Gutmann College House to be Converted into Human Zoo
The change comes after years of unsolicited SABSing via the dorm's extensive glass layout.
Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus
Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town!
OP-ED: I’m Old, Here’s My Advice
You want some advice from an old guy like me?
Zuckerberg announces launch of Ray Ban Aviator Meta Glasses in honor of Gloria Steinem: "Women deserve to see too"
Just don't even think about asking for equal pay.
Help! My boyfriend won't stop talking about some girl named Parlay.
Should I be jealous?
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Other News
Why is Everyone Getting Fingered at the Bio Pond Except Me?
Consider this my formal open call for anyone who would like to finger a wonderful young girl (me) at the bio pond sometime soon. In an ideal world I would prefer a handsome and talented brunette but really, I’m flexible. Hit my line. Thanks.
Resume Tips: How to Make it Seem Like Your Summer of Doomscrolling and Bedrotting was Productive
Do your "skills" and "experiences" sections need work? Here are some great ways to polish them up while using vaguest terms possible to avoid further questioning.
Op-Ed: There’s Not Enough Room in This Recitation for Two Busty Blonde Bimbos
My bag? It’s huge. Prada. My hair? It’s fried. Bleached. My chest? Two words: honk honk.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
Featured Articles
Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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