Quad Custodian Unearths Stunning 9 Foot Long Cum Fossil in Boys' Shower Drain
It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.
Mr Beast’s $1 Million Challenge “How Many Items Can You Steal From Pret In 30 Seconds”
An anonymous source has leaked that the one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky was the winner.
OP-ED: What You Can Steal From Van Pelt
Have you ever wondered why the security guards at Van Pelt check your backpacks and don’t seem concerned with much else?
OP-ED: Sorry I Took That $90k. It Went to a Better Cause.
As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight.
An Epidemic of Loneliness: The Neglect of Penn’s Little In-Laws
I’ve been thinking about how to make Big-Little Week more about me, and I finally realized my very close personal connection to the various sisterhoods across campus.
BREAKING: I Act Visibly Emotionally Tortured Each Time I Pass a Campus Tour
I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”
7 Ways to Be Anti-coquette
Girl Scouts Cookies? Sorry, I Only Buy From For-Profit Entities
Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are!
Has This Generation Gone Too Soft? Not Me, Thanks to Himsᵀᴹ
Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.