Biology Professor Cancels Midterm After Forgetting to Include Motivational Calvin and Hobbes Cartoon
Professor Schumann’s Biology 101 students were only five minutes into their first midterm when disaster struck. Schumann watched as students finished the first page of the test and flipped open the second page. Not a single student chuckled—not even a wry smile. Schumann had forgotten to include his sixth favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip above question 8.
BREAKING: Lindsay to Study Abroad in London
Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha.
BREAKING: Penn Student's 'Birthright Vlog 2018!' Set for Distribution With 20th Century Fox
In a bold decision certain to send shockwaves through both the University and Hollywood, College junior Max Rather inked a deal with 20th Century Fox on Tuesday for distribution of his short film “Birthright Vlog 2018!”
So You’ve Been Sexually Awakened After Meeting Your BFF’s DILFy Dad at Family Weekend. Now What?
Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.
Need Dining Dollars? Here are 5 Cherished Family Heirlooms You Can Exchange
Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia?
Sophomore Now Survives on Diet Consisting Only of Edible Shrubbery
Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.
Shocking Investigation: Huntsman Becomes Dominatrix Sex Dungeon After 2AM
In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.
Junior Begins Lonely Trek to 4th Floor of Van Pelt So He Can Shit in Solitude
Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.
Penn Ranked Fourth Worldwide for Innovation, Producing 20 Million Gallons of It Per Year
After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.