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Opinion


OP-ED: Stop Reading the Hitler Statue Article

In my day, I’ve seen a thing or two. I know that when cottage cheese turns green you’re supposed to throw it out. In much the same way, I know that when an article is number one for too long, someone is manipulating page views on the UTB website.


Sad! Gutmann Unable to Take Pay Cut Due to University Policy

I brought Gutmann's salary up in an email to the Penn administration and they said I was "treading on thin ice and should stop my investigation". I thought that they were just trying to protect their enormous salaries and continued my search. It was then I found the tragic tale of a woman who is force-fed 4 million dollars every year.


Close Call! Good Thing My Girlfriend Goes to Law School in New Jersey

Lucky for me, my girlfriend goes to law school in New Jersey, NOT New York. (She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her.) I am so thrilled that I will be able to visit her every weekend during the school year. 


OP-ED: The Housing Announcement Isn't Late

To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly. Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. 


Op-Ed: Here's Why I, Eleanor Stalick, am Dropping Out of the Vice Presidential Race

Isn't it crazy that Joe Biden and I thought the exact same thing about me not being a VP candidate? Wouldn't Joe Biden and I work so well together? Haha jk... unless?


Op-Ed: Why Freshmen Need a Meal Plan More Than Ever

"Why am I still required to have a meal plan?" is one of the top questions on the Penn Dining FAQ page. Some speculate that Penn just wants to rake in the money, but in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. 


Where’s Kendall Jenner's Pepsi When We Need It?

Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?


Op-Ed: If Elon Hates Social Distancing So Much, Why Is He Sending People to the ISS?

Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on? 


My Study Abroad Was Great, Thanks for Asking!

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.


Dear Penn: When You're Moving My Stuff, I Also Left a Sweatshirt in DRL Can You Get That?

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.


Goodbye Hot Girl Summer, Hello Pasty Girl Spring

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.


OP-ED: Ask CHAS to Send You Your Vibrator Already, You Strong, Liberated Woman You

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you. 


OP-ED: Who Needs Dean's List When You Have Craigslist?

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.


Feeling a Little Down? You Deserve It.

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Figments of Our Collective Imagination: Amy Gutmann As a Mythological Symbol of the American Dream

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.


OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 


OP-ED: S-S-Sorry I Ha ve a Bad Zo om conn ct on. Can Y He ar Me Now?

My n   ame's Blurr  yface an d I c  are w hat y ou thi    nk


OP-ED: Here’s How Tulsi Can Still Win

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.


Oh No, Teacher Trying to Draw With Trackpad on Virtual Whiteboard

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.


OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.


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