Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

News


Penn to Send Unused Meal Swipes in Form of Soggy Pizza, Moldy Strawberries to Ukraine

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  


Success! Week-Long Mask Mandate Totally 100% Effective

The novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay! 


Oh No! Penn Loses Entire Endowment Betting on High-Stakes UNO

Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy.


What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.


I Now Only Go to Acme with the Hopes of an Anvil Falling On My Head

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 


Self-Efficacy! CAPS Told Me To “Apply Myself”

That idea had literally never passed through my vapid little brain, so I’m really excited to try it out on my two presentations, six reflections, three final papers, and four exams due this coming week. 


Penn LGBT Center Says You Can Use “Gay” in a Derogatory Way Again

In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.”


DOWNLOAD THIS APP OR ELSE (Free Insomnia xx)

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that. 


Two Can Play This Game: Your Therapist Also Texts During Your Session

As he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.


Path@Penn Is a Convenient, High-Tech, Innovative, Yet Nostalgic Website for All Your Needs

Sure, right now, some parts of you are still PennInTouch and sometime this summer you and PennInTouch will merge into one supreme life form. But for now, I love seeing you as you are.


Instructive Handwashing Posters To Be Replaced With Step-by-Step Toothbrushing Guides

After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.  


BREAKING: Penn to Convert Smokes Into Indian Restaurant

On Wednesday nights, Sink or Swim will be discontinued and replaced with CIS 160 tutoring.


Bold! Girl Online Shopping in Front Row Buying Ugly Clothes

That half-zebra print, half-cheetah print bodysuit with ‘Vegan Babe’ emblazoned in lime green? Absolutely hideous! And yet this fearless pioneer added that to her cart within seconds, in full view by the lecture hall of students behind her.  


Anonymous Sorority Welcomes Undisclosed Number of Unknown People Into New Pledge Class

We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”


Photo Essay: Penn Architecture Society's Building Beautification Proposal

The Penn Architecture Society suggests these alterations.


BREAKING: GSR Disputes Will Now Be Settled With Staring Contests

I showed the woman at the front desk in Biotech my green pass. She hissed at me. Fair enough.


Penn to Launch the LGBT Center Into Outer Space

Once all is lit, the combustion will get this sucker free from the homophobic waters within which it wades. We will go up, up, up and away, filling the void so woefully and ignorantly established at present by the lack of space-gays. 


Penn Recruits Five-Star Spikeball Prospect

Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.


Ten Ways to Maintain Your Painstakingly Crafted and Curated Persona on BeReal

When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are.


REPORT: Introverted Boys Twice as Likely to Mutter "Yeah, Wanna Push Me Around, Huh" to Self While Showering

“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”


PennConnects