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Opinion


Stand Down: Katie Brought a Banana Whip to Club Meeting and Has Something to Say

That's right, a full 15 minutes after the hour-long meeting began, Katie burst through the door apologizing for her tardiness. She didn't give an excuse, but her banana whip with chocolate chunks and cookie crumbles shows no signs of melting.


An Open Letter to the Person in the Stall Next to Me: Please Leave so I Can Shit, I Am Terrified

Don’t get me wrong. You seem super dope with your high-top converse and all, but this isn’t working out. 


OP-ED: Can We Do Your Place Tonight? I Have Crippling Depression so My Room Is Really Messy

haha i mean well yea my mental health isnt [100 emoji] at the moment u know


OP-ED: On St. Patrick's Day, Students from All Walks of Life Turned up to Support the Green New Deal

As I looked across campus, I couldn't miss the mass movement of students turning up in all shades of green, making their total commitment to a progressive Green New Deal heard loud and clear. 


OP-ED: I Swear It Was a Deviated Septum. Dr. Blum Doesn’t Even Do Cosmetic Procedures.

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.


OP-ED: I Want a Job Where I Can Give Back, Because I'm Not Qualified for All the Competitive Jobs

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.


POP-ED: Hey Champ, How’s College? Your Mom and I Are so Proud of You. Call Us Sometime

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.


OP-ED: I Don't Know What Everyone Is Complaining About, I Love Living in the Quad

Ever since me and my 500 roommates moved in, everyone has been so welcoming.


OP-ED: My Parents Pay My Rent, and I Expect Them To Continue Doing So

My parents pay my rent, and I see no indication that they will stop any time soon. They’re relieving a large financial burden on me, which allows me to fund my extremely expensive Ketamine habit. 


OP-ED: I Only Speak to Men Because I Need a New Emotional Support Animal

Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting. However, I too only want one thing.


Heartbreaking: New UTB Writer Discovers Nobody Reads Beyond the Headline of Articles

Are you telling me that not a single person made it to page 52 of my long-form satire from last week? 


OP-ED: Do You Even Know Who My Father Is? Is He Proud of Me? I Would Really Like To Meet Him Someday?

You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?


OP-ED: You Couldn't Even Pay Me Gutmann's Salary to Finish My Writing Sem Homework

Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.


You're Welcome: Here Are 12 Free Sentences You Can Just Drop Right Into Your Essay

Don't worry about plagiarism or anything; you have my permission to just fling these into your work willy-nilly.


OP-ED: Scoot Squad, We Run These Streets

Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.


Life Tip! Name Your Child Steinberg-Dietrich If You Want Them to Have a Building That's Named After Them

It is hypothesized that if everyone were named Steinberg-Dietrich, the class system would collapse, as no one would be able to tell who the real Steiny-D is.


5 Snarky Comments Your Roommate Kevin Probably Makes as He Steals Your Toiletries

“Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”


Hey I Left My Juul in Ac Have You Seen It?

But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?


OP-ED: Why Is It Called Morning Wood and Not Breakfast Sausage?

It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste.


OP-ED: God is Dead, and the Smell of This Man Next to Me in the Elevator Killed Him

My creator has surely abandoned me in this time of need, left me to float in the warm, sweat-scented air of this metal container, hurtling upwards towards what I hope will be my eventual demise.


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