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You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?

You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?

You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious? 

Alex Trebek: "What is Eternal Oblivion?"

For Alex, we decided to create a custom Jeopardy game centered around the one question we all have: what happens after we die? 

Vegan Seeks Repentance After Swallowing

Vegan Seeks Repentance After Swallowing

Now all those poor little white heads with their spindly tails lay murdered at the bottom of her stomach!

Grandma Uses COVID to Avoid Thanksgiving With Shitty Grandkids

Grandma Uses COVID to Avoid Thanksgiving With Shitty Grandkids

This Thanksgiving, the 82-year-old grandmother is free of the running, screaming, and laughter of her shitty grandchildren.

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A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays

As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely. 

Ambiguous! Quirky Aunt Bringing "Special Friend" To Thanksgiving Again

While it is a bit odd that they only have a single bed in their 2-bedroom apartment, naturally they have to make room for their many cats and black Labrador retriever named Maggie.  

Sobbing, Demoralized UTB Writer Realizes No Stereotype Broad Enough to Apply to All CAS Students

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”

Mindy's Pod Is The Exact Amount Of People Who Were At The Late Night She Went To!

“And our pod--the hundred of us, or so--we really only see each other,” says Mindy. “And of course our significant others, people from our sororities or fraternities, and these guys I know from Temple. Honestly, we couldn’t be safer.” 

“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster.