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Opinion


Penn Students, Start Misusing Your Privilege More

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.


OP-ED: We Need You on a Dining Plan So We Can Pay the Mortgage on Huntsman Hall

 Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget. 


Penn’s Commencement Plans Overlook Orthodox Jews and Those Who Already Booked Their Bora Bora Tickets

Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora can be corrected. 


Resumé Leaked From the Guy Who Landed the Goldman Sachs Internship

Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year 


From Marriage Pacts to Engagement Days: Penn’s Promise of Everlasting Love

Absque amore est vita inutilia. Life without love is useless.


Ned’s Declassified Penn Survival Guide

Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success! 


Pandemic? Quarantine? It's 2019: Let's Get Some Shake Shack

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.


What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?


Sturdy Girl Looking for Well-Balanced Guy

Please send in a picture (FULL BODY!!!) and a brief description of yourself. Include BMI, favorite position, income, and list of daily vitamins. I promise that if you are the right fit, we will have an amazing time together :) 


OP-ED: Penn Greek Life Spreading COVID-19 Is Dismissive Towards Those in the Philadelphia Community That Failed To Get Bids

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”


Report: Second Floor Panera Bread Fraught With the Hostile Stares of the Better Adjusted

But is any of this effort enough to gear me up for the absolute bloodbath on the second floor of Panera Bread? 


OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.

I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t. 


Let’s Abolish the Pipeline from NASCAR to Penn Transit

When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.


Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.


Bill Gates? 5G? The Real Truth Behind DP+

Tracking Penn students is the DP's ultimate wet dream.


Girl Who Hates Her Birthday Makes Big Deal About Birthday

I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.


OP-ED: COVID-19 Sucks, But Old People Suck More

I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.


Exclusive Hot Bitch Location: The High Rise Stairwells

Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.  


It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.


How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet

You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?


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