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Anna Fighera


Articles

Incoming Freshman Wants to Major in Econ Because It's 'Interesting'

“Econ is definitely on my mind right now. I don’t know, the whole study — the field itself — is so interesting to me, you know?” 


Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  


Op-Ed: Yeah, I Met a Guy This Summer. His Name Is McKinsey.

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  


Scene King: Student Owns a Sharpie

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.


OP-ED: Frontera Should Be Replaced by Another Pret

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.


Click-Bait: I Just Described a Penn Student I Saw on Locust! Click to See If It's YOU!

Spruce Street is her refuge, the path for those on this campus who crave a shred of anonymity. Protecting her from the sight of others, her Penn cap says it all: “yes, I’m a low-key bitch. And, you’re also right — I do go to Penn.”


OP-ED: I’m Majoring in CIS Because I’m Genuinely Interested...in a Job?

It didn't have anything to do with the fact that I had a hard time finding an internship the summer before.


A Rap: Everyone Go Back to Your Rooms, I Hate Seeing You Outside

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold — of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 


Hashtag Dope! Even This Student's Vomit Is on Theme for St. Patty's Day!

Students dartied in their most festive gear, but no one came out stuntin’ harder than Wharton junior Derek Harthman.


OP-ED: You Couldn't Even Pay Me Gutmann's Salary to Finish My Writing Sem Homework

Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.


Sanitary! Student Announces He's Pre-Med Before Disinfecting Your Cut with Cheap Vodka

He subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds. 


Justice for All: Frats on Campus Collectively Denounce Wharton China Business Society Amid Hazing Ban

In response to the news, Penn’s Interfraternity Council members, representatives from fraternities across campus, released a joint statement denouncing WCBS’s blatant disregard for students’ mental and physical wellbeing.


OP-ED: I Hope the World Ends Before I Graduate so I Don’t Disappoint My Mother by Not Going to Law School

 mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.


OP-ED: I Enter Upper Quad Just to SABS My Way down to Baby Quad

My destination? The womb of this campus: baby quad.


Health Goddess! Shhh! She Doesn't Inhale

"Since I don’t inhale, the more times I take a smoke break or short walk around the block, the more fit I’m getting."


OP-ED: I've Fucked Penn 4 Times, And He's Still Making Me Go on Air-Penn Net Guest

I guess I could just stop by the ITA desk and get it done in a night, but I don’t want to be shady. He should be begging me to get on his wifi. 


Practical! Club Recruitment Chairs Set Students' Self-Esteem Ablaze To Stay Warm This Winter

"We literally turn on the AC during interviews. Setting fire to these kids’ dreams and confidence can really make me break a sweat."


Study: Purity of Brita Water Found to Offset Binge-Drinking and Chain-Smoking

"It’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines."


BREAKING: Fraternity Houses Crack Under Pressure Because Even They Can't Fucking Do This Anymore

According to a Penn's Interfraternity Council (IFC), most Fraternity Chapter Houses — or ‘chouses’ —have been deteriorating at unprecedented rates this rush season. 


BREAKING: Flu Epidemic On The Rise As Freshmen Rushes Can't Stop Kissing Ass

The Office of Student Health Services has announced a flu outbreak on campus, warranting heightened health and wellness precautions by all students.


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