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Hope Is Not Yet Lost: My Professor Tells Me I Definitely Haven’t Found My Genius Yet

It’s not in Philadelphia that I will write my magnum opus or cure my own common cold, but in a place unknown to man.

Food For Thought: Huntsman Kinda Looks like The Panopticon

From the GSRs, the Wharton students who book them can see every non-Wharton student, but these second-class citizens will never know whether or not they are being watched.

Classic! Delusional Dumb Friend Makes Eye Contact With Crush, Now It's Everyones Problem

“OMG bitch, he’s so into you!” I reply. 

Collapsing The Binary: HipCityVeg to Offer Vegan Escargot

Eat a burger, you sick fuck.

GBM GONE WRONG: Club President Dropping Bag of SHS Condoms on Table, “No One Leaves Until These Are Finished!”

Clearly, this is a call to action. The entire club turned and looked at one another. We knew what must happen.

Fuck Yes! Teresa Caputo Appointed Chair of Penn Religious Studies

We return to fantasy not to forget, but to remember: other futures are possible. 

Phi Delt Farm, Hall Vineyard, APES Iceland, ZBT The Moon: WHEN WILL IT END?

Please stop this madness.

Bless Up! After Googling a Word I Realized That I Did, in Fact, Use It Correctly

Malaise is the Pantone color of the year. Use that in a sentence today.

Wake Up, SHEEP: Why Do None of You Bitches Know What a Persimmon Is?

"Persnimmon?” What the fuck? 

Stupid Bitch: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia

She was colors and light. She was clouds and trees. She was the water my mother drank while we were in her womb. We are twins, could you have guessed?

UTB Guide: How to Wait For Your Friends Outside Harnwell Without Looking Like a Hooker

Read a poem. Write a poem. Make the mistake of starting something new.

School Pride: Everyone Sighs Loudly When High Rise Elevator Stops on 4th Floor

Maybe it was about the friends we made along the way.

All of Human History to Now Be Measured as Before SDT Moms Weekend and After SDT Moms Weekend

Although this event of biblical importance happened over two months ago now, its impact on human life will forever and always be marked as a measurement of excellence and achievement.

You Bitch, You! Professor Cancels Class Due to Vague Reasoning, Comes Back with Killer Face Lift

The 75-year-old professor emeritus was repeatedly asked what classes she was taking next semester, mistaken for an undergrad.

Finally: LinkedIn Now Includes Section For Waist Size

I may not know who JP Morgan is but trust me, my size 2 waist is the real investment.

Sheesh: This Homeless Man Just Told You He’ll Also Take Venmo

Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!

Finally! Penn Dems Adds New Affinity Group for Blue-Eyed Blondes

The oppressed majority.