News


Passive Aggressive? Student Throws Away Roommate's Belongings as Part of Weekly Trash Run

Gentle pranks, kind-hearted jabs, and the occasional backstabbing is all considered par-for-the-course when it comes to living with a complete stranger.


Student Spends Night in Bathroom With Hands in Dyson Airblade©, Still Had to Wipe Hands on Jeans.

Around 10 p.m. last night, Jack went to the bathroom — the one that looks a little fancy from the outside but has the same stank as the bathrooms in Pottruck.


That Kid Who Always Leaves 20 Minutes into Lecture? Here’s Where He’s Going

A thorough investigation of Moore was recently conducted, following him on a few of his outings in order to finally discover his whereabouts.


Sophomore Girl Changes from Pajamas into Her 'Going Out' Sweatpants

Someone call Tim Gunn!


Freshman MERTed Out of Exam: 'That Had Me Fucked Up'

"After I read that problem about the Pigouvian tax, I knew I was done for."


Student Wakes From Nap In Refreshing State Of Delirium

Kylie Ortega was feeling drowsy as she headed home from class yesterday afternoon.


Dirty, Stained Plate Honestly Looks More Appetizing Than Anything at Commons ‘Comfort’ Station

The results are in! 10 out of 10 Penn students agree.


They Do the DP Crossword Together Every Week. Last Friday, She Used It to Tell Her 'we should stop hooking up. idk i think ur kinda too clingy'

Johns, who reached out to the DP weeks in advance, wanted to reject Thomas in a unique way.


Heartbreaking: Freshman Realizes 'BBB' Major Doesn't Stand for 'Big Booty Bitches'

Why do I think Penn is the right school for me? Three words...


Philadelphia Overlooked as Gutmann Picks New York and DC as Sites for New Penn HQ

Penn announced on Tuesday that—despite its student body and the large amounts of land it has purchased and gentrified in West Philly—it will be building new offices in New York City and Washington, D.C.


College Junior Fluent in Mandarin After Incredible, Immersive Year in Domus

Jacob Smith, a junior studying economics in the College, may not strike you immediately as someone who fulfilled his language requirement with Mandarin.


Student Completes Tiny Act of Kindness for the Day, Spends Rest of Day Being a Dick Like Usual

At 9:54 a.m., Liam Taylor (C ’20) was on his way to get a spicy beverage from Pret a Manger when, in an act of complete selflessness and humility, he held open the door for the person behind him.


Engineering Junior in the Midst of Applying to Internships Attends Seance, Hoping to Recall Soul from the Dead

After Jenny Teller (E ’20) was told by her academic advisor to “have more soul” going into the internship recruitment process, she knew exactly what had to be done.


Newsflash: The Rodent in Your Dorm Room Isn’t a Mouse, It’s an Elephant Shrew!

Yo kid, that’s not a mouse under your refrigerator, that’s a goddamn elephant shrew, and you better take good care of it.


Professors Agree: Inappropriately Long and Stressful Midterm Best Way to Test Material

"Academic professionals everywhere know that the human brain performs at its best when under immense, crippling stress."


PENNALERT: Really Fucking Cute Dog on 36th and Locust

On Thursday, Penn students staff, and faculty received text notifications regarding an “adorable dog, possibly wearing a sweater and shoes at 3600 Locust Walk.” 


Freshman Realizing Signing Year-Long Lease with Essential Strangers Might Have Been a Bit Hasty

“There was a lot of pressure to sign the lease before November,” Rodriguez said.


Yikes: Premed Accidentally Takes SAT Instead of MCAT

From his pristine GPA to his extracurriculars, Preston Fleming (C ’21) was a guy who had school figured out. Or at least, so he thought. 


World-Renowned Guest Lecturer Has Record High Attendance of Students Texting on Laptops

At Penn, guest lectures are often viewed as skip days for that class, or, at the very least, a nap period.


Fine Arts Student Discovers Abstract Algebra has Nothing to do With Abstract Art

Panic quickly devolved into horror in class today as fine arts major April Hubman (C’20) suddenly realized that the abstract algebra class she was in had absolutely nothing to do with abstract art. 


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