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Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.

​​Your WiFi is Insecure; Compliment That Hoe

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.

Junior Who Had 8 Months on Campus Excited to Claim Superiority Over Baby Underclassmen

Junior Who Had 8 Months on Campus Excited to Claim Superiority Over Baby Underclassmen

Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.

Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me

Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me

Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.

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Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn

Get ready to see some graphic shit.


Becoming My Mother: A Cautionary Tale

I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother. 


Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia

A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.


UTB Investigates: Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 


Uh-Oh! Flooding in Germany Suddenly Gutmann’s Problem

Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.


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