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Charlotte’s Surprise Pregnancy: Stingray Jesus or Classic Case of 2-Sharks-1-Stingray Threesome?

Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...

Fiji Hosts Case Race for Palestine

I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow!

OFSL to Offer Philanthropy Credit for Penn Global Seminars in “Third-World Countries”

Though Penn Global Seminar courses have deceptively claimed to broaden horizons and deepen cross-cultural understanding, OFSL’s new initiative clarifies that their true purpose is to provide “feel-good” service opportunities.

Israel Agrees to Ceasefire So Long as Palestine Renames Itself to Palestein

While you have heard compelling arguments supporting Israel and Palestine from experts at the top of their fields, (socialist girls and frat guys who have taken one poly sci class) breaking news shows that there is new information regarding the conflict. 

BREAKING: Penn to Restrict Legacy Status to Applicants Conceived at SkiBT

Penn will also extend special status to applicants whose parents were avid coke users throughout their time at Penn.

Jon Huntsman to Reinstate Donation After “Feeling Represented” by Penn President For First Time Since 1993 All-Female Run

Huntsman is no stranger to diversity, boasting several years of global ambassadorship under his belt and more impressively and relevantly, an LDS mission to Taiwan

New PENNMATH Stan, Willing to Trade Ultra Rare Photocards to Complete a Prof G Collection

I have a few rare cards of my bias wreckers Cooper and Rimmer, but I am only willing to trade them for other rare Ghrist PCs

BREAKING: Penn To Arrest Every White Person in a Wasian Couple

 “We locked eyes in the ethnic food aisle in Trader Joe’s – right next to Trader Ming’s Kung Pao Chicken – and it was love at first sight.” 

Hotshot Candidate for Penn Presidency Hosts Israeli Writers Conference in Genius Move

Kinda crazy no one else thought to do this

Amidst Rising RSV Cases, Pottruck Gymbros Are Requested to Wipe Down Mirrors After Solo Make-Out Sessions

Nothing is more important than valuing yourself, feeling good about your appearance, and being comfortable in your own skin

Blimey! Daily NYT Crossword Doers have Especially Weak Grasp of 18th Century English Literature

Dean Sniegowski sighs, “Another cross cultural analysis course wasted on crosswords.”

Valentine’s Day Miracle: I Have Recitation With the TA I’ve Been Hooking Up With

Hiiiii haha this might be a silly question but how do you transcribe jʊər aɪz ɑr soʊ ˈbjutəfəl?

​​12 Facts About Penn You Definitely Didn't Know

Did you know the 6-year undergraduate graduation rate is 102%?

Model UN Staffer’s Phone Filled With WAY Too Many Videos of Underage Kids

The staffer's phone is filled with videos of minors singing karaoke, dancing, passing resolutions, pretending to give birth, and other various acts the children's parents remain unaware of. 

SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday

Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!

Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy

A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.

Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It

Marc Rowan's Awesome Day

Finally! Penn To Limit Study Abroad Students to Only One Private Story Post Per Day

We get it, you went to KitKatClub last night. Whatever. You can literally do that in Philadelphia too. It’s called TLO.

You’re Kidding Me! Junior Didn’t Get a Summer Job by Guilting a CEO He Found on MyPenn.

"Eh, I figured I’d talk to them for like an hour and see if I got a job."