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Jon Diamond-Reivich


Articles

Yuck! This New Food Truck Tastes Like Cardboard

The truck was called “FedEx,” which I assumed to be some version of Tex Mex.


Accidentally Called Your Teacher Mom? Now She Gets To Spank You

You asked for this after all. Who’s your mommy. 


Penn Enacts Policy Replacing Midterms With Vibe Checks

Hell yeah, guys. After years of lobbying the school for positive and effective change, we finally have made some progress. In a statement earlier this week, boomer Amy Gutmann proclaimed that the school will be replacing all midterms with straight-up vibe checks this year.


Called It! Trevor's Grandma Died over Fall Break

Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.


I'm All for Socialism If It Means We Redistribute the Sex on Campus

All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.


I Slept with My Professor and Got a Worse Grade

When I left, after a totally appropriate amount of time might I add, I thought all parties had an adequate experience, and adequate should be like a solid B I think. 


So Do We Just Steal from Mark's Cafe Now?

Why in the world would I not just grab my Sushi and Red Bull and walk away?


Take That! My Teachers Never Believed in Me, but I Just Got a Job at WilCaf, so Who's Laughing Now?

I remember my history teacher told me that I wasn’t gonna get into college, my english teacher told me I would never get a job, and my french teacher told me something in French that I couldn’t really understand, but, based off his tone, it seemed like it was mean.


HeyMySpaceBarIsBrokenCanAnyoneHelpMeWithThis?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.


The Real Magic Gardens Tickets Are the Friendships We Made Along the Way

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 


Move over Groundhogs Day! I Know Its Spring When Fraternities Start Playing Pong outside

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 


This Desperate Guy Keeps Asking Me to Meet Up, Claims He's My 'Advisor'

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 


Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."


Hey I Left My Juul in Ac Have You Seen It?

But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?


5 Mixed Drinks That Scream, "I Won't Be Able to Get Hard Tonight"

You know one thing for sure: no matter what happens, you will not be getting hard tonight.


Dear Malia Obama: Forget That Lame Shit, Let's Do Fireball Shots

You’re telling me you’re at a Miami beach party, and you’re just gonna causally sip some wine? Not even fun wine like Franzia.


Didn't Have a Valentine This Year? Haha Loser Get Fucked

The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.


As a FNAR Major, I Take My Dick Pics In Portrait Mode

While all of you schmucks are probably carelessly snapping photos of your junk (emphasis on the junk), I’m making art.


OP-ED: I'm, Like, The Fourth Hottest Guy In This Writing Sem

So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.


Something Spooky Is Going On In The New College House West Pit

What is the school hiding from us? Maybe there’s a community of gremlins down there. Maybe it’s some cool old bones. I think the most likely option is probably that it's Steve Buscemi's hidey-hole. 


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