News

Pledge Bonds with Orangutan Plush After Being Dropped by APES

Mark "Punch" Goldberg was dropped by APES on Monday after saying a slur in public and not behind closed doors like he is supposed to.

Guy Who's Taking a Break From Social Media Only Doing It So He Can Tell You About It

He needs you to know that he’s better than you for taking a break and deleting the apps for a while (2 hours) and that he’s trying to improve himself via attention span resetting, dopamine cleansing, and internal work. 

Grad Strike Narrowly Averted as Penn Allows Grad Students to Take Two Entrees from Grommons Instead of One

One graduate student had suggested increasing the amount of sides from two to three. She was immediately executed on the spot.

SEAS AI Major Commits Suicide After Being Asked If Studying Wharton AI

The CIS Department has announced that in Daniel’s honor, January 16th will henceforth be the “Day of SEAS AI Major Visibility”. Plans for the inaugural celebration next year already include a second vigil, along with spraying fart spray into Wharton professors’ cars.

Penn Football Rose Sale on Locust Triggers PTSD in University’s Nerds

“It felt like being shoved into a locker all over again.”

Chivalry Isn't Dead! Boy Saving 50% Off 10 Pc McNuggets Deal for Valentine’s Day Dinner

There are still some good men out there!

BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Found in Epstein Files

 “It’s an outrage,” said one student who wishes to remain anonymous. “I can excuse most of the things they did on that island, but I draw the line at animal abuse.”

Ketamine Enthusiasts Excited for the Year of the Horse

This year’s incarnation, the Fire Horse, promises rapid change and transformation, an untamed force that refuses stagnation. To many ket-heads, this is less a prediction than a confirmation: the universe is finally speaking their language.

Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic

“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”

Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core

At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."

To Whoever Stole My Underwear From The Harnwell Laundry Room: Get Ready For a Nasty Yeast Infection

Don't. Mess. With. My. Clothes, Ho.

Alpha Jaywalker Brutally Mogs Beta Waiting for Walk Sign

Who needs to obey the traffic lights? Only a weak person with a fragile mindset, who believes that the Philly driver who is simultaneously on Snapchat and vaping will hit them. 

Guy From Some Northeastern City Wants You to Know It's Not That Cold

A Guy from a Northeastern City has some opinions about recent temperatures. 

“Aw Man”: Penn Student Not Sure What to Do About Epstein Files

To further probe this issue, Under the Button has reconvened our Comedy Think Tank.

A New Age: Sammy Becomes Primarily Presbyterian Frat

In a land of increasing competition between Jewish fraternities at Penn, Sammy has lost its position as a Jewish fraternity at Penn and will be forced to take an entirely Presbyterian class this semester.

Elon Musk (C ’97) Deemed “Too Off-Putting” To Hang Out With Pedophile Group

“Thank God that freak Elon isn’t here. That guy really sucks. Fucking weirdo.”

“At the Age of 60, My Vision Has Significantly Worsened”: Visual Studies Professor Explains Risks of Major