Perry World House to Get Even Bigger TV
Students on campus have long felt that the television in Perry World House was too small. Ruby Cheung, a sophomore in the college, told Under the Button reporters that the television was so small it made her embarrassed to be a Quaker.
From McKinsey to K-Pop: Wharton Alum Has Locked BTS in a Cage
When 2017 Wharton MBA graduate Steve Donovan left McKinsey, he was worried that his days of facilitating the immoral detainment of innocent people were over. He doesn’t have to worry anymore! As of this morning, Donovan has locked world-renowned K-pop supergroup BTS in a small steel cage.
Pew Research Center Finds That Majority of Americans Say “Pew Pew” When Firing Imaginary Gun
The Pew Research Center has completed a landmark study which found that over half of Americans say “pew pew” when firing an imaginary gun, with “pew pew pew” and “pew” coming in second and third respectively.
Don’t Want To Be A Soldier? No Worries! Here’s a Guide to Self-Injury
While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.
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Bitch: This Anti-Vaxxer Takes Shots From Brad at AEPi But Not From Dr. Goldberg
Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?
Report: Funny Friend Actually Just Kinda Mean
It’s all but certain Teddy will ascend to the status of one of the greatest comedians alive, among other giants like Louis C. — shit, never mind. There’s one issue, though — he’s also kind of a dick.
Gay Rights! LGBT Center to Introduce Poppers on Tap
The party drug, popular amongst queers and avant-garde heterosexuals, will now be supplied on tap at the LGBT Center. Drop by with your reusable vial and fill up!
My Outstretched, Personable Hand to Begin Accepting Dining Dollars
Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.