All NSO Events Preemptively Moved to HUP Emergency Room

All NSO Events Preemptively Moved to HUP Emergency Room

Citing low attendance in years past to mandatory New Student Orientation events, the University announced Monday that all events this year will be held at its hospital’s emergency room. The move is part of an effort to make attending NSO events more convenient for freshmen.

Internships Expose Students to Full-Time Employment—‘This Sucks,’ Say Students

"How was I supposed to know I can’t just skip? Apparently, they take attendance every day. Total buzzkill."

OP-ED: Penn Should Totally Offer Summer Classes!

OP-ED: Penn Should Totally Offer Summer Classes!

Once I had this crazy idea, I couldn’t believe that no one had thought of it before.

Rising Junior Ecstatic to Return to Wearing Athleisure Every Day

Rising Junior Ecstatic to Return to Wearing Athleisure Every Day

According to a school-wide survey, Alex Travers (W ’20) is one of the six students excited to return to school this month.

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Uh Oh! New Pool Party Dress Code Excludes Jerseys, Crop Tops, and Privilege

The dress code states that, “under no circumstance are sports jerseys allowed in the vicinity. Please find hip, alternative ways to assert your stomach-churning masculinity. We have faith in you.


NSO Seminar to Teach Mechanisms for Coping With Father’s Indictment While at Penn

The “Daddy Issues: Legal Trouble in the Penn Bubble” seminar will be mandatory for all students whose family names are attached to campus buildings.


Foodie Alert! Incoming Freshman Has Already Secured 5 Zahav Reservations

The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, rather than a worm, Elizabeth Rogers (C '22) will be getting some Golden Beets and a Syrian Lamb Kabob.


Woah! Andrew Is an Incoming Finance Concentrator at The Wharton School

“I thought when I told the world 2 years in advance that I would be an Investment Banking Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs, no one could be bolder. But this, this is bold.”


Heartbreaking: "Serial Entrepreneur" Suffering Withdrawal After Not Starting a Fake Company in the Past Two Weeks

When he opened his first lemonade stand at the age of 4, Goldberg knew that he was bound to become a true business mogul. Within years, he had claimed to be the "CEO, Co-Founder, and President" of over a dozen companies.


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