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Opinion


​​Your WiFi is Insecure; Compliment That Hoe

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.


Becoming My Mother: A Cautionary Tale

I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother. 


Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia

A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.


Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me

Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.


"No, SWIRL Cone Please." "For the Last Time Ma’am, We Are Out of Chocolate Ice Cream"

"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" Those sacred words made my heart leap. I had been waiting for them all day. 


Six Hobbies for Gay People to Try Now that Pride Month is Over

It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.


Hey Everyone, Is It Too Late to Get a Summer Internship?

So far, I haven't seen any job openings I liked since I started my search 15 minutes ago, but I'm sure something will turn up... 


Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout

Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.


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Op-Ed: Why Gentrification Is Okay When I Do It

I think it's fine, so it is. 



UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad

Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.


Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad

There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad. 


Op-Ed: 20 Years Old Is Not Too Old for Father’s Day Breakfast in Bed

I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed. 



How to Not Set Yourself on Fire When Someone Bumps Message on Slack

Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work. 


“You Don’t Understand Me!” and Other Zingers for a Constructive Disagreement With Your Parents

 "I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.


‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life

We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.


OP-ED: I'm Hungies

YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.


OP-ED: Wanna See a Card Trick?

Sure you do.


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