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Opinion


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late, but Hey I Brought a Small Sandwich Just for Me

Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.


Just Because Your Dick Itches Doesn't Mean You Can Adjust in Lecture, Jeremy

It’s just that when you’re tugging at your meat clappers right in front of me, I can’t help but feel 1) slightly uncomfortable and 2) slightly disgusted. And Lord knows, I am not the only one in that lecture who has noticed.


OP-ED: If You Have Your ExtraCare Card, Please Scan It Now

Swipe or insert card and follow instructions on pinpad.


OP-ED: Forget Princeton, Gimme a Duck Fartmouth Shirt

Why was our rival selected without the letter swapping motif in mind in the first place? 


OP-ED: Hey, Can You Crack My Back?

ow we can get back to the marketing project. Except, I have knots. Horrible, horrible knots. Honestly, they’re the worst knots I’ve ever had, and I bet you’ve never seen knots worse than mine. If you could just take your elbow and jam it into my shoulder, I’d owe you big time. 


Myth or Fact: White People Wear Shoes in Bed

What sociopath would willingly bring their dirtiest piece of clothing into the sanctity of their white sheets?


Stop Asking for My Opinions You Will Not like Them

I speak over my Engineering friends and tell them I should have gone to MIT even though I can’t count. I walk up to nurses and explain how cancer in the prostate works. 


Review: SHS Appointment Just a Series of Chairs You Move to For No Apparent Reason

After a 45 minute wait, I was called back into a care room. I was told to take a seat. Trying to jump the gun, I sat on the operating table. I like how the slight elevation makes my legs fall asleep as they dangle.


An Open Letter to Penn Students: Consider Moving to New York

I know that many of you will graduate from Penn and pursue career opportunities in the great metropolitan centers: your Toledos, your Fort Waynes, your Wichitas. But I implore you, my fellow Quakers- consider moving to humble New York City.


OP-ED: The Adults in this Class Should Have to Take the Midterm too

Why should Harold, who yes may have retired from a full-time job and just wants to learn art history for fun, be deprived of that stress formed community as well?


OP-ED: At This Point I Would Change My Name to Carey Law School For, Like, $5

If I was in Penn Law's shoes, I totally would have changed my name for that much money. You kidding? Jesus Christ, dude. You know how many fucking textbooks I could buy with that money?


It's Equality: My Girl Calls Me Daddy, But I Call Her Mommy

I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason.


OP-ED: Now That It’s Cold Out, I Can Wear Multiple Sweaters to Hide the Fact That I Am Several Ferrets and Canned Vegetables Stacked on Top of Each Other

The strangeness of my body type (mostly a mass of tangled, wriggling ferrets and canned corn) is most conducive to sweater weather. Then, my body appears normal, at least when I am artfully arranged on a large leather armchair. 


OP-ED: Oh, You’re in a Comedy Group! Boy Do I Have Some Ideas for You!

You know what’s also really funny sometimes? Penn jokes! Like about how Wharton students and how they love finance lol. That’s good comedy. Why do they love finance so much?


Letter from Amy Gutmann: What Is the Netter Center?

For this reason, I am asking you, the students, to inform me, Amy Gutmann, about a new program that Penn has very recently implemented. I am, of course, asking about the Netter Center mindset that has taken over the campus. Students, I hear you. This Netter Center building is important to you. I would love to know why.


Hey, Does Anyone Know When Photos from the Chestnut Hill Potter Festival Are Coming Out?

Is it too much to ask for some high-quality pictures of me playing quidditch in the heart of historic Chestnut Hill?


4 Ways to Make Your Roommate Think You’re Having a Lot Sex

Furthermore, an occasional high five after your response can go a long way. Body language is key in making your roommate think you’re getting some. 


Respect: This Guy Gets It

It ain't easy. It ain't hard, either. Some guys get it, some don't.


OP-ED: I Only Got into Penn Because of My Elaborately Dressed American Girl Doll Collection

I own 21 dolls, 13 of which are historical, and I have to dress them for their respective time periods unless I want to look like a goddamn fool when I carry them around with me.


OP-ED: Amy Gutmann Will Die One Day and This Makes Me Sad

Amy Gutmann ages, just like the rest of us. And when you age too much, you die. And when you die you can’t be the president of the University of Pennsylvania.


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