Iran Announces New AI-yatollah, Nation’s First Chatbot Supreme Leader
The leadership change comes after weeks of deadly United States strikes on Iranian leadership.
Date Mistakes My Asian Flush for Me Actually Liking Him
I expected to sit down for a sober cup of coffee at 3 p.m. EST, but the combination of daylight savings and my being accustomed to Iran Standard Time (I’m an empath) led me to lose track and start slamming back Cutwaters at noon.
I Got Roofied at 1920 Commons: My Story
Upon reflection, I’m not actually that mad about the whole roofie situation — I’ve always wanted a chance to see Eastern Europe. However I have developed a nasty biting habit since then. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind, though! He freaky like that.
Rosemary Soule
Tuesday, March 31, 2026Tue, Mar 31, 2026
Harsh & Alex Review: Of Mice and Men
Listen as Harsh and Alex struggle to understand the deeper meanings of this novella about a group of prepubescent British boys who are stranded on an uninhabited island.
Penn Student Rewarded With Failing Midterm Grade After Terrible Day
Today was the worst day that I’ve ever had in my entire career at Penn.
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Other News
Top Edibles To Put In Your Child’s Easter Basket This Year
You already gave your kid weed and shrooms, might as well fully commit and make your child the coolest kid on the block.
Apple Screen Time to Include Time Spent Repressing Homosexual Thoughts
“You’re up 34% from last week, for an average of six hours and 14 minutes.”
Breaking My Silence: All You Bitches Suck
I’m finally saying it: all you bitches suck. Respectfully. After years of observation. In a way that changes nothing.
APhi to Monitor Situation in Iran
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
Featured Articles
Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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