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Opinion


Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country

You begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity. 


Happy Thanksgiving! My Friend Told Me I Have the Facial Structure of Goody Proctor

I think it’s your nose, maybe your chin. It's like someone overlayed every white girls' face. 


Damn: Insufferable Rich Kid Actually Pretty Drippy

Despite his decidedly insufferable characteristics, I must concede that this kid fucking dripsssss.


OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters

I realize I am damned to this narrative.


OP-ED: I Need You To Love Me More

Nothing is truly ever as it seems, yet everything acts in accordance to what you do. Therefore, extend your love to me!


Erm, Why Does Your Childhood Friend Have a Two-Year-Old and You Don’t Even Have Your Bachelors

Jersey? Hannah is going to OWN a house with a yard? And she is a manager at Super Cuts in Cherry Hill?


OP-ED: I Love Venn Diagrams

I love you and I don't know your stance on venn diagrams.


Such Activity! My Roommate Does a Mad Fit Dance Workout While I Lounge Wistfully on the Couch

For now, engaging in a Mad Fit Workout is merely an unattainable dream, one that I reach for, but never quite reach. 


Lin Reveal! Family Weekend Exposes if Parents Are Lame or Fuckable

Even if your parents don’t come, it’s still an exciting time — you already know that your roommate is rich, now it's time to see if they also have a hot dad.


Here Are 5 Places on Campus for Woeful English Majors to Brood in And/ Or Weep At

The closest I will ever come to that 10-dollar lox sandwich 


Performance Art! Watch Me Eat a Pret Salad in the Reading Room

I wish you could see me now, Moelis Family.


Lovesick? Heatsick? I’m Sick of You TAC-E Bitches

They'll try their hardest for a quirky play but settle for generic titles and promotions likeeee??


“He Is JP Morgan” and 7 Other Lies to Tell About What Your Dad Does

And look at that — you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?


OP-ED: Penn Period Project Needs to Up Their Inclusivity (The Free Tampons Were Too Petite for My Monstrous Heavy Flow)

Erm… as if there’s a “regular” type of period to have.


Hello, I Am Applying to Your DEI Committee as a White Person Who Calls My Asian Girlfriend Mi Amor

She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor.


I’m Just Trying to Figure Out What Sport You Play, Not Look at Your Boobs

Ponytailed or French braided? On foot or scooter? There is a myriad of sports she could play.


Stupid Girl at Berghain Doesn’t Understand Going to Penn Kind of a Big Deal Where I’m From

I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.


Sorry I Said Your Writing Was Horrendous, Worthless, Asinine, and Elementary, I Was Just Hungry

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!


Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?

Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project. 



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