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PennInTouch Found Among Ancient Artifacts During Mayan Excavation

Although it was dated to be over 4000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 

University Notification: Greek Life Requires Green Pass for Lively Affairs

Beginning sometime in the near future, students must have a green PennOpen Pass if they are attending any lively gatherings hosted by Greek Life organizations. 

Shoot! Gutmann Forgot To Cancel Spring Semester!

Don't worry, the semester isn't over yet! 

Greedy Little Piss Babies: Freshmen Want to Make Friends

Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers. 

Good News! Simultaneous Tube Spitting Not Awkward Whatsoever

Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!

3-for-1 Deal: Senior Frat Brothers to Give Freshmen Women Chlamydia, COVID-19, and Trauma

The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. 

Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 

0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.

Trump Gifts His Kids Coal for Christmas to Support the Mining Industry

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”

Penn Endorses Microdosing of Spring Break

“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”  

In Light of Everything: Möbius Strips

You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.

Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes

I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.

AE A-XII Says First Word: $$%&*!!!

But how do you pronounce it? 

Maureen Rush Reportedly in Heated Skribbl.io Match During U. Council Meeting

“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”

BREAKING: Santa Claus Charged for Violating Elven Labor Laws

One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."

Wharton Students Receive Extra Gifts From Beneath the Christmas Trees of CAS Students

Whether the gifts are just stocking stuffers or the new PS5, Wharton is taking the opportunity to teach a lesson in trickle down economics this holiday season.

Ableist! Readings Days Not Inclusive Towards Illiterate Students

Under the Button will be organizing a real, totally legitimate protest tomorrow at 3:47am in front of College Hall to demand the administration change “Reading Days” to “Days.” 

Economic’s Stem Classification Paves Way for New Stem Astrology Major

There will be labs in palm readings and blaming your bad parking on being a Pisces. Instead of a textbook, professors will assign daily readings on CoStar and group presentations assigned based on your Moon compatibility.  

Get Fucked, Idiots! The P Stands for Penis

Now every time you rep the Red and Blue, you’re actually repping some collegiate chode! 

An Ivy League Student’s Guide to Reading Analog Clocks

Try saying “quarter to twelve”, “half-past ten”, or “a third into fourteen.” These phrases will throw that unwieldy math back at your audience, forcing them to be the ones to struggle with fractions.