Lea Eisenstein


President Gutmann Reveals That Ben Franklin and the Quaker Mascot Had an 'Intense' Sexual Relationship

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.

OP-ED: Why Is It Called Morning Wood and Not Breakfast Sausage?

It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste.

Student Disturbed to Learn That Attractive, Well-Spoken Classmate Also Really Nice

She completely blindsided me and said that I made a really insightful point in class the other day.

Oh No: Timothee Chalamet Spotted Loitering in the Peach Aisle of FroGro Again

Witnesses say they saw him skulking near the stone fruits – which are currently not even in season – wearing dark sunglasses and a hoodie as he impishly licked his lips.

OP-ED: Penn Should Teach More Practical Skills, Like How to Get a Dental Student to Marry Me

Having the intellectual tools to find my future spouse, who is most certainly a practitioner of the dental arts, will be an indispensable life skill.

OP-ED: Here's Why 'Royals' by Lorde Is Already the Best Song of 2019

Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Billboard take heed: quit searching now, because the best song of 2019 is already here, and baby it rules (it rules, it rules, it rules).

OP-ED: I See You Viewed My Instagram Story, and, Yes, I'll Marry You

It was so forward of you, tapping on my story like that and watching it.

Seems Legit: Ja Rule Funding New College House West Construction

Ja Rule assured architects and builders earlier this week via a screenshot of the Notes app in an email that "this building is NOT A SCAM as everyone is reporting."

OP-ED: We Shouldn't Call Dining Hall Food 'Food'

People have different conceptions of food and how it is prepared, served, and eaten. So when you call the pale, bland concoctions behind the sneeze guard at Commons "food," it can be insulting to those of us who grew up eating things like bread, meat, fruits, and vegetables that are actually seasoned and have flavors. 

Downward Spiral: Student Loses Ability to Make Decisions After Getting Hooked on Gmail's Suggested Replies

But now, two weeks after that initial click, Tepler has found herself unable to reply to emails in her own words. Even worse, she fears she has lost the ability to make decisions entirely.

OP-ED: I Support Your Right to Have a Mental Breakdown in This Library, but Can You Do It a Little Quieter?

If you're going to violently curse your professor's dead relatives and weep into your hands, you're gonna have to take it down juuuuust a few decibels.

Deluded Sophomore Wears Cute Underwear to Formal as if Date Will Actually Fucking Notice

College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight.

OP-ED: If Penn Isn't Going to Stock Tampons in the Public Bathroom Dispensers, They Should at Least Fill Them With Candy

Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.

Making a Difference: Selfless Human Rights Law Students Collaborate to Save Vulnerable Starbucks Franchise

When the Starbucks on 34th and Chestnut streets announced that it would close in early December, nearby Penn Law students were shaken to their core.

Advanced Registration Fail: Freshman Still Trying to Find Course Codes for Lunch and Recess

For Engineering freshman Jasper Tisdale, the two weeks allotted for this task still won't be enough. 

Student Sitting Around and Texting at Pottruck Actually Doing Vigorous Kegel Workout

Jamie Reston (C '19) entered the gym with the intent to warm up on the elliptical and then jump into a core-blasting pelvic floor exercise.

Penn Research Study Shows if One More Person Talks to Me Today I Will Fucking Lose It

New research conducted by Penn psychologists has concluded that if one more person talks to me today, I will absolutely fucking lose my shit.

Mortifying: This Student Accidentally Called Her Professor 'My Wife' in Borat Voice

Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.

OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite

Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite. No homo, though.