Wax and Trump in Heated Competition to Bring Most Shame to Penn
It’s official — current U.S. President Donald Trump and tenured Penn Law Professor Amy Wax are neck-and-neck in their years long battle for most shameful public figure associated with the University of Pennsylvania.
Junior Who Has Never Cried Had Tear-Eating Bees Behind His Eyes All Along
“Hear me out,” President Gutmann started in a recent trustee meeting. “Free bee implants for every student who enters CAPS."
Penn Reiterates Medium-Tolerance Policy on Racism
"We do not believe that Wax's opinions exceed our threshold for racist beliefs held and expressed publicly by faculty," the Administration stated.
Life Hack: My Apartment Is Supposed to Be Quiet After Midnight, But I Can't Tell Time
Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time.
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U.S. Women's Soccer Team Turns Down Amy Gutmann's Invitation to College Hall
"Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe.
Inspirational: Man Hikes Across Entire Eastern Seaboard to Pick Up &pizza Order
“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.”
Locust Walk Now Locust Run
“Students aren’t motivated enough,” Henry Williams Chief Officer of Campus Activity said. “I see them out here wasting time all day long. Well you know what? Time’s up. No more leisurely strolls. No more catching up with friends. This world is a rat race. In a few years, you’re going to have a mortgage to pay off, so run, don’t walk, to that Bain Info Session."
Rising Freshman: “Omg, How Many AP’s Are you Taking Next Semester?”
"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.”
Penn Researchers Unable to Determine Why the Rhythm Room Exists
Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it.