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OP-ED: I Only Fuck High Metabolism Athletes Because They Can Eat More of This Pussy

Look: We are all watching our weight, and some men can’t afford to eat very much of this pussy.

OP-ED: I'm Out East This Weekend, I'll Circle Back With You on Monday

I know that this may be kind of inconvenient for some of you, but I promise I'll circle back with you on Monday. Let's put a pin in whatever we're working on until I get back. Just don't email me, please.

OP-ED: I Drink, Wash My Dishes, and Bathe in Wawa Water

Wawa water is not just for drinking.

Our Date Was Going so Well, Until He Had to Get Extra White Sauce

Our first date was going so well, so I thought why not take it to the next level and go to a food truck.

Evacuate the Dance Floor: I Want to Listen to '20 Something' by Sza Alone in the Middle of This Frat Party

Thanks especially to the brothers of Gamma Rho Kappa Kappa Upsilon Phi Beta Beta Beta for putting on this shindig—it’s been a blast.

OP-ED: It’s Not Penn Face, I Genuinely Enjoy Taking 7 Classes, Being on the Executive Board of 18 Clubs, and Applying to 97 Internships

I really couldn’t imagine myself being any happier here at Penn. I’m so lucky to be in a place that not only allows me to excel academically, but also elevate and find more new interests and passions than my peers!

OP-ED: Please Send Me Your Answers to the Homework (So I Can Compare)

Hey, friend. I see you’ve finished the problem set due tomorrow.

OP-ED: Choosing Your Child's Major is a Personal Decision—There's No Need to Rush

College is a time full of endless possibilities. It’s very understandable if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with all of the choices your child must navigate. 

5 Supplemental Vitamins That Say 'I Am Slowly Deteriorating'

Here at Penn we live in more of a petri dish than a melting pot, and so as you slowly fall apart this October and November, check out these 5 supplemental vitamins whose sole function is to keep you operating at a basic human level. 

The Ten Best Erasers For When You Realize Your Whole Exam Is Wrong Five Minutes Before It’s Over

If you write very lightly, you’ll be able to smoothly erase your entire exam with just this little thing in under 15 minutes.

Smart! Put Completed Tasks on To-Do Lists So You Finally Have Something to Cross Off

Looking for the hit of dopamine that comes with the strikethrough of a daunting assignment without doing any additional work? 

OP-ED: I'll Eat Mold If It Gets Me a Room at the Inn At Penn

When I applied to Penn, I made sure to put the Quad as my top housing priority.

Climate Change is Going to Kill Us All in 15 Years—Who's Tryna Fuck?

The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?

OP-ED: Please Read This. My Dad Thinks It's Cool When My Posts Are Popular.

If the post is popular, there’s a good shot my dad will text me about it. He might even say something encouraging like “Nice job!” or “Cool.” 

OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much

Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.

How to See a Future with Him Even Though He Leaves His Wet Clothes in the Washer Overnight

His dorm manners are definitely not husband material, but here’s how to see a future with him even though his clothes have probably been sitting in the washer overnight. 

6 Ways To Cope When Your Mom Destroys You At Beer Pong

Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought.

OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite

Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite. No homo, though.