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UTB Writer Joins Opinion, Forced to Mock Own Content

I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.


OP-ED: I Only Go to Metro Because I Love Verbal Abuse

Whenever I ask for a nice chai, I know that I can count on the barista to scoff at my embarrassingly basic taste in caffeinated beverages.


Top 10 Most Hilariously Dumb Penn Course Reviews

Not sure what classes you should take next semester? UTB and your peers have you got covered by revealing the brutal truth behind some of Penn's most popular courses.


Male Professor Talks About Sports

The five-minute conversation consisted of Reed playfully arguing with the four male students in the front row while the rest of the class watched.


Quiz: Is She Ghosting You, or Is She in the Monk Class?

Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.


No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.


This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story

"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."


This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning

For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.


Rock On! Confused Premed Enrolls in 7 Music Courses

His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.


BREAKING: Stanford Bad School

Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here?


Student's Superiority and Inferiority Complexes Oscillating Fast Enough to Produce Constant Contentment

While many of his peers are caught in the trap of either being so confident that they misjudge everything or being so insecure that they can barely get out of bed in the morning, Mung found the perfect solution.


Sad: On Campus Rats Shocked to Learn OCR Isn’t About Them

After years of thinking that the University's infamous On Campus Recruiting program was a celebratory rat-pride week called "On Campus Rats," they recently learned the truth. 


The Top 10 Democratic Candidates as Types of Ice Cream

7. Beto O’Rourke: Rolled Ice Cream: Its trendy, expensive, and ultimately exactly the same as other, less expensive and easier to eat ice cream. Looks great on Instagram. 


Penn Reveals "Gregory West" Just a Storage Container in the C '25 Alleyway

The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.


4 Unlined Notebooks That Say "Transcendentalism"

As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.


Junior to Spend Four Months Hiking Through Europe on Pottruck Treadmills

After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.


Gotta Tell 'Em: Your Friend's Band Is Just a Worse Version of the Strokes

Hm, you think. This sounds familiar, and they're not very good.


Engineer Waits Until Add/Drop Deadline to Register for Classes, Spends Entire First Week Stressing out and Playing Minecraft

I don’t know if he understands that engineers don’t get syllabus days, but God I wish I was on the server with him instead of doing the 243 math problems 8 CIS assignments and 2 CAD’s my professors assigned in the first two days of class.


Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now

Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.


Happy Year of Data! Penn Releases Spreadsheet Rife with Extremely Sensitive, Personal Student Info

After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.


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