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Opinion



UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad

Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.


Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad

There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad. 


Op-Ed: 20 Years Old Is Not Too Old for Father’s Day Breakfast in Bed

I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed. 



How to Not Set Yourself on Fire When Someone Bumps Message on Slack

Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work. 


“You Don’t Understand Me!” and Other Zingers for a Constructive Disagreement With Your Parents

 "I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.


‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life

We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.


OP-ED: I'm Hungies

YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.


OP-ED: Wanna See a Card Trick?

Sure you do.


If Nothing Matters, Then Why Am I So Important?

Even the Halal guy tells me that I am important. 


Why I Refuse to See Other Women as Competition Unless They Are the Same Race As Me

I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.


It’s Time Someone Colonized This Little Brown Girl

Good dick is good dick.


OP-ED: Penn Students, Eat More Poke Bowls

Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.  


Call for Action: Make Babies Second Class Citizens

I’m prepared to weather whatever resistance I am met with by mothers, fathers, and every other fucker under a baby’s conspiratorial spell.


Op-Ed: Stop Bringing Your Kids to Clark Park, I Need to Smoke

Bring justice to us future lung cancer patients.


Becky Weisberg and Mikayla Golub | Penn must divest from Penn

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money." 


The DP Angels answer pressing questions about ketamine, WilCaf, and women's bodies

 The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture! 


Penn Students, Start Misusing Your Privilege More

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.


OP-ED: We Need You on a Dining Plan So We Can Pay the Mortgage on Huntsman Hall

 Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget. 


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