Letter from the Editor: I'm Sorry I Can't Be Him
It’s come to my attention that I’ll never be an antique bison. Try as I might, I am only a twenty-fifth of it’s size, far less stately than I once had hoped.
OP-ED: Shut the Fuck Up
Listen, buddy, whatever you’re blabbering on about right now, I don’t want to hear about it. You could literally be telling me that the final for my Art History class has been canceled and I couldn't care less! You know why? Cuz you, and that mouth of yours, have been getting on my nerves lately.
Oh No: Grandma Wants to Know Why Your Phone Alarm Goes Off at 9 P.M. Every Night
There’s a couple of potential answers to her inquiries. You could definitely lie and say you usually take a power nap at 8:35 PM while studying for finals, and you just forgot to turn the alarm off.
Oh Fuck: Kitchen Steam Headed Straight for Fucking Smoke Detector Fuckfuckfuckfuck
Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam
While the World Is Literally Burning, Thank You NYT for the Five New Paella Recipes
Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes.
There’s No Need To Lock Up The Lab’s Drugs, Says Guy Who’s Definitely Not Stealing The Lab’s Drugs
Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical.
CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ
"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."
Three Things You Can Do Instead of Greek Life
You don’t need parties to have fun. For example, one great way to pass the time is to watch paint dry.
Hill Donates Abandoned Lingerie to Children’s Charity
“I love to see that our college is giving back to the community,” said Klath, “I really hope that lucky six-year-old who receives the lingerie will enjoy our college’s gift.”