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OP-ED: Replace the Terms 'Synchronous' and 'Asynchronous' With 'Fuck' and 'Fuck Me in the Ass', Respectively

OP-ED: Replace the Terms 'Synchronous' and 'Asynchronous' With 'Fuck' and 'Fuck Me in the Ass', Respectively

It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and call it as we see it. “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” must be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me In The Ass.”

CAPS to Offer Emergency Counseling for Students Who Didn't Know They Were Unmuted

“Yeah, I’m here because I dissed my professor’s new haircut pretty hard,” Phyllis Herrell (C ‘23) confessed to his counselor. “I mean, it really looked like a wild racoon made its way onto his scalp and died there, but he wasn’t supposed to hear all that.”

Anti-Maskers: West Coast Wildfires Are Just Pro-Mask Propaganda

Anti-Maskers: West Coast Wildfires Are Just Pro-Mask Propaganda

“Of course it’s California and Oregon. The damn libertards are setting the state on fire and making smoke just so people wear masks,” said Bigdumm. “Wake up you sheeple, can’t you see it's just the government trying to control you.” 

Phila. Capitalist Group Apparently Responsible for Historic Unrest, Property Destruction

Phila. Capitalist Group Apparently Responsible for Historic Unrest, Property Destruction

Capitalizing off tensions arising in part due to the Cold War, this group successfully destroyed the property of thousands of people in West Philadelphia during the 1960s.

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Here Is How Beto Can Still Win

Beto beats Biden by over 12 points with voters who drink craft beer!


Vape God Tommy Loves Breakout Rooms

“The transition to online classes has been really great.” Tommy said, “I never need to come up with an excuse not to pass the pen. All to myself, baby.” 


Professor Who Says This Is Gonna Be A "Very Different Semester" To Assign The Exact Same Amount of Work

"Look, this semester is challenging us all in really unique ways, and it's certainly not going to be normal by any standards. Adjustments will have to be made," he says, handing out his unchanged syllabus. 


Looking Back on 2020: Cats Was an Omen

I began wondering, why are people surprised by the events of 2020? Like Cats was basically the introduction. And no one said anything?


Freshman Misunderstands Penn’s “Online Shopping Period”, Buys World’s Largest Gummy Bear from Vat19.com

“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.


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