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Faking Interest

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania.

My Uncle Tried to Make My Spring Break About Him by Announcing His (Benign) Brain Tumor

Yeah, I obviously feel bad, but seriously Uncle Chris…timing much?

Four Oscar Looks That Blew Me

This year changed the game.

OP-ED: Sorry I Took That $90k. It Went to a Better Cause.

As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight. 

Girl Scouts Cookies? Sorry, I Only Buy From For-Profit Entities

Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are!

Has This Generation Gone Too Soft? Not Me, Thanks to Himsᵀᴹ

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.

Antisemitism Does Not End Your Career, Bad Music Does: A Vultures Case Study

I’d rather listen to my dentist perform a root canal using some rusty drill

Open Letter to DP Editors: Who Cares? Spell Pharaoh.

‘you’re so hot! You’re the most professional girl in the world!’ 

Babe, Come Over! Let's Set Up My Blu-Ray Player and Watch Ramona and Beezus

Not a thing in the world compares to the love of two sisters.

Bugs are just Extra Protein: In Defense of 1920 Commons

If liking Commons is wrong, then I don’t want to be right

4 Essential Tips to Care for your Single Roommate Who Gets No Play

We at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play

Girls Gone Wild: The Hunt to Find a Little Begins!

As the hunt for a little begins (game on!), here are some fun activities to do with your new PC to help find your lins’ newest blonde babe

I Promise You in Two Years People Will Pay to Get My Girlfriend’s Roman Nose

When I see a button nose it makes me so ill that I just have to throw up in my mouth.

Mom's Pressed! I Snuck Our Dog, Nae-Nae, Into My Carry-on and Moved Her Into the Dorms

Mother, please. I know you’re upset but I hope you’ll understand.

Damn: Exchange Student in Class Not the Sexy Type of Foreign

She was eating boiled potatoes and some sort of dried fish. Gross. Damn. It was like 10:00am.

UTB's Ins and Outs for 2024

Number 4 Will Shock You