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Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week

Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.

Passover Gone Wrong: These JVP Members Are Being “Passed Over” in Their Grandparents’ Wills

“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.

TV Show Celebrity Decides One Year On Campus Pretty Much Enough For Him

“He was very accustomed to craft services,” says one source, “He really was disappointed at the lack of craft services. You’d think for an Ivy League school we’d have craft services – at least for the students who really matter.”

Happy Earth Day! Penn Announces Plans to Cement Over Biopond for the Construction of a New Wawa

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. That is, a parking lot to a Wawa. Which in some cases could be considered an even better paradise. 

I Interviewed The Drag Queen Who Planned Tel Aviv Night at Smokes

“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.” 

I Feel The Rush: Penn Barbell Club Replaces Ammonia Sniffing Salts with Poppers

A twist, a sniff, and a flush of red.

Insider Scoop: Amy Wax Called Me a Filthy Arab Immigrant & Put Me in a Chokehold

Tears ran down my cheeks, yet my mind mustered no thought other than the fact that her breath smelled distinctly of freshly consumed Law-School-provided white claws.

Wharton Undergraduate Consulting Club Now Open to Cases Dedicated to Getting You Bitches

WUCC announces "the next step in streamlining open communication between stakeholders and creating an optimal environment for connection in the romantic stratosphere."

Forbidden Love? This Senior in a Top Frat is Emotionally Manipulating a Freshman

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?

Quad Custodian Unearths Stunning 9 Foot Long Cum Fossil in Boys' Shower Drain

It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.

OP-ED: What You Can Steal From Van Pelt

Have you ever wondered why the security guards at Van Pelt check your backpacks and don’t seem concerned with much else? 

Mr Beast’s $1 Million Challenge “How Many Items Can You Steal From Pret In 30 Seconds”

An anonymous source has leaked that the one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky was the winner.

An Epidemic of Loneliness: The Neglect of Penn’s Little In-Laws

I’ve been thinking about how to make Big-Little Week more about me, and I finally realized my very close personal connection to the various sisterhoods across campus.

BREAKING: I Act Visibly Emotionally Tortured Each Time I Pass a Campus Tour

 I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”

7 Ways to Be Anti-coquette

Free yourself. 

Charlotte’s Surprise Pregnancy: Stingray Jesus or Classic Case of 2-Sharks-1-Stingray Threesome?

Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...

Fiji Hosts Case Race for Palestine

I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow!

OFSL to Offer Philanthropy Credit for Penn Global Seminars in “Third-World Countries”

Though Penn Global Seminar courses have deceptively claimed to broaden horizons and deepen cross-cultural understanding, OFSL’s new initiative clarifies that their true purpose is to provide “feel-good” service opportunities.