Lea Eisenstein


OP-ED: I Support Your Right to Have a Mental Breakdown in This Library, but Can You Do It a Little Quieter?

If you're going to violently curse your professor's dead relatives and weep into your hands, you're gonna have to take it down juuuuust a few decibels.

Deluded Sophomore Wears Cute Underwear to Formal as if Date Will Actually Fucking Notice

College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight.

OP-ED: If Penn Isn't Going to Stock Tampons in the Public Bathroom Dispensers, They Should at Least Fill Them With Candy

Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.

Making a Difference: Selfless Human Rights Law Students Collaborate to Save Vulnerable Starbucks Franchise

When the Starbucks on 34th and Chestnut streets announced that it would close in early December, nearby Penn Law students were shaken to their core.

Advanced Registration Fail: Freshman Still Trying to Find Course Codes for Lunch and Recess

For Engineering freshman Jasper Tisdale, the two weeks allotted for this task still won't be enough. 

Student Sitting Around and Texting at Pottruck Actually Doing Vigorous Kegel Workout

Jamie Reston (C '19) entered the gym with the intent to warm up on the elliptical and then jump into a core-blasting pelvic floor exercise.

Penn Research Study Shows if One More Person Talks to Me Today I Will Fucking Lose It

New research conducted by Penn psychologists has concluded that if one more person talks to me today, I will absolutely fucking lose my shit.

Mortifying: This Student Accidentally Called Her Professor 'My Wife' in Borat Voice

Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.

OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite

Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite. No homo, though.

Penn Law Professors Confer: Wanting to Fuck Gritty the Mascot Does Not Make You a Furry

"People who are sexually aroused by Gritty need not cross their legs in shame,' the law professors" statement reads. "By definition, a 'furry fetish' requires that object of desire is both non-human and abnormal in nature. In the case of Gritty, the evidence has shown that his sex appeal is anything but abnormal."

'I Chose My Frat Because It's the Least Fratty One,' Insists Frat Boy

"Other frats are definitely bad. But this frat? It's just different," Cavanaugh said, adjusting the collar on his pastel Hawaiian shirt.

After Three Years, Senior Still Hopelessly Confused About How to Spell Gutmann

Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.

OP-ED: I Am Part of the Resistance Inside Gutmann's Campaign for Wellness

I work for the president but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart parts of her wellness agenda.

OP-ED: Please for the Love of God, Buy My Godzilla-Cover Calc Textbook

Greetings, fellow members of Free & For Sale. I presume many of you are crossing the ol' Formal Reasoning and Analysis requirement off your respective Academic Planning Worksheets this fall. Perhaps the specter of MATH 103 or MATH 104 looms heavy on the horizon. If this indeed be the case, then have I got an offer for you!

How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar.

After Successful Visit From Exterminator, Student Buys Pet Mouse to Fill the Void

When Caroline Jimenez (W '19)  saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.

5 AMAZING Spaghet Recipes You Can Make in the Side Pocket of Your Backpack on the Way to Class

You've got six hours of classes back-to-back ahead of you, and zero time to grab a real lunch.