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News


Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.


Junior Who Had 8 Months on Campus Excited to Claim Superiority Over Baby Underclassmen

Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.


Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn

Get ready to see some graphic shit.


UTB Investigates: Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 


Uh-Oh! Flooding in Germany Suddenly Gutmann’s Problem

Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.



Wharton Student Qualifies for Olympic Track and Field After Impressive Netflix Marathon

Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.


UPenn Bottoms Protest White Dog’s Bottomless Brunch

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.


BREAKING: I Didn't Ask For This Life

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.


Analytical King! Craig Marked Growth of Penis on Family’s Living Room Door Frame

Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.


Tragic! Area Woman Dies After 10-Minute Male Attention Withdrawal

She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.


The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 


Little Timmy Claims “Freedom of the Pursuit of Happiness,” Avoids Cleaning Room

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."


Breaking: Gutmann Sets Sights on Gentrifying Germany Next

After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.


Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.


Gutmann to Become Ambassador to Germany, Pending Final Grade in GRMN-104

Gutmann has already packed twelve Michael Kors bags full of Dirndls and pantsuits, and she now only responds to “Präsidentin Gutmann.”


Branding Shift! New Penn Bookstore Promotion Advertises 2-For-1 Colostomy Bag Deal

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.


Lonely Teen Finds Cool New Summer Friend: Mom

For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom. 


Fighting Couple Amends Sign “I Love You to the Moon and Back” to “I Love You to at Least the Grocery Store”

"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"


About Time! Penn Freshman Finally Graduates High School

Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.


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