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James Morrison


Articles

Back When They Took Anyone: Penn Admissions Through the Years

Throughout its 281 years of existence, the University admission committee has done the very most to ensure that every class of Penn students is as talented, intelligent, and white as possible. 


It Just Looks Sooo Yummy! Freshman Makes It Big Food-Blogging 1920 Commons

The establishment is rapidly gaining prominence nationally and internationally, and is expecting to be awarded the third, coveted Michelin Star later this week.


Greedy Little Piss Babies: Freshmen Want to Make Friends

Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers. 


3-for-1 Deal: Senior Frat Brothers to Give Freshmen Women Chlamydia, COVID-19, and Trauma

The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. 


BREAKING: Mask and Wig Does Not Exist

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’. 


Practical! Penn Expects Big Money From Student Tuition and HUP Medical Bills This Fall

"The thought of how many exorbitantly-priced medical bills we’re going to be able to hit students, professors, facility workers, and West Philly community members with this fall, frankly, makes me start salivating,” confirmed the chairman of Penn's Board of Trustees. 


Introducing Penn Lite for In-Person Fall: All the Tuition With None of the Fun

Describing the semester as ‘Penn Lite’, Gutmann ensured students that the semester will have all of the Penn Face, pre-professionalism, and toxicity of a normal semester at Penn, minus every form of stress-relief and joy that made being a Penn student somewhat tolerable. 


With Departure of Furda, Penn Admissions to Lose 100% of Sex Appeal

Furthermore, UTB has deduced the real reason for his sudden departure: with recent budget cuts, the University can no longer afford the salary of its hot, sexy, well-proportioned admissions cover boy. 


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?

You’re horny. Cousin Addie’s horny. Are you two going to help each other out? 













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