Horrifying! Ambitious Student Intentionally Creates, Unleashes Minions in Chem Lab
“Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.”
Sad! Hypebeast Intern Disappointed Supreme Court Justices Own Nothing from Supreme
In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme.
OP-ED: I Joined A Sorority For The Sisterhood. Now, I Have Herpes
There are so many things that make being in a sorority amazing: mixers with fraternities across campus, philanthropy events, my new raging case of herpes, and the next three years which I am blessed to spend as an older role model to my future sisters!
Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years
For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby!
Student Living at Home Schedules House Meeting After Roommates Come Home Drunk from Aunt Linda’s Again
“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha.
Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season
“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”
Rick is Back, Baby! Penn Book Center to Be Replaced by Frontera
"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."
Yikes! Sophie’s Facebook Suggested Friends Are Literally All Demons from Her Past
“I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."
Shocker! Your High School Math Teacher Still Thinks You're an Incompetent Piece of Shit
She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.