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OP-ED: Maybe You’re The Problem

OP-ED: Maybe You’re The Problem

I slept in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, the ATO roof deck, under the button, and the Quad Catacombs.

OP-ED: If Em Dashes Are So Versatile, Then Why Can’t They Mend My Rapidly Deteriorating Relationship?

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”

BREAKING: Interjection Deemed Too Out-Of-Pocket Even for Zaniest Member of Friend Group

BREAKING: Interjection Deemed Too Out-Of-Pocket Even for Zaniest Member of Friend Group

Penn to Send Unused Meal Swipes in Form of Soggy Pizza, Moldy Strawberries to Ukraine

Penn to Send Unused Meal Swipes in Form of Soggy Pizza, Moldy Strawberries to Ukraine

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  

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Success! Week-Long Mask Mandate Totally 100% Effective

The novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay! 



Oh No! Penn Loses Entire Endowment Betting on High-Stakes UNO

Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy.


What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.


I Now Only Go to Acme with the Hopes of an Anvil Falling On My Head

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 


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