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Opinion


Your Guide to the 2020 Erection: Vote Bigger and Better

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in the honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing. 


OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck. 


The Best Way to Make a Difference Is to Post a Cute Graphic About Making a Difference

Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.


Roommate's COVID Plan Is Simply to “Vibe It Out”

Ashley reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? 


Fast Fashion? Zara Order Taking a Little Too Long to Arrive

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 


OP-ED: Did You Just Use the Word Smart?

Oh, give me a break.


You Don’t Have COVID... You Just Have Polio

Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?  


OP-ED: I Literally Would Have Cured Coronavirus by Now if My Lectures Actually Ended on Time

We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.


OP-ED: I’m a Freshman Who’s Been to Penn Once But You Can Def Trust What I Have to Say

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.


Help: Blue Light Affecting My Ability to Nut

I quickly ordered my anti blue light glasses, but unfortunately due to the current mailing crisis, they won't get here for another month! I'm counting down the days until I can finally nut, Zoom free. 


Um, I'm Confused: What's So Funny About 69ing?

The jokes are a simple acknowledgment of the number, simply followed by the word, “Nice.” 


Mike Pence's Head Fly, Will You Go to Prom With Me?

I know that that you're way out of my league, given that you're an international sensation now, but Mike Pence's Head Fly, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME? 


Hey, You Pathological Liar: Here Are Three (Fake) Fun Facts to Tell About Yourself During Icebreakers

The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!


Why Runescape Is Better Than Sex

Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape. 


PSA: Please Wear Your Mask Under Your Nose, Thanks

Come one guys, it's not that hard to figure out! All you have to do is pull the elastic straps over your ears and cover your mouth. That's it! What's all this covering your nose bullshit? 


The Patriot in Me: Selling Nudes to Fund My Biden Contribution

I needed a handle that would be catchy, a little political, but not too edgy. In honor of our recently deceased Supreme Court justice, I decided to go with @theNotoriousV.A.G. 


Hot Professor Has Suspiciously High Webcam Quality

Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing.


Tips for Perfect Mental Health: Don't Go to Therapy

Therapy is a capitalist cash-grab scheme, and we’re tired of big Psych compelling our readers to waste their money.


Regressing to My High School Self: How 6 Months at Home Reintroduced Me to Fanfiction

I write some of my own poetry and short stories and, of course, I'm reading high literary art including the likes of Joyce, Faulkner, and Marlowe, but sometimes after a long day of scholarly pursuits, I find myself indulging in my high school guilty pleasure: fan-fiction. 


A Double Negative Makes a Positive: How Math 170 Diagnosed Me With Coronavirus

I...II... - two negative tests. I counted again with tally marks to make sure. |...||... - two negative tests. I had coronavirus.


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