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Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine

Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine

Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.  

OP-ED: Penn Students, Eat More Poke Bowls

Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.  

BREAKING: I Love to Get 2 On

BREAKING: I Love to Get 2 On

Make no mistake: I love to get on to begin with. The mere act of getting 1 on is already heaven to me. So you can imagine the elation of getting 2 on. 

Amy Gutmann Caught Red Handed Stealing Spit From COVID Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

Amy Gutmann Caught Red Handed Stealing Spit From COVID Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies.

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Crap: Other Group Members Chose Same Strategy of Pretending to Be Out of Town for Next Two Weeks

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.


Breaking: It's Officially Too Late to Turn Your Grades Around

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 


Amy Gutmann Caught Stealing Spit From COVID-19 Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies. 


“Assume Spherical Cow” and Other Phrases GUARANTEED to Turn Engineers On

 It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest. 


Student Stumbles Upon New Species of Locust Walk Tree

Is this a Magnolia tree? 


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