I Got Roofied at 1920 Commons: My Story

Upon reflection, I’m not actually that mad about the whole roofie situation — I’ve always wanted a chance to see Eastern Europe. However I have developed a nasty biting habit since then. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind, though! He freaky like that.

Rosemary Soule Tuesday, March 31, 2026Tue, Mar 31, 2026

Unemployed Senior Really Banking on Job Offer From Military Draft

President Trump, please send me to the front lines. If you don’t, I might have to work in consulting.

NEWS | Zach Whiting Sunday, March 29, 2026Sun, Mar 29, 2026

U.S. Government Announces Summer Internship in Iran

While not a novel idea, only a handful of past presidents have attempted to try this: On Tuesday, the Department of War announced an unlimited number of spots for willing participants in the Middle East “Freedom from Life” operation.

NEWS | Jonathan Schwartz Monday, March 23, 2026Mon, Mar 23, 2026

I Went to Cabo for Spring Break and All I Got Was This Stupid Little Cartel Affiliation

The break was so restful and amazing. At present, I can only wear red and green and there are some parts of Philly, that I should not have gone to before, and I simply cannot go to now!

OPINION | UTB Staff
Mon, Mar 23, 2026

Phone-Addicted Math Major Really Good at Reel Analysis 

Danya Dzebissov, a junior pursuing a mathematics degree within the College of Arts and Sciences, has recently distinguished himself in a field his professors have yet to formally recognize: reel analysis.

NEWS | Aaron Smolyar
Wed, Mar 18, 2026

Panhel Excited to Announce $37 Raised in FY 25

With so many causes competing for attention, the Panhellenic Council has chosen to direct all proceeds toward animal cruelty — specifically, ensuring that dogs across Philadelphia have access to proper nail grooming through their partner organization, Nails N Paws.

NEWS | Jonathan Schwartz
Wed, Mar 18, 2026

Under the Button's Man on the Street Valentine's Honeypot

Under the Button Does the Mannequin Challenge

The Fall

Between Two Clubs, Episode 1: Mask & Wig

Between Two Clubs, Episode 1: Mask and Wig

Other News

APhi to Monitor Situation in Iran

The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran.

NEWS | Ted Kwee-Bintoro
Tue, Mar 31, 2026

Draft Reinstated: All Men [WHARTON EXEMPTED] Ages 18-25 to Report for Service

Undergraduate students enrolled in the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania will be exempt from service.

NEWS | Ivana Asiedu
Sun, Mar 29, 2026

Van Pelt to Undergo Renovation to Make All Windows 50% Narrower

Further changes involve the introduction of a loud, fluorescent light-induced buzzing noise in the Goldstein Undergraduate Study Center, a replacement of all group study rooms with chastity study carrels, and the addition of cushioned toilet seats.

NEWS | Sebastian Davis
Wed, Mar 18, 2026

Girl with Mommy Kink Very Excited for Big-Little Week

It's the best week of the year for some.

NEWS | UTB Staff
Tue, Mar 3, 2026

Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)

Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing

University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”

Ivana Asiedu Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026

Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core

At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."

NEWS | Alexandra Lemer Monday, Feb. 9, 2026Mon, Feb 9, 2026

Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic

“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”

NEWS | Ted Kwee-Bintoro Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2026Tue, Feb 10, 2026

Advertising Partners