DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties
After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.
Don’t Feel Bad! Robert Mueller Needs an Extension on His Report Too
Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?
Uh-Oh: Kyle Just Started a Sentence with "I'm Not Racist, But..."
Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.
OP-ED: I Want a Job Where I Can Give Back, Because I'm Not Qualified for All the Competitive Jobs
I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.
Innovative! This Girl Uses Google Calendar to Manage Her Dick Appointments
By optimizing my dick appointments, I not only have an incredible amount of sex but also have enough time to call dad at seven.
Student with 6 Hour Layover Ready to Kill His Poly Sci Midterm After CNN Binge
UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead.
Penn Records Achieves Largest Stamp Collection, Most Balls Juggled
The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.
"I Shit Scum like You," Says Penn Cop to Visiting High Schooler
During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer.
POP-ED: Hey Champ, How’s College? Your Mom and I Are so Proud of You. Call Us Sometime
I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.