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News


Voter Worried He Won’t Receive Mail-in Bride on Time

"I just want to feel her silicone presence beside me. I planned to consummate her arrival on election night, but now I'm not sure if we'll get our special evening!" 


Humble God! Rich Student Finds Only Corner of House Not Lined With Greco-Roman Sculptures for Video Call

“I almost ran straight into one of my personal butlers on the way to the ‘Zoom Corner’ as I’ve called it,” Larue recounted, fixing up his $500 haircut with a golden comb. “I was all like — good heavens!”


美国怎么搞的?

以前,中国学生都想去美国读书,但是现在,他们真的不明白美国为什么会搞成这样。还是在中国上学吧,起码你还可以去校园上课。


"Take Me Back bb" Student on Leave of Absence Begs to Return in Spring Semester

Back in August, taking a gap semester seemed like a good idea to would-be College Sophomore Sophie Smith, but now that all her friends are back in school and she's living under her parents' roof, she has decided that the spring semester can't come soon enough.


REPORT: Zoom A Capella Impossible and Also Unnecessary

After UTB reviewed a Shabbatones concert back in 2016, our staff figured that a Capella truly couldn't get any worse. However, following some unprecedented times back in March, it did.


Stuck At Home: Frat Guy Missing Parties to Start Accosting Sister’s Barbies

“Don’t judge me, Kathy! I just miss campus so much and the endless opportunity to grope women…. treading the fine line between sexual misconduct and oopsie daisy!” 


Is He Cute or Is He The Only Liberal Boy in a 20-Mile Radius?

For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?” 


Something Will Happen If I Keep Banging My Head On The Table

They say in every block of granite there's a sculpture, I can really feel the table bring the sculpture in me out.


City of Philadelphia to Dispatch Gritties to Protect Philly From Voter Intimidation

Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry creature. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The orange knight we deserve.


Wharton Resume Padding Club Adds 3000 New Members

Last Sunday marked the first, and only, club GBM of the year in which only 20 of the club’s 7500 total non-board members attended. During this meeting, the club’s seven presidents and 15 vice-presidents each spoke for thirty seconds about the goals for the club. 


Oops! Instagram Activist Never Registered To Vote

The UTB investigative team has come to the conclusion that reposting infographics on Instagram is Emily’s main way of fulfilling her civic duty, instead of doing boring things like voting or phone banking. 


BREAKING: ‘Right Outside of Philly’ Actually Encompasses the Entire World

One must understand that moving right, for long enough, really just takes you back to where you started. This realization naturally leads to the conclusion that all of the globe's latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates can be included in 'right outside of Philly.'


Separate Town Halls Brings Nostalgia of Christmas for Child of Divorce

Children of divorce expected Trump to play the rule of their wife-abusing father that’s alcoholism and ever present anger management issues forced the marital trouble in the first place. 


Penn Officials Enforce Weekly Covid Testing By Breaking into Off-Campus Housing

The worst is when we get someone who starts screaming when they wake up and see you swabbing their nose. Like do you not care about your health? We’re trying to do you a favor here 


As Mask and Wig Locks Down Partnership With Netflix, Bloomers Still to Perform Shows on Instagram Live

Bloomers Chairwoman Rachel Bucknell (C '21) wasn't worried about performing via Instagram Live. "I think this option is super accessible to the audience we want to reach. Our only concern is that the shoulders of our oversized suits won't fit in the frame." 


Unfulfilled Fall and Spring Break Relaxation to Be Channeled Towards Amy Gutmann’s Immortality

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 


Students Make A Difference By Voting for Student Government

Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.  


BREAKING: Mask and Wig Does Not Exist

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’. 


Brooke O'Harra To Join Chris Wallace In Moderator Support Group

O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat. 


Fuck It: Third Pret In Huntsman

And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from. 


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