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Oops! Professor Forgets that Students Are People, Too

 Professor Shannon is happy to report that she currently enjoys an overall rating of 1.2 on Penn Course Review, and “is optimistic that in the coming semesters [she]’ll be able to bring her average up to the 1.25 range.”  


Here's a List of Philly Neighborhoods That Don't Exist But Sound Pretty Hip

Wanna SEPTA to Pussyank this weekend?


Breaking: Chronic Masturbator Totally Edging during Gender Studies Lecture on Pornography

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 


Professor Totally Forgot About Course Evaluations, Just Brought Donuts for No Reason

Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too. 


Past His Peak! Braden Will Have You Know That He Ran At Penn Relays In Middle School

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”  


Resourceful: Guy Puts Meme in Presentation to Mask Own Unpreparedness

Last Tuesday, certified class clown Brian Cobb (C ‘22) inserted a hilarious meme into his English presentation. His fellow students, who came in expecting a serious analysis of the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, were nonetheless impressed with Cobb’s resourcefulness.


Breaking: Old White Man in DP Comments Section Has Solution to Curing Democracy of All Corruption!

Thompson has said that he will continue his good work, keeping our democracy clean and pure by commenting on burgeoning journalists posts with “WRONG!” and “lame.” 


Residential Services Tries to Sublet Entire Quad for Summer

Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.


Oops! Junior Misses Hey Day, Has to Repeat College

Per university policy, Kroll was immediately re-enrolled as a freshman. A College Office staffer commented that “the administration believes Hey Day is so irrevocably entwined with the Junior Experience™ that any student who misses it can hardly be allowed to be called a Penn student at all.”


Sad! This Boy Hasn't Gotten a Notification on His Phone All Class

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.


Not Again! Getting in WilCaf Line at 10:59 Makes Sarah Late to Class Again

Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?! 


Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 


RESULTS: Penn Individual Student Survey

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.


Clever! Senior Redacts 65% of Final Paper

That’s why, when it came time to submit his final report for PSCI 237 (The Science of Why Political Science Is a Science, We Swear), Moller knew that he had to do something creative. His report was a mess, and there was no time to edit.


Cinema Studies Department Cancels Classes in Anticipation of Game of Thrones Aftermath

Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.


Soundworks Tap Factory Really Bad at Hide and Seek

In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities. 


"Math Is Beautiful," Says Not-So-Beautiful Nerd

Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.


Spring Has Sprung! Jack Broke out His Birkenstocks and Now We Get to See His Toes Everyday

After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.


Visiting Lecturer, The Boss Baby to Teach MGMT 248 in the Fall

Demand for the class is expected to be very high. Wharton sophomore Charlie Kurtis-Thompson said “I heard rumors Alec Baldwin will make a regular appearance.” 


After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing

Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.


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