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4 Pictures of Expired Milk That Will Make You Say 'That's Not Expired Milk. That's DNC Presidential Nominee, Joe Biden'

This picture might look like expired milk, but what I imagine this picture smells like and what I imagine Joe Biden smells like are exactly the same. 

Student Takes Multiple Showers to Avoid Family

"I kinda felt bad about it at first because I am an Environmental Studies Major. And I feel like I'm killing the dolphins. But you know what? Fuck the dolphins. They can swim away from their family and I can't!" 

Hot Girl Erasure: I Turn My Camera Off During Zoom Classes

Maybe I'll just enter the call without video but put "I'm a 10, btw" in the chat.

Friendly Reminder: John Quiñones Brought You Into This World, and He Can Take You Out of It

Just accept it already: all the world’s a stage, and we are no more than John Quiñones’ unknowing play-things.

Ben on the Bench Gets His Revenge, Awakens to Piss on Students

I approached the bench, unbuttoned, ready to wizz... when Ben hopped up shouting, "Enough of this shit. I'm going to make y'all as wet as my old French mistresses!" Breeches down, he soaked us with 33 years of alcohol-infused piss.

Confused Man Mourns Loss of BLT on Supreme Court Steps

Upon hearing of the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, affectionately called "RBG," hundreds flocked to the supreme court steps to honor her memory. But one man, Barry B. Fuddled went to the supreme court steps to honor another fallen hero, or so he thought. 

Pandemic Doing Wonders for Students’ Growing Dislike of Others

Pandemic hatred is a perfect excuse to cut out all the annoying acquaintances in your life and those few unfortunate anti-mask friends that you let slide before. 

Student Excited to be Back Making Direct Eye Contact with Self for 15-25 Hours a Week

Since getting back in the swing of things, Garcia has taken great pleasure in closely examining her eyebrows throughout her statistics class.

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Being a Fucking Jackass Hypocrite Baboon

Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards 

Big Win! Mom Said I Get to Pick Out a Special Treat at the Grocery Store

I waited patiently as we put eggs, milk, and butter in our cart. I watched cautiously as my mom put fruits and veggies into our cart. By the time Mom put the bread in the cart I was getting antsy. I couldn't stop thinking about my special treat.

Penn Mandates Drexel Shirts When Partying

 “So please, for the safety of the school, wear a Drexel T-shirt when you go out, and don’t forget…..Go Dragons!"

Frat Pong Table Wonders Where Everyone Went

The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye. 

Impressive! This Student Is Fulfilling Their Language Requirement By Talking Shit About Their Housemate

Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.

Study Shows Boyfriend Really Good at Using Computers

The sleek metal, cold to the touch and coursing with Apollonian energy, feels alien to the gays and girls’ empathetic faculties. Some are also just simply “too hot” to reduce themselves to using technology on a consistent basis. 

BREAKING: Instead of Paying PILOTs, Penn Offering 50% BOGO on Bookstore Apparel to All West Philly Residents

When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."

CAPS to Offer Emergency Counseling for Students Who Didn't Know They Were Unmuted

“Yeah, I’m here because I dissed my professor’s new haircut pretty hard,” Phyllis Herrell (C ‘23) confessed to his counselor. “I mean, it really looked like a wild racoon made its way onto his scalp and died there, but he wasn’t supposed to hear all that.”

Anti-Maskers: West Coast Wildfires Are Just Pro-Mask Propaganda

“Of course it’s California and Oregon. The damn libertards are setting the state on fire and making smoke just so people wear masks,” said Bigdumm. “Wake up you sheeple, can’t you see it's just the government trying to control you.” 

Phila. Capitalist Group Apparently Responsible for Historic Unrest, Property Destruction

Capitalizing off tensions arising in part due to the Cold War, this group successfully destroyed the property of thousands of people in West Philadelphia during the 1960s.

Vape God Tommy Loves Breakout Rooms

“The transition to online classes has been really great.” Tommy said, “I never need to come up with an excuse not to pass the pen. All to myself, baby.” 

Here Is How Beto Can Still Win

Beto beats Biden by over 12 points with voters who drink craft beer!