Anna Fighera


OP-ED: I Don’t Care That I Just Failed My Econ Final — My Husband Will Be Richer Than All Of You

“It’s okay, though, don’t worry about me,” I said to address their grimaces. “My husband is going to be rich. Like really rich. Probably richer than everyone in that lecture hall, actually.” 

E.D. Admitted Students Excited to Share That 'Yes, Penn Was my First Choice, and Not Because my College Counselor Said I Wouldn't Get into Princeton’

Sarah Rosen, a student admitted from Farmingdale High School, shared with UTB: “Yes, I’m incredibly excited to join the Quaker family! There’s not one other community I’d rather be a part of!

Innovative! Unconnected Freshman Checks Snap Map for Tonight's Moves

Priscilla Wang (W ’22), or "the ultimate plug" as she's referred to by her friends, always pulls through with the moves.

BREAKING: Stolen Bookcase From Gregory House Depreciates Worth Of Dorm By 97%

Gregory House suffered an excruciating cut to its net worth this past Friday as a bookcase — the dorm’s most monetarily significant asset — was (impressively) snatched from its first floor “library.”

Impressed Penn Tour Group Literally Blown Away By High-Rise Wind Tunnel

At around 1pm this past Wednesday, a fifteen-person Penn tour group was propelled into midair while being lead through the violent high-rise wind tunnel. 

Anti-Social and Academically-Challenged Freshman Came to Penn to 'Work Hard, Play Hard'

“Yeah, I mean given who I am as a person, Penn was just the right choice for me,” chronic procrastinator and recluse James Rojas (C ’22) shared with his friends.

Junior Wearing Penn Apparel Gets Shit On by Bird — Here's What That Pigeon Has to Say

Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike.

Girl Whose Parents Donated $20 Million Still Fucking Owes Me $30

She wants her (parents’) hard-earned money returned! 

OP-ED: When Is It Time for My Suitemates and I to Start Speaking Freely About Pooping? It's Gotta Happen Eventually, Right?

Freshman Fall often lends itself to intimate suitemate bonding — you'll likely see them cry, laugh, and even vomit within the first two days of NSO.

Innovative! Huntsman GSRs Turn Into 'Hotel Party,' But Don't Worry, My Wharton Friend Can Get You In

All nine Group Study Rooms were fit with a unique theme: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery — it was quite the hit!

OP-ED: I'm Looking For A Sugar Daddy Who Will Pay Me in Dining Dollar$

Listen, I’ve spent all but $9.24 of my Dining Dollar$ for the semester at Pret A Manger — sue me!

Freshman MERTed Out of Exam: 'That Had Me Fucked Up'

"After I read that problem about the Pigouvian tax, I knew I was done for."

Engineering Junior in the Midst of Applying to Internships Attends Seance, Hoping to Recall Soul from the Dead

After Jenny Teller (E ’20) was told by her academic advisor to “have more soul” going into the internship recruitment process, she knew exactly what had to be done.

3 (Creative!) Things to Turn Into When You See Your Tinder Match on Locust

To Tinder users who are on the app just for some thumb action, here are three things you can turn into when you (inevitably) run into that rando you super-liked for no reason at all! 

Professor Reverses No-Laptop Policy as Students Faces Have Become Increasingly Sad-Looking and Ugly

In a break from his Penn colleagues’ recent classroom policies, Professor Darren Wright has decided to reverse his no-laptop policy, as having to look at students’ sad and ugly faces began to take a toll on his mental and physical health.

BREAKING: Chamber of Secrets Found in Huntsman Basement

Late Tuesday night, it was discovered that the basement of Huntsman Hall, initially thought of as the ideal location to weep and snort Adderall simultaneously, is actually home to the Chamber of Secrets!

It All Makes Sense: Gregory 'House' Actually A Registered Frat

Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to.

Most Lit Party This Friday?! Squirrel Orgy in Locust Garbage Can

Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can.

PPE? BBB? Take a Look At Penn's Newest, Most Intense Major: THC

Trade and Horticultural Cultivation, a Wharton-specific major, studies burgeoning financial markets in plant-related management, utility and technologies.