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BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

Humble God! Rich Student Finds Only Corner of House Not Lined With Greco-Roman Sculptures for Video Call

“I almost ran straight into one of my personal butlers on the way to the ‘Zoom Corner’ as I’ve called it,” Larue recounted, fixing up his $500 haircut with a golden comb. “I was all like — good heavens!”

Russian COVID Vaccine Turns Out to Be 195 Proof Vodka

Russian COVID Vaccine Turns Out to Be 195 Proof Vodka

The hopes of those Americans who still believe in science have just been dashed by this unprecedented discovery: the shot is simply filled with 195 proof vodka, making it the equivalent of injecting two and a half shots of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka directly into your bloodstream.

QUIZ: Are YOU the Silent Majority?

QUIZ: Are YOU the Silent Majority?

Election season is in full swing and we keep hearing that term "silent majority," but who is the silent majority really? Take this quiz to see if you are a part of this special group!

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BREAKING: Trump and Biden Put Aside Differences, Agree Bulbasaur Best Starter Pokémon

“Now, there’s a lot the president and I disagree about, but here’s the deal: Bulbasaur is the American choice,” Biden said, looking directly into the camera.

Voter Worried He Won’t Receive Mail-in Bride on Time

"I just want to feel her silicone presence beside me. I planned to consummate her arrival on election night, but now I'm not sure if we'll get our special evening!" 

Your Guide to the 2020 Erection: Vote Bigger and Better

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in the honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing. 

OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck.