Anna Fighera


OP-ED: I've Fucked Penn 4 Times, And He's Still Making Me Go on Air-Penn Net Guest

I guess I could just stop by the ITA desk and get it done in a night, but I don’t want to be shady. He should be begging me to get on his wifi. 

Practical! Club Recruitment Chairs Set Students' Self-Esteem Ablaze To Stay Warm This Winter

"We literally turn on the AC during interviews. Setting fire to these kids’ dreams and confidence can really make me break a sweat."

Study: Purity of Brita Water Found to Offset Binge-Drinking and Chain-Smoking

"It’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines."

BREAKING: Fraternity Houses Crack Under Pressure Because Even They Can't Fucking Do This Anymore

According to a Penn's Interfraternity Council (IFC), most Fraternity Chapter Houses — or ‘chouses’ —have been deteriorating at unprecedented rates this rush season. 

BREAKING: Flu Epidemic On The Rise As Freshmen Rushes Can't Stop Kissing Ass

The Office of Student Health Services has announced a flu outbreak on campus, warranting heightened health and wellness precautions by all students.

OP-ED: I Don’t Care That I Just Failed My Econ Final — My Husband Will Be Richer Than All Of You

“It’s okay, though, don’t worry about me,” I said to address their grimaces. “My husband is going to be rich. Like really rich. Probably richer than everyone in that lecture hall, actually.” 

E.D. Admitted Students Excited to Share That 'Yes, Penn Was my First Choice, and Not Because my College Counselor Said I Wouldn't Get into Princeton’

Sarah Rosen, a student admitted from Farmingdale High School, shared with UTB: “Yes, I’m incredibly excited to join the Quaker family! There’s not one other community I’d rather be a part of!

Innovative! Unconnected Freshman Checks Snap Map for Tonight's Moves

Priscilla Wang (W ’22), or "the ultimate plug" as she's referred to by her friends, always pulls through with the moves.

BREAKING: Stolen Bookcase From Gregory House Depreciates Worth Of Dorm By 97%

Gregory House suffered an excruciating cut to its net worth this past Friday as a bookcase — the dorm’s most monetarily significant asset — was (impressively) snatched from its first floor “library.”

Impressed Penn Tour Group Literally Blown Away By High-Rise Wind Tunnel

At around 1pm this past Wednesday, a fifteen-person Penn tour group was propelled into midair while being lead through the violent high-rise wind tunnel. 

Anti-Social and Academically-Challenged Freshman Came to Penn to 'Work Hard, Play Hard'

“Yeah, I mean given who I am as a person, Penn was just the right choice for me,” chronic procrastinator and recluse James Rojas (C ’22) shared with his friends.

Junior Wearing Penn Apparel Gets Shit On by Bird — Here's What That Pigeon Has to Say

Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike.

Girl Whose Parents Donated $20 Million Still Fucking Owes Me $30

She wants her (parents’) hard-earned money returned! 

OP-ED: When Is It Time for My Suitemates and I to Start Speaking Freely About Pooping? It's Gotta Happen Eventually, Right?

Freshman Fall often lends itself to intimate suitemate bonding — you'll likely see them cry, laugh, and even vomit within the first two days of NSO.

Innovative! Huntsman GSRs Turn Into 'Hotel Party,' But Don't Worry, My Wharton Friend Can Get You In

All nine Group Study Rooms were fit with a unique theme: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery — it was quite the hit!

OP-ED: I'm Looking For A Sugar Daddy Who Will Pay Me in Dining Dollar$

Listen, I’ve spent all but $9.24 of my Dining Dollar$ for the semester at Pret A Manger — sue me!

Freshman MERTed Out of Exam: 'That Had Me Fucked Up'

"After I read that problem about the Pigouvian tax, I knew I was done for."

Engineering Junior in the Midst of Applying to Internships Attends Seance, Hoping to Recall Soul from the Dead

After Jenny Teller (E ’20) was told by her academic advisor to “have more soul” going into the internship recruitment process, she knew exactly what had to be done.

3 (Creative!) Things to Turn Into When You See Your Tinder Match on Locust

To Tinder users who are on the app just for some thumb action, here are three things you can turn into when you (inevitably) run into that rando you super-liked for no reason at all! 

Professor Reverses No-Laptop Policy as Students Faces Have Become Increasingly Sad-Looking and Ugly

In a break from his Penn colleagues’ recent classroom policies, Professor Darren Wright has decided to reverse his no-laptop policy, as having to look at students’ sad and ugly faces began to take a toll on his mental and physical health.