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Opinion


OP-ED: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Trying to See What You're Writing on iMessage

Yeah… just tilt your screen down a little bit more… sweet Jebediah, that’s the ticket.


I Pay Lyn by Giving Her Bites of my Sandwich, and You Should Too

A wise man once said “If you give a man a fish one day, you give him one fish for that day, but if you teach a man how to be a fish, then he can be your fish for a lifetime”. This is exactly why I pay Lyn for my bacon egg and cheese by giving her one bite of my bacon egg and cheese. 


OP-ED: It's Easy to Breathe in a Mask

Freedom is in the air.


How to Get a Bid From Any Frat in 30 Seconds

Even though dirty rush is 3 months long, if you move them hips with a purpose and you talk really fast, all it really takes is 30 seconds to lock in that early bid. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace Amy Gutmann With a White Guy

The Girlbosses have taken it too far. We need an intervention.


OP-ED: We Need a Moratorium on the Word “Neoliberal” Until I Figure Out What it Means

 Maybe through defining that which isn’t neoliberal I can escape this mental prison.


Here’s Why I Endorsed My Pledgemaster for Management on LinkedIn

Needless to say, I was proper pledged and mastered.


PSA: Don't Leave Your Bag Unattended. I'm Rifling Through it Right Now.

I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.


Op-Ed: You Heard So Much About Me? All Good Things I Hope, Haha

Yeah, for sure, let’s get dinner.


Help! I Took Adderall and Now I Am On Adderall

But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall. 


I’m On the REES Mailing List Because I Love Deleting Unread Emails

The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done. And there is no new thing under the sun.


Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?

I was already so trashed at that point.


Dear Penn: Stop Giving Us Tote Bags and Start Giving Us USB Type-A to Mini-B Cables

Think logically about it: What do you even use a tote bag for? Holding groceries? Carrying heavy books? See, it’s practically useless — not to mention mundane as all hell.


Coming Clean! Two-Step Verification Is My Best (And Only) Friend

Alright… maybe our friendship isn’t perfect, but at least I’m not my roommate. She’s best friends with the bot that sends AI pictures of feet. 


Help me! I am Addicted to Picklebacks

I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.



Open Letter to My Sister Who Played the Piano When I Was Napping

"I AM SLEEPING! COULD YOU PLEASE NOT PLAY THE PIANO WHEN I AM SLEEPING?!" 


Guy With "Don’t Tread on Me" Flag Basically Begging to be Tread on

Goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you.


​​Your WiFi is Insecure; Compliment That Hoe

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.


Becoming My Mother: A Cautionary Tale

I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother. 


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