Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus
Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town!
Kenn Kweder Announced Spring Fling Headliner
The neighborhood legend is making his big-stage debut April 17th at Penn Park.
Op-Ed: There’s Not Enough Room in This Recitation for Two Busty Blonde Bimbos
My bag? It’s huge. Prada. My hair? It’s fried. Bleached. My chest? Two words: honk honk.
Man With High Body Count Hoping Girlfriend is a Virgin
After viscerally describing his last sexual experience with a girl whose name he can’t remember, Rothstein simply sighed and smiled. “You know, there’s just something especially sacred about being with someone who has only been with you.”
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Resume Tips: How to Make it Seem Like Your Summer of Doomscrolling and Bedrotting was Productive
Do your "skills" and "experiences" sections need work? Here are some great ways to polish them up while using vaguest terms possible to avoid further questioning.
OP-ED: In Times Like These, Van Pelt Needs A New Masturbator
If you, dear reader, are the potential third Masturbator; I urge you, please, cum forth.
Magic Bush Found at Magic Gardens
Have you ever seen a bush? A full fledged, magical, flourishing bush. Well, I have. And I saw it at Magic Gardens.
Flo Rida Facing Backlash for Plans to Sing ‘My House’ On Indigenous Land
Protests are expected at the Spring Fling celebration where Rida intends to make his statement. Needless to say, it will be ‘Going Down for Real’ this Saturday.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
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Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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