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Grandparents Brag That Precious Jacob Is Eligible for Advanced Registration at Penn

Grandparents Brag That Precious Jacob Is Eligible for Advanced Registration at Penn

The grandparents of Jacob Fitzman (C ’23) gleamed with pride when their precious grandson informed them that he was currently participating in advanced registration for Spring classes. In only a matter of minutes, the entire Fitzman family had received calls to hear the news.

‘I Should Buy a Plant for My Room,' Thinks Soon-To-Be Plant Murderer

Milton, who will purchase a cute little succulent and accidentally kill it within a week, reasoned that a plant would look good in his room and that he could definitely take care of it.

Amy Gutmann to Rename Herself Following $250 Million Donation

Amy Gutmann to Rename Herself Following $250 Million Donation

My new name is an enormous honor, and it completely captures Penn's mission as a prestigious research university."

Respect: This Guy Gets It

Respect: This Guy Gets It

It ain't easy. It ain't hard, either. Some guys get it, some don't.

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4 Ways to Make Your Roommate Think You’re Having a Lot Sex

Furthermore, an occasional high five after your response can go a long way. Body language is key in making your roommate think you’re getting some. 


Freshman Realizes Last Night's Hookup Was Neighbor

He stumbled out the door into a very familiar hallway; the door across the hall had a little sign on it that had his name on it. 


Professor with No Laptop Policy Unaware He Is Boring and Unfuckable

Hopefully, it’s not too late to withdraw from the class.


Penn Student Spat on by Coffee Shop Employees past 44th Street

Increasingly fed up with the entitled student body at the University of Pennsylvania, the coffee shop workers by day and political radicals by night native to the West Philly area have taken to retaliatory action


Interview with the Handsome Old Man in Your Lecture

Retired, arthritis-ridden, and almost certainly a billionaire, Mister Riley Johnson takes pride in being an auditor.


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