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Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade

Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade

That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.

Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal

Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.

Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 

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Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine

Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.  


BREAKING: I Love to Get 2 On

Make no mistake: I love to get on to begin with. The mere act of getting 1 on is already heaven to me. So you can imagine the elation of getting 2 on. 


Amy Gutmann Caught Red Handed Stealing Spit From COVID Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies.


OP-ED: Penn Students, Eat More Poke Bowls

Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.  


Crap: Other Group Members Chose Same Strategy of Pretending to Be Out of Town for Next Two Weeks

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.


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