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News


Ally Behavior! This Straight Woman Does Poppers

"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"


Translation Guide: Understanding the Father Tongue

Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!


Change Up! Dad Who Usually Complains About Never Seeing Kids Now Wants Kids Permanently Out of House

"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means." 


“Daddy’s Cummies” Deemed Completely Kosher; to be Served at Hillel This Fall

Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!


Breaking: Intolerable Boy From Writing Seminar Calls Bo Burnham Comedy Special “Groundbreaking”

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.


Wharton Receives $5 Billion Monopoly Money Donation, Plans on Acquiring Baltic Avenue

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.


Student Interning from Home Regrets Passionate Goth My Little Pony Phase

Golding was pleased with her magnum opus for about 10 months before her pride turned to indifference, dislike, disgust, then finally repulsion.


Sophomore Unaware He Is at Exact Moment When Gifted Child Turns into Burnt Out Adult

At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.


Van Pelt Library Announces Rectal Exams as Theft Precaution

If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library. 


Penn Glee Club Integrates With Penn Sirens, Dhamaka, TEP, Penn Polish Club, the Netter Center, Gregory College House, Locust Protesters, Penn Catholic Newman Community, Allied Universal Workers, Linguistics Majors, and Your Mom

The Penn Glee Club made history by integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir. 


Wow! Mediocre Man Emotionally Unavailable

You loved him. He averaged around 50 hours before he texted you back each time. You did not once experience orgasm during sex with him. What a king!


Innovative! Sad Girl Takes Crying Selfie to Prove She Is Sad

She lamented her harrowing life as a young white girl. 


English Major Enters 11th Month of Reading Same Paperback

At this point, Lopez requested a nicotine break. 


LGBT Win! Penn Closet Rebrands as “Penn Come Out of the Closet”

In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.


Report: High School Friends Remain Uncultured, Uneducated Swine

They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.


Penn Institutes Footloose Rules to Prevent Covid-19 Outbreak in the Fall

After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984) and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Campus Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.


Incel to Give Up Sex for Lent

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.


30x30: 30 Hits for 30 Days

Go outdoors, get high, and take a mindful minute. 


How to Avoid Getting Covid

I found this website called Corona Cures XXX that gave a lot of cures that haven’t been circulated by mainstream medicine, among other things. 


Save Time With Internship Applications By Sending Your Resume Straight to the Trash

Companies will appreciate your forward-thinking and might even take your initiative into account when they consider your application.  


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