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Opinion


Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country

You begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity. 


OP-ED: Wharton Alliance Should Allow LGBTQ+ Allies to Cissy That Walk!

Cishet men/women dating in a nebulous queer way shall immediately be VPs of the diversity and inclusion committee.


There Will Be Blood: My Hallmate Fucked My Mom

When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom's. 


Woke Mob Hasn’t Cancelled David Bowie but Here Are the 10 Tweets I Will Fire Off if They Hypothetically Did

I am a top student at the University of Pennsylvania, not a prostitute.


Help! My Appearance Has Been Suffering, Please Send Me Thoughts About Me

Indeed, I have even attempted walking closely behind freshmen with hopes of corralling the trailings of their unregulated pheromones into my shell of a body. 


OP-ED: I’m Smiling Due to My Joy!

A failed situationship did not derail my life for four months!


OP-ED: The People in the High Rise Across From You Have Much More Fun and Interesting Lives

If I lived in Rodin, all my dreams would come true.


DONT SKIP!!! READ THIS ARTICLE FOR 10 YEARS OF LUCK (SHARE 3 TIMES TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA)

MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!


UTB Investigates: How Does Dry Cleaning Work?

I know I’m terribly naive, but doesn’t cleaning need water?


OP-ED: How Can I Be One of the Boys While Still Asserting My Feminine, Delicate Figure?

 I must conquer both my quirky, boyish, relatable self, and my petite, teeny-tiny, hourglass figure.


OP-ED: Twin-XL Beds Perpetuate Unhealthy Barbie-Like Beauty Standards

In fact, they are proud to accept fat people! Sorority bids are entirely based on controllable traits, such as wealth, clothes, and acne.


Suck It: The Two Genders Are Slay and Bruh

I am speaking my truth.


OP-ED: Why Don’t We Throw Parties During the Day? Dayparty? Drarty?

Why are we waging war on our circadian rhythm?


If I’m on the Listserv I Can Put It on My Resume, Right?

I look at my resume. Job experience: tennis teacher. Clubs and activities: under the button. Darn it, this won’t get me that internship at Goldman Sachs.


OP-ED: Maybe You’re The Problem

I slept in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, the ATO roof deck, under the button, and the Quad Catacombs.


OP-ED: If Em Dashes Are So Versatile, Then Why Can’t They Mend My Rapidly Deteriorating Relationship?

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”


Seven Scary Tactics to Make Your Code Run

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.


Photo Essay: I Spit on Nature’s Majesty

See this waterfall? It can go fuck itself too. 


Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 


Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.


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