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Anna Fighera


Articles

Junior Who Has Never Known Love "Hates Love"

Jennifer Mensito (E '21) "fucking hates" Valentine's Day because "it's fake, and so is everyone."


REPORT: Many Horses Are Being Tranquilized on Penn's Campus

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers


I Entered Commons and Left Uncommon

I entered 1920 Commons quite an everyday fellow: okay character, good head of hair,  a personality both robust and mellow.


Socially-Anxious Sophomore Gets High Off Leaving the Party Early

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.


Tour Group Mistakes Sadness in the Eyes of Students for Intelligence

“What could they be thinking about? Gosh, these kids are so damn smart! Geniuses!” He looked at his son’s smile and excitement for life and almost winced, as if to say that such a visage could not possibly fit in here. 


UTB Actually Very Bad, Low-Quality Publication

Yes, one might say, we are different, but being different doesn’t mean we’re any good. 


'My Time at Penn Was Transformative,' Says Alumnus Who Acquired a Cocaine Problem While Here

From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.



Penn Students in Line at Smokes Actually Extras From a Cliche College Movie

Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling. 


OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?

MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE. 


Student Takes Quick Bathroom Break to Scream into Toilet Before Presenting on Philly Parks' Urban Design

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Wow! Denise from Intermediate Latin Can Really Throw It Back

“I guess you could call me a Caligula,” she once said.


Its Great to Be Back! In My Cubicle on the 3rd Floor of VP

Upon returning to campus, I visited my old friend to dust off its smooth, vandalized sides and to caress it.


I Transferred to Wharton to Concentrate in Accounting

Basically, I was born to account. For things. And that’s why I transferred to Wharton.


Incoming Freshman Wants to Major in Econ Because It's 'Interesting'

“Econ is definitely on my mind right now. I don’t know, the whole study — the field itself — is so interesting to me, you know?” 


Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  


Op-Ed: Yeah, I Met a Guy This Summer. His Name Is McKinsey.

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  


Scene King: Student Owns a Sharpie

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.


OP-ED: Frontera Should Be Replaced by Another Pret

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.


Click-Bait: I Just Described a Penn Student I Saw on Locust! Click to See If It's YOU!

Spruce Street is her refuge, the path for those on this campus who crave a shred of anonymity. Protecting her from the sight of others, her Penn cap says it all: “yes, I’m a low-key bitch. And, you’re also right — I do go to Penn.”


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