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Opinion


It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.


How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet

You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?


Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch

Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”  


Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended

If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.


Unhinged! Seven Doors that Aren’t Structurally Sound

We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!  


Sophie’s Choice: Invite Me to Your Party or Know I’ll Report It

You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage? 


TBH: I Need Like, Two Consecutive Weeks of Engagement Days

One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.


Breaking! Campus Just as Lonely and Boring as Staying Home

Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.


People Cheer as Cocky February Birthdays Are Finally Taken Down by Corona

They thought that they were simply built different and that their stupid little February birthdays were safe. But now who has the last damn word? 


OP-ED: Now, It's My Turn to Laugh.

Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.


Hold up! How Did Wendell Get My Number?

Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts. 


Wendell Pritchett Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.  


Five Trending Pillow Talk Topics To Get Them Hot and Heavy

*whispers sensually* equitable pay for all 


Don't Mind the Bubonic Boils, I Have a Green PennOpen Pass

I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.  


Whew! Now Penn Students Don't Have to Pretend to Be Embarrassed By President's Connection to University

While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.   


QUIZ: Should I Take Next Semester off or My Top Off?

I'm really having a difficult time deciding. 


UGH: Hometown High Schoolers Took Your Old Make Out Spot

Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.


Op-Ed: You Should Probably Start the Readings Now

I know you think you deserve a quick little 10-minute break (spoiler alert, you don't) and that you were hoping that a little UTB and chill would be helpful in relieving tension and help you focus long term, but trust me, it's not helping!


Liberals Use Santa As COVID Propaganda

Santa can't get sick? Well guess what, neither can I! 


How to Tell Your Mom You’re Dating a SoundCloud Artist

Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house. 


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