Pledge Bonds with Orangutan Plush After Being Dropped by APES
Mark "Punch" Goldberg was dropped by APES on Monday after saying a slur in public and not behind closed doors like he is supposed to.
OP-ED: Penn Is Not On Indian Land
I can't be the only one confused right? India is on a completely different continent. These so-called "land acknowledgements" aren't even acknowledging the right thing.
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
Van Pelt to Undergo Renovation to Make All Windows 50% Narrower
Further changes involve the introduction of a loud, fluorescent light-induced buzzing noise in the Goldstein Undergraduate Study Center, a replacement of all group study rooms with chastity study carrels, and the addition of cushioned toilet seats.
Panhel Excited to Announce $37 Raised in FY 25
With so many causes competing for attention, the Panhellenic Council has chosen to direct all proceeds toward animal cruelty — specifically, ensuring that dogs across Philadelphia have access to proper nail grooming through their partner organization, Nails N Paws.
Student Putting Off Work for Snow Day Racks Up 16 Screentime Hours on Weather App
“This level of commitment is what we usually only see in day traders and people refreshing their ex’s Instagram,” said one behavioral psychologist.
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Other News
Girl with Mommy Kink Very Excited for Big-Little Week
It's the best week of the year for some.
Gay Student Endures Premature Twink Death After Drinking Starbucks Protein Matcha
“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and added protein,” - Ben Franklin, more or less.
Guy Who's Taking a Break From Social Media Only Doing It So He Can Tell You About It
He needs you to know that he’s better than you for taking a break and deleting the apps for a while (2 hours) and that he’s trying to improve himself via attention span resetting, dopamine cleansing, and internal work.
Opinion: I Think We Can Safely Say Global Warming is a Hoax
The climate is stable and they are not talking about it.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
Featured Articles
Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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