DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties

DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.

Don’t Feel Bad! Robert Mueller Needs an Extension on His Report Too

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?

Wawa to Start Charging for Water, Entire Freshman Class Dies of Thirst

Wawa to Start Charging for Water, Entire Freshman Class Dies of Thirst

“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”

OP-ED: I Swear It Was a Deviated Septum. Dr. Blum Doesn’t Even Do Cosmetic Procedures.

OP-ED: I Swear It Was a Deviated Septum. Dr. Blum Doesn’t Even Do Cosmetic Procedures.

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.

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How Does She Do It? Meet the Girl Who Fit a Laptop and Three Beverages on a Penn Desk

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 


Innovative! This Girl Uses Google Calendar to Manage Her Dick Appointments

By optimizing my dick appointments, I not only have an incredible amount of sex but also have enough time to call dad at seven.


Student with 6 Hour Layover Ready to Kill His Poly Sci Midterm After CNN Binge

UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead. 


Uh-Oh: Kyle Just Started a Sentence with "I'm Not Racist, But..."

Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.


OP-ED: I Want a Job Where I Can Give Back, Because I'm Not Qualified for All the Competitive Jobs

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.


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