Greedy Little Piss Babies: Freshmen Want to Make Friends
Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers.
Good News! Simultaneous Tube Spitting Not Awkward Whatsoever
Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!
3-for-1 Deal: Senior Frat Brothers to Give Freshmen Women Chlamydia, COVID-19, and Trauma
The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one.
0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel
It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.
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Penn LGBT Center Grapples With Gay Alumnus Donald Trump’s Complicated Legacy
An unparalleled aesthete, catty bitch, and gossip, Trump brought his gay flavor to the decidedly heterosexual logic of American politics.
Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden
Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021.
COVID-19 Is “Soooo Excited To Meet So Many New Freshmen in the Quad!”
"I don’t want to brag or anything, but literally none of them are immune to my charm — or my disease!"
QUIZ: Should I Take Next Semester off or My Top Off?
I'm really having a difficult time deciding.
Trump Gifts His Kids Coal for Christmas to Support the Mining Industry
In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”