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BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny

BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny

It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.

Student Graduates With Penn GPA 2.7, Sims 4 University of Britechester GPA 4.0

"I'm really setting myself up well for a high-paying critic career or maybe even one as a style influencer."

Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious

Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious

Under the Button is still working to understand the nature of this incident and gain any clarity at all into this developing story.

Class Silent After Professor Asks Question About Material Not Covered in Wikipedia Summary

Class Silent After Professor Asks Question About Material Not Covered in Wikipedia Summary

“I’m usually a very active participant in class,” Michaelson said. “But then Professor Chowdry asked about something that wasn’t covered on the 150-word abstract or the Wikipedia page, and that’s really beyond my purview.”

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Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot

You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.


Imposter Alert! Junior Who Can’t Spell 'Restaurant' Regularly Eats in Them

Okay, I’ll be honest — I’m an imposter. Despite regularly eating in restauraunts I am incapable of spelling the word ‘restraunt.’ That spelling just now was an honest try, and I must admit it brings me great shame.


Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge

Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch. 


"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents

 4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"


Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening

You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.  


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