Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Shoshi Wintman


Articles

Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 


5 Ways to Rock the Confidence of Scoring That Internship with Your Dad's Friend

With your new internship you got from your dad’s fraternity brother, you’re now the most qualified person in your friend group in all aspects of life. 


Amazing! Birthright Really Convinced Sophie Everything in Israel Is “B'seder”

Her trip came in the wake of an incredibly contentious election that put the future of a two-state solution on the line. Amazingly, Birthright managed to convince Sophie that Israel was less of a country with real world policy implications and more of a movie set for her very own eat, pray, love. 


Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'

This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.


Starbucks Under Commons to Stop Bullying Customers

Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.


Sophomore Starts Gang Violence Rumor to Validate Uber Ride From Radian to Mixer

“I couldn’t walk there, I couldn’t have people judge me for Ubering, I couldn’t disrespect the boys of Beta Beta by not prioritizing their party.”


Sad! This Junior Got Tapped for a Senior Society but Not One of the Cool Ones

"So cool I got tapped. Anyone know when Friar's emails go out though?"


Whole Girl Gang Ready to Develop Deep Hatred of Each Other in Cabo This Spring Break

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.


OP-ED: I Could Also Win an Oscar If I Tried, I’m Just Kind of Busy Rn

"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"


“I Don’t Talk About My Pulitzer a Lot,” Says Professor 5 Minutes into First Class

Five minutes into the first class, he could already tell what was on students' minds — that they were in a class with a professor who won a Pulitzer back in ‘82.


Feminism Sent Back 50 Years After Announcement of Friday’s Mixer Theme

Many found the theme, announced Wednesday night, of “Moms that bake, Daddy’s that bring home the bacon” to be both a loss for the female gender and also incredibly pre-professional.


BREAKING: Boston Born Eagles Bandwagoner Thinks He Can Re-join Pats Nation

Despite disrespecting his home state, community, and immediate family last year by hopping on the Eagles bandwagon, College junior Johnny Sullivan thinks that he can publicize his #PatsNation pride this cycle without anyone calling him out on his bullshit.


OP-ED: I Deactivated My Facebook Last Week, and 4 Other Things That Feed My Superiority Complex

Do I think I’m better than anyone in particular? No, my god, I’m not conceitfed. Do I think I’m just a bit better than the generalized “everybody”? A little. 


Junior’s Break Spent Sliding Down Rabbit Hole of “My 600 Pound Life” Testimonials

Before I knew it, it was 3am on the last day of break, and I was waiting with bated breath to see if Jerry would get approved for skin removal surgery. 


I Love It by Kanye West Ranked #1 Song at This Party We Should All Discuss the Gendered Implications of Right Now on This Dance Floor

“I just want to pause the music for just like two seconds and break it all down. Like, ‘hey friends, what’s happening here.’”


Woman in Bodysuit Taking Dump Fully Naked in Handicap Stall

After deciding to wear her new lavender bodysuit she purchased from Urban Outfitters on Black Friday, Rebecca Cartwright (W ‘20) was left to make her usual afternoon coffee-induced defecation fully in the nude.


Meet the Current Penn Undergrads Who Are Engaged Ranked by How Wild It Is to Me That They Did That

Coming in hot at number 4 are Stacey and Jeff. It was not so wild to me that Stacey and Jeff did that.


Study: 85% of All Club Board Meetings Spent Continuously Restructuring Club

The study accounted for the entire spectrum of clubs at Penn: from consulting groups, to service groups, to very funny satire publications, to less funny satire publications.


Philadelphia Overlooked as Gutmann Picks New York and DC as Sites for New Penn HQ

Penn announced on Tuesday that—despite its student body and the large amounts of land it has purchased and gentrified in West Philly—it will be building new offices in New York City and Washington, D.C.


'What Really Happened,' by Jared From Your PoliSci Recitation

I, Jared from your PoliSci recitation, am here to tell you what really happened—and no, I won’t be giving you an exit from this conversation.


PennConnects