Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
10 Things You Should Definitely Ask the Potential New Member You're Talking to During Rush
Make sure the cream rises to the top!
To Whoever Stole My Underwear From The Harnwell Laundry Room: Get Ready For a Nasty Yeast Infection
Don't. Mess. With. My. Clothes, Ho.
Alpha Jaywalker Brutally Mogs Beta Waiting for Walk Sign
Who needs to obey the traffic lights? Only a weak person with a fragile mindset, who believes that the Philly driver who is simultaneously on Snapchat and vaping will hit them.
Guy From Some Northeastern City Wants You to Know It's Not That Cold
A Guy from a Northeastern City has some opinions about recent temperatures.
Reviewing the Feng Shui of Penn’s Bathrooms
The following lavatories have been evaluated on the basis of their energy, intention, and design, because this kind of stuff matters.
“Aw Man”: Penn Student Not Sure What to Do About Epstein Files
To further probe this issue, Under the Button has reconvened our Comedy Think Tank.
A New Age: Sammy Becomes Primarily Presbyterian Frat
In a land of increasing competition between Jewish fraternities at Penn, Sammy has lost its position as a Jewish fraternity at Penn and will be forced to take an entirely Presbyterian class this semester.
To Whoever Stole My Underwear From The Harnwell Laundry Room: Get Ready For a Nasty Yeast Infection
Don't. Mess. With. My. Clothes, Ho.
Alpha Jaywalker Brutally Mogs Beta Waiting for Walk Sign
Who needs to obey the traffic lights? Only a weak person with a fragile mindset, who believes that the Philly driver who is simultaneously on Snapchat and vaping will hit them.
Elon Musk (C ’97) Deemed “Too Off-Putting” To Hang Out With Pedophile Group
“Thank God that freak Elon isn’t here. That guy really sucks. Fucking weirdo.”
