Seven Acronyms Every Penn Freshman Needs to Know
Freshmen, get your pens and pencils ready.
Peasants: Dress for Success or Avoid My Well-Bred Gaze
Despite all of us gaining admission to the same university, it’s become apparent that some have strayed from the tenant that got us here in the first place: being well dressed at every occasion. So I implore you, reader: please look presentable, or flee from my sight.
Subtle Flex: Junior Switches Between 13 Different Desktops During Group Study Session
“It's good to be on top,” Volk said, browsing his desktops like a mad titan admiring his collection of all-powerful gemstones. “I am truly the apex predator here at Penn.”
Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card
During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me.
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New Jersey’s Revenge? Penn Freshman Haunted By Ghost of Discarded Princeton Hoodie
“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.”
Shameful: The Cats Trailer Doesn't Do Enough for Furry Representation in Hollywood
Once again, characters whose identities are obviously and critically furry are being portrayed by non-furry actors. Jason Derulo? Non-furry. Taylor Swift? Non-furry. Idris Elba? Debatable.
After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing
Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.
Hustle Mode On: This PURM Student Logged 6.75 Hours Last Week
"Yeah, I'm supposed to log 35 hours a week, but 6.75 felt like it was more than enough."
BREAKING: Republican Congressman Claims "Hot Girl Summer" to Blame for Recent Heat Wave, Not Climate Change
"These women are literally setting the planet on fire with their confidence. Is this really a fire we want to put out?"