My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore.

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?

I mean, these cojones? Inflamed? No way in hell, broseph.

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. 

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.

That's right, a full 15 minutes after the hour-long meeting began, Katie burst through the door apologizing for her tardiness. She didn't give an excuse, but her banana whip with chocolate chunks and cookie crumbles shows no signs of melting.

Don’t get me wrong. You seem super dope with your high-top converse and all, but this isn’t working out. 

haha i mean well yea my mental health isnt [100 emoji] at the moment u know

As I looked across campus, I couldn't miss the mass movement of students turning up in all shades of green, making their total commitment to a progressive Green New Deal heard loud and clear. 

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.

Ever since me and my 500 roommates moved in, everyone has been so welcoming.

My parents pay my rent, and I see no indication that they will stop any time soon. They’re relieving a large financial burden on me, which allows me to fund my extremely expensive Ketamine habit. 

Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting. However, I too only want one thing.

Are you telling me that not a single person made it to page 52 of my long-form satire from last week? 

You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?