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News


Forget the Bikini, Sophie Looking Forward to Getting Mask Tan This Summer!

Sophomore Sophie Pearson would usually be hitting the beach to work on her tan, enabling her to flex on her friends come fall, but this summer she's got a small modification to her usual plan in mind.


With Finals Over, Josh Looking Forward to More of the Same

With his usual summer activities on hold, Josh continues to spend much of his time sitting on the floor of his childhood bedroom with his laptop in his lap and a slight sadness on his face. 


After Grueling Day of Watching Netflix, Student Is Ready to Finally Unwind

 Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days. 


Penn Hires Jungle Cruise Guides to Give Campus Zoom Tours

“Prospective students will still get to hear about important traditions like toast throwing and how Greek life isn’t that important to the social scene, but now, it’ll be with puns!”


Student Enrolls in Summer CIS 160 To Preserve Mental Health in Quarantine

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 


Basically Shakespeare: Jeremy Finishes 700-Page "Killer Bean" Fan Fiction

Despite never having read Shakespeare, Stanley has opted to honor the great poet by dubbing his own opus, King Bean. Asked Stanley's mother, "Can someone please explain Killer Bean to me again?"  


Mr. Clean to Step up as University Co-President

“Our concerns about COVID-19 are real, we are taking this very seriously, but we also really want to open because we are committed to quality education. For that reason, the tall, handsome, Mr. Clean will be helping us out this fall.”


Junior 'Travels the World' by Varying Sleep Schedule

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 


Email From the Provost: "OMG That Was Your Stuff? Ugh, We Threw That out Woops :P"

So, we got bored and threw away every single possession left in a dorm. What are you gonna do about it? It's not like we were gonna actually make a plan to get it back to you. Idiot. 


Student Builds Medieval Battering Ram to Get His Stuff Back From Penn Housing

“Ha! Those Whartonites can’t say I have a useless major now!” 


Professor Taking Her Class P/F Only Grades 60% of Student Finals

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."


Excerpts From My Quarantine Dream Journal With Zero Context

Why write down real, accurate, historical things that have actually happened when you can record the funny things your brain makes up at night?


Virtual Commencement Concludes With Redirect to Alumni Giving Page

A pop-up message complete with virtual confetti appeared saying, “Congratulations, class of 2020! What better way to celebrate your graduation than to make a gift to The Penn Fund?”


Missouri, State Known for a Bent Piece of Metal and Meth, Sues China for Disruption Due to COVID-19

"The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!"


After Semester Online, All Penn Students Become Nearsighted

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.


Penn Promoting Gap Year for International Students "Just so They Know It's There"

Penn, like many other universities, has yet to announce its four-months-away response to the rapidly evolving pandemic with new information daily. Despite this, Penn Dean of Admissions, Eric “swearing at the Eagles” Furda (C '87) sent an email to international students this past week promoting gap year options “just so they know they are there.”


Careful: Penn Mobile to Administer 20,000 Volts to Prefrontal Cortex for Thinking About Going off Meal Plan

Shocking! Students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.


Student Found Hiding out in Gregory College House!

They wanted to know how he had gotten into the locked building. Evans replied simply, “I never left.”


Anti-Quarantine Protests: Finally, A Social Movement We Can All Get Behind

Some people in various states around the country were like, this quarantine thing sucks. I want to be able to buy grass seed and go to my third home. I miss the everyday freedoms like yelling offensive things at women on the street. And we all get it — every one of us misses those things too.


Oh No! Melanie Failed Her Coronavirus Test

After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"  


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