attending college parties. I am writing to inform all of you that this was extremely important and very much not a “waste of time and resources."



OP-ED: Hey Mom, Can't FaceTime Right Now, a Penis Is Literally Entering Me

Sorry we haven’t talked in a while :/ You always call me in the middle of my Penn Appétit meetings, so I can't pick up.


How I Blew All $100,000 of My President's Engagement Prize on Luxury Shrimp

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 


Screw Astronomy! What Does the Black Hole Mean For My Morning Horoscope?

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?


OP-ED: Is My Professor Too Busy to Respond to My Emails or Are They Playing Hard to Get?

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.


Great: Now Lindsey Has Yet Another Reason to Talk About Her Time Abroad in France

We got the shot with a baguette (and a deliberately suggestive comment about other baguette shaped items), the shot in the Louvre (posing next to a sculpture — she doesn't know which one), and the shot capturing the end of her time there with her making a faux-sad face saying she never wants to leave this “magical place.”


HeyMySpaceBarIsBrokenCanAnyoneHelpMeWithThis?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.


OP-ED: Frontera Should Be Replaced by Another Pret

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.


OP-ED: It Is Aries Szn and I Totally Understand What That Means, Haha

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.


OP-ED: There’s No Chance That I’m Gonna Catch Feelings, but There Is Definitely a Chance I Catch the Mumps

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.


The Real Magic Gardens Tickets Are the Friendships We Made Along the Way

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 


OP-ED: Gender Neutral Bathrooms Are Great, But When Will They Build Bathrooms for Men?

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.


OP-ED: Men with Gigantic Backpacks Can’t Take All the Space in the Classroom

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?


OP-ED: Now That It’s Spring, My Balls Are Sweaty

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 


Here Are 4 Flouncy Skirts for You to Black out in This Fling

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will Brad Fuck Your Girlfriend at Fling?

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 


OP-ED: Let the Organ Music on Locust Headline Fling

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.


My Parents Wouldn't Pay for My Tuition to a State School, but I Found My Home at Beta

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.


Yo, Can You Venmo Me 60 Cents for the Condom I Used Last Night?

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.


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