New Police Uniforms Include Scythe, Black Hood, and Cloak
“I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shauvin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my balls and it hurt a lot.”
Op-Ed: If Elon Hates Social Distancing So Much, Why Is He Sending People to the ISS?
Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on?
My Study Abroad Was Great, Thanks for Asking!
While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.
Forget the Bikini, Sophie Looking Forward to Getting Mask Tan This Summer!
Sophomore Sophie Pearson would usually be hitting the beach to work on her tan, enabling her to flex on her friends come fall, but this summer she's got a small modification to her usual plan in mind.
‘I'm Going to Exercise Tomorrow’ Says Student Every Day
“I’ve just been too busy with everything,” said Rosewater. “The other day, I had to finish a Netflix series, another day I had to play 40 games of League of Legends, and just yesterday I had to take a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day.”
With Finals Over, Josh Looking Forward to More of the Same
With his usual summer activities on hold, Josh continues to spend much of his time sitting on the floor of his childhood bedroom with his laptop in his lap and a slight sadness on his face.
After Grueling Day of Watching Netflix, Student Is Ready to Finally Unwind
Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days.
Penn Hires Jungle Cruise Guides to Give Campus Zoom Tours
“Prospective students will still get to hear about important traditions like toast throwing and how Greek life isn’t that important to the social scene, but now, it’ll be with puns!”
Dear Penn: When You're Moving My Stuff, I Also Left a Sweatshirt in DRL Can You Get That?
It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.