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Opinion


OP-ED: I Could Also Win an Oscar If I Tried, I’m Just Kind of Busy Rn

"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"


OP-ED: I Got into Penn Once, and I’m Pretty Sure I Could Do It Again (If I Applied Early)

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.


OP-ED: I Enter Upper Quad Just to SABS My Way down to Baby Quad

My destination? The womb of this campus: baby quad.


OP-ED: Add the Quaker to Smash Bros, You Cowards

I know what you’re thinking: it’s going to be hard to keep the game balanced when adding such an immensely powerful character.


OP-ED: Capital One Cafe Isn't like Other Cafes, It's Worse

It’s a microcosm of coffee and money. At this point, Penn should look into adding it to its real estate portfolio.


Mom, Can You Pick Me Up? There’s No Alcohol at This Party

I thought it was just going to be a fun relaxed night of binge drinking, but instead they found old video games in the basement, and now the night seems like it’s going to be really wholesome. 


OP-ED: Are You Sneaking a Banana out of Commons or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

I might grab an apple, perhaps a kiwi or even a pear if I’m feeling adventurous. I could even grab a banana, like you seem to have maybe done.


Dear Malia Obama: Forget That Lame Shit, Let's Do Fireball Shots

You’re telling me you’re at a Miami beach party, and you’re just gonna causally sip some wine? Not even fun wine like Franzia.


OP-ED: Amy Gutmann Isn't Muslim, but I'd Have No Problem With It if She Was

In this hyper-polarized climate, in which people (especially Muslims) are viewed far too often with contempt, scorn, or fear, it's important to be an ally. Today I am officially declaring that if Penn's president Amy Gutmann was Muslim, I would be totally cool with it.


OP-ED: A Letter to the Mask and Wig Boy Who Offered a Flyer to the Girl in Front of Me on Locust, but Not to Me

There you were, 100 feet away, nervously standing in the dappled sunlight of Locust Walk. Despite the freezing weather, your somehow still-sweaty hands clutched a stack of flyers: invitations to your beautiful soul.


OP-ED: Penn Should Use El Chapo’s Drug Money to Renovate DRL

Sure, there would be some drawbacks to renovating DRL. Penn could no longer use it as a haunted house. That one family would have to move out. Any money spent on renovating DRL is money the university can’t use to build the next New College House.


OP-ED: The Opportunity Rover is Dead and I Will Never Love Again

It was only supposed to be a quick summer romance – three months at the most. But then you reached out, and we kept our love burning. 


All I Did at Penn Was Snort Cocaine. I'm Okay With That.

The hyper-competitive Penn culture can make us feel that we need to do it all and have it all, but I don’t let it bother me because I’m literally a fucking G.


OP-ED: I’m Taking Presidents Day off Because It’s What Van Buren Would Have Wanted

Martin Van Buren might have had his birthday back in December, but that's no excuse for me not to skip my 9 a.m. on Monday.


5 Notebooks That Will Stay Together Better Than Your Spring Break Plans

We all know your spring break plans are going to eventually fall apart, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to as well. UTB has compiled a list of five sturdy notebooks that will stay together despite the fact that they have a paper due the Monday after spring break. 


Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me

I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot.


Album Review: Why Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” Is 2018's Best Album to Take a Stubborn Poo To

Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” has guided me through type 4 logs and type 2 craggly poos. Truly Sheck has been there through the best and worst of times.


Why Studying Abroad in Wisconsin Was the Best Decision I Made at Penn

I made a lot of unforgettable friends and had a lot of unforgettable experiences: eating cheese curds straight from the barrel, wearing a cheese hat at the packed Packers' stadium, sharing a Snickers salad with my Midwestern boys.


OP-ED: If Amazon Won't Gentrify Queens, I Will

It is my duty to move to a neighborhood with fast-casual dining options, some warehouses for art or music performances, and streets that are dirty enough to be interesting but not dirty enough that I mess up my Common Projects.


OP-ED: I Shop at Trader Joe's, and Yes, My Shits Are Better than Yours

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. 


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