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Opinion


OP-ED: Mom, I Swear I Tripped and That's Why There is a Circular Bruise on My Neck

Yes Mom, these bruises on my neck are from when I fell down the stairs of my apartment building.


OP-ED: Why Does No One Laugh At My Super-Relatable Jokes About My Tiny and Obscure Major?

Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one.


Results Are In! Girls Aren't Intimidated by You — You're Just an Asshole

I know you think your confidence and good looks are intimidating, but I’m here to tell you that women aren’t intimidated by you — you’re just an asshole.   


Meet the Current Penn Undergrads Who Are Engaged Ranked by How Wild It Is to Me That They Did That

Coming in hot at number 4 are Stacey and Jeff. It was not so wild to me that Stacey and Jeff did that.


OP-ED: Yes, Bumble, I Am Buzzworthy, Now Tell That One Guy Who Hasn't Responded in 17 Days

As I carefully scrutinize men's grammar, hairstyles, and mirror pic to non-mirror pic ratio, I receive a Gmail notification and feel a tingle.


OP-ED: Can Campus Apartments Get Me a New Lease on Life?

This year, however, I cannot be fulfilled by a five-bedroom on Baltimore. Having a roof over your head is great, but what I really need right now is the chance to start anew.


OP-ED: Yes, I Have Never Been Single. No, I Did Not Have a Traumatic Childhood

 I was hanging out with my girlfriend Katie. No, no, not Katie Smith — we broke up last month.


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Fuck Jeff From Writing Sem?

It’s Friday evening and you just got out of writing seminar, your loins aflame. For the past hour and half you have ogled the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure of ogling. His name is Jeff, and he is one hot tamale.


OP-ED: When Is It Time for My Suitemates and I to Start Speaking Freely About Pooping? It's Gotta Happen Eventually, Right?

Freshman Fall often lends itself to intimate suitemate bonding — you'll likely see them cry, laugh, and even vomit within the first two days of NSO.


OP-ED: My Kid’s Not Playing Football. Just Look at Me!

No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.


OP-ED: FYI, I Took Adderall For This Party So Don’t Worry If I Accidentally Create An App

I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.


OP-ED: If Penn Isn't Going to Stock Tampons in the Public Bathroom Dispensers, They Should at Least Fill Them With Candy

Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.


'That Wasn't So Bad' and Four Other Idiotic Things People Say Seconds After Failing Their Exams

Ignore that deep gnawing in your soul and plaster a half-hearted smile on that disgusting face of yours as you utter these words to your friends.


OP-ED: Why We Should Close Walnut to Cars and Turn It Into the World's Largest Urban Iguana Sanctuary

Cars harm the environment and clog up our cities, and it’s high time we do something about that.


OP-ED: I'm Looking For A Sugar Daddy Who Will Pay Me in Dining Dollar$

Listen, I’ve spent all but $9.24 of my Dining Dollar$ for the semester at Pret A Manger — sue me!


Can’t Afford a Whole Building? Other Places to Score a Dedication, by Dollar Amount

Here are a couple ways you can still score a coveted dedication while paying off your student loans in this lifetime.


Quiz: Is That Smell Aged Gorgonzola Or Your Roommate's Sheets?

I can only smell it in our room, but I haven’t ever left the room so it could be further than that.


'I Dabble in Photography' and Other Ways to Casually Imply That You Don't Spend Your Free Time Re-Watching Friends

“I’m in a secret club.” Damn straight, and the only members are you, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, Monica, and Ross. And occasionally Janice.


Knock Knock! It's Your Cool RA — Talk To Me About Your Sex Life!

 You can tell me anything. Specifically, you can tell me about all the sex you've been doing.


OP-ED: My Cocaine Use Doesn't Define Me, But My Pants With Vertical Stripes Do

It is easy to label me for my drug use. But what really sets me apart are my fun, rebellious pants. 


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