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Opinion


So What My Poster of Monica Lewinsky Eating Out Bill Clinton is in my Zoom Background

Do you prefer I move my camera onto my poster of Gandhi snorting coke off of a hooker's ass? Or a make-a-wish kid on a private jet to Epstein’s Island? 


Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You

Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace Green Passes With the Gold Star Sticker System From Preschool

You were able to produce spit into a tube within an allotted two-week period? Gold star.


OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!


Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.


OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?


OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything

No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 


A Trip Into Psychedelic Medicine: I Took Ketamine at a Party

No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know. 


Meet the Penn Students Who Ghostwrite All of My Articles

We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!


A Cappella Show Review: They Just Sang the Cup Song Over and Over Again

The rest of the show went on this way, with each new version of the song adding a new cup in the background, as well as occasional harmonizing.  


OP-ED: The "W" on My Transcript Stands for Winner

A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.


OP-ED: Gender Studies Should Be a Wharton Major

How can Wharton students go into the business world successfully without reciting Barbara Frischmuth's feminist theory auto-biography Die Klostureschule (in original German) by memory?


If I Don’t Wave At You On Locust, I Don’t Dislike You, I Hate You

People like to assume that when they don’t get a wave back it’s because the other person just didn’t see. Well I’m here to reassure you, I saw it.


OP-ED: They Should Do a Capella With Instruments

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 


Masturbation Marathon! My Roommate Is in the Shower

Ten blissful minutes seal my fate; I fervently self-lubricate. A breast to rub, a bean to flick, I close my eyes. I masturbate.


“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.


REPORT: Professor Is Cool Because He Says “Fuck” a Lot

But more than that, he is deemed an inimitable professor also because of his habitual usage of the popular curse word, “fuck.” 


OP-ED: What The Fuck Is A Provost?

Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.


Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.


OP-ED: They Should Replace Louie Louie With a Second McDonalds

A monument to the people shall arise where elite culture once dominated. 


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