Help! I got botox this summer and now everyone thinks I'm a freshman.
Please stop asking me about Writing Sem! I'm too old for this!
Big Toe Lonely After Human Starts Wearing Tabis
For other halleces, like Hal, this isn’t just an avant-garde fashion trend. It’s isolation.
Yay! All Electric Scooters Just Exploded at the Same Time
KABOOM!!! Is what 48 student athletes heard right before they got blown up and died.
High Rises to Replace Walls With Large Sheets of Copy Paper
Architecture students have run extensive tests on the integrity of these new walls and have found that the structural soundness of the buildings has somehow increased by 18.7%
Wharton Students to Get Full Access to Pornhub Premium.
Pornhub Premium joins Wharton’s growing list of complimentary amenities, including free Claude subscriptions, free printing, and free grades.
I Lost Myself After Eating a Branzino Sandwich at Commons
This sandwich is all I am, and all I will ever be.
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Other News
OFSL Instagram Plant Actually Really Nice Guy
At Pret the next day, I learned all about the middle-aged man behind the dirty blonde Jewish freshman from the New York metropolitan area.
Anyone Wanna Come to Your Date Night With Me?
I’m keeping it brief. If you’re interested, so am I.
Harrison Roaches Now Qualify for Financial Raid
The University of Pennsylvania’s Office of Pest Control (OPC) on Tuesday announced a $20,000 gift from local bus celebrity Top Dog Law to purchase extra-powerful Raid for Harrison College House.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
Featured Articles
Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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