TikTok Ban Does More For National Security Than CIA in Past 70 Years
“It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.”
Penn Provides Free COVID Testing (Included with all Purchases $80,000 or More)
Coming to a school near YOU for THIS FALL ONLY, you can get your VERY OWN COVID-19 testing kit for FREE! Every Penn student will be provided with no less than TWO free COVID-19 testing kits prior to the start of the fall semester!
Penn Dining Publishes 23 Step Process Required to Cancel Meal Plan
Each step is revealed one at a time, forcing students to complete them in order from 1 to 23. Only after all 23 steps have been completed will a student's meal plan be canceled.
Travelocity Fires Gnome Leaving Him No Way to Pay for His Drug Addiction.
The ongoing pandemic has affected people all over the world, but no one seems to have been hit quite as hard as the Travelocity Gnome. Due to intense travel restrictions, Travelocity has been forced to make cutbacks, including laying off their spokesperson, the famous globetrotting garden gnome.
New COVID Guidelines Asking All Students to Return to Campus and Sit Very, Very Still
The administration is doubling down on asking students to return to campus with, “open hearts, a desire for fun, and a desire, but no commitment, to staying absolutely motionless for a considerable amount of time in accordance with our compact.”
OP-ED: Stop Reading the Hitler Statue Article
In my day, I’ve seen a thing or two. I know that when cottage cheese turns green you’re supposed to throw it out. In much the same way, I know that when an article is number one for too long, someone is manipulating page views on the UTB website.
Students Upset That There Will Be No Virtual Halal Truck
Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online.
California Earthquake is Start of Doomsday
"Well, strictly speaking, er — scientifically I mean, this is in fact the beginning of the apocalypse. We should have been paying more attention in early March when the plague rained down on us. The good news is at this point, so much has happened this year, it's less of an apocalypse and more of a mercy killing."
BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Not Returning to Campus for Fall Semester
Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida.