So when I logged in and saw that Handshake was proposing Ice Sculptor as a potential career path for me, I knew I had to hear my best friend out.

I won’t be checking my texts — I’ve gone off the grid.

Everyone who has gone to Fro Gro knows that it is more difficult to pay for items than it is to steal them. In this vein, paying for items is both an excessive display of wealth and a gratuitous means of holding up the self-checkout line. 

Oh, are you sad? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna fucking cry like a wittle baby? Oh, that’s just classic. "But I love you, FroGro," you'll say through tears. Really? Then where were you when I needed you? 

Ep Eta has two choices: it can either rebrand itself as simply an environmental club or fully embrace what it means to be a fraternity and make all its members eat bullfrogs.

Penn should pay PILOTS because aviators matter too, and I'm sick and tired of airplane PILOTS not being given the compensation they so clearly deserve.

Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).

Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.

Selling for $20. What a steal, right! Right? Please tell me this is right. Please. Someone hold me. It's so hard sleeping alone.

I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.

I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim. 

But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.

 Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty. 

You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.

Have you been feeling hopeless, panicked, or uncontrollably sad? Well, rather than seeking help or telling yourself that you are loved and have lots to look forward to, there are several reasons why you should actually feel guilty about your depression, even though it is an illness you are not at fault for.

Just wanted to reach out to offer you a formal invitation to join an exclusive club. Like, this is super legit. No no no, not Friars. I'm inviting you to join... my professional network.

Uh oh! You've been logged out of your iCloud account. But no worries — of course you know your password. Or do you? Take this quiz to find out!

But I mean if anyone drops and you need an extra guy I guess I could find the time in my schedule.