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Shoshi Wintman


Articles

Democratic Presidential Candidate Who Is Not Elizabeth Warren to Visit Campus as If I Care

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 


Ok Boomer! SHS Doctor Thinks It’s Syphilis

Classic Boomer to assume you have nothing going on in your life and can just, “take time to address your genital sores.”


OK BOOMER! MOM JUST CALLING TO SAY SHE LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU MORE OFTEN AS IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT ALREADY

Just because you raised her into the confident woman she is today by providing her with resources and by being a powerful example of a woman following her dreams in a male-dominated industry does NOT mean she owes you anything. Emotional autonomy is the way the world works now.


OP-ED: Why I’m so Proud of Eric Tse and All of His Money

Imagine: One day Eric is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice but is not a billionaire. The next moment, he is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice and is a billionaire. It almost makes me tear up when I think about it.


Rebecca Reporting She’s Actually Pretty Gone Right Now

That night, there were no rules — within reason. She was going to get wild — but a firm line was going to be drawn well before cocaine. She would take no bullshit — unless the bouncer at smokes said she was not, in fact, 23, in which case she would respectfully take her face glitter and ID and walk away.


Arts Group Performance Looks Very Fun for Them

Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.


Penn to Divest from Fossil Fuels

FFP is part of a larger international divestment movement, led by 350.org. Since its inception seven years ago, the campaign has been so effective in moving capital away from the fossil fuel industry that it was cited by Peabody Energy as one of the primary reasons they were forced to declare bankruptcy in 2016.


Deeply Misguided Professor Thinks Students Will Finish Book Each Week

McElhanney adopted the misguided idea that his students had the time or desire to read a book a week after gaining tenure and forgetting the feeling of stress.


Deborah Feeling Real Fucking Cocky After Calling her Congressman

Deborah is basically the only person who has ever called her Congressman.


This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning

For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.


BREAKING: FRESHMAN SMALL etc. etc.

Like, I literally can barely see them. Their tiny tiny legs move so quickly but make such little progress.


Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 


5 Ways to Rock the Confidence of Scoring That Internship with Your Dad's Friend

With your new internship you got from your dad’s fraternity brother, you’re now the most qualified person in your friend group in all aspects of life. 


Amazing! Birthright Really Convinced Sophie Everything in Israel Is “B'seder”

Her trip came in the wake of an incredibly contentious election that put the future of a two-state solution on the line. Amazingly, Birthright managed to convince Sophie that Israel was less of a country with real world policy implications and more of a movie set for her very own eat, pray, love. 


Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'

This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.


Starbucks Under Commons to Stop Bullying Customers

Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.


Sophomore Starts Gang Violence Rumor to Validate Uber Ride From Radian to Mixer

“I couldn’t walk there, I couldn’t have people judge me for Ubering, I couldn’t disrespect the boys of Beta Beta by not prioritizing their party.”


Sad! This Junior Got Tapped for a Senior Society but Not One of the Cool Ones

"So cool I got tapped. Anyone know when Friar's emails go out though?"


Whole Girl Gang Ready to Develop Deep Hatred of Each Other in Cabo This Spring Break

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.


OP-ED: I Could Also Win an Oscar If I Tried, I’m Just Kind of Busy Rn

"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"


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