Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Fuck Jeff From Writing Sem?

Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Fuck Jeff From Writing Sem?

It’s Friday evening and you just got out of writing seminar, your loins aflame. For the past hour and half you have ogled the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure of ogling. His name is Jeff, and he is one hot tamale.

Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets

Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.

Environmentalism Win! Penn to Replace Iconic Tampons Sculpture With Monument of Menstrual Cup

Environmentalism Win! Penn to Replace Iconic Tampons Sculpture With Monument of Menstrual Cup

In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups. 

OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat.

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Impressed Penn Tour Group Literally Blown Away By High-Rise Wind Tunnel

At around 1pm this past Wednesday, a fifteen-person Penn tour group was propelled into midair while being lead through the violent high-rise wind tunnel. 


Deluded Sophomore Wears Cute Underwear to Formal as if Date Will Actually Fucking Notice

College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight.


Woman in Bodysuit Taking Dump Fully Naked in Handicap Stall

After deciding to wear her new lavender bodysuit she purchased from Urban Outfitters on Black Friday, Rebecca Cartwright (W ‘20) was left to make her usual afternoon coffee-induced defecation fully in the nude.


Rebel Student Writes Essay in 11pt Arial Before Enlarging to 12pt Times New Roman

Vilsack opened up a new document in Google Drive and just started writing.


Guy Who Sits in Corner of Class Knows Way Too Much About Nazi Party in WWII

It came as a bit of a surprise to the other members of the class when one of them seemed a bit too invested in a key component of the source material – the Nazi Party in WWII.


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