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Simon Oros


Articles

op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok


Breaking! I Was Held Hostage and Tortured Inside Five Guys this Entire Time

It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.


Fossil Free Tent People’s Newest Water Saving Demand: End Douching

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"


What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.


Gay Son or HSOC Daughter? Penn Students Answer.

Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?


Top Priority for Diversity and Inclusion Board: Defund PPD, Invest in Straight Grindr

Plans for development include neural networking image recognition that filters out users that look too homosexual, ensuring this app is a safe space for normal people.


No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You

Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.


Penn Offers New Option for Students Who Cannot Live at Home: Euthanasia

“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”


New Option for Stored Belongings: Incineration, $75 per Box

“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”


Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.


Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”


Breaking the Toilet: Lactose Intolerant Jessica Orders Another Whole Milk Latte

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.


OP-ED: Just Because I Got Cake Doesn't Mean I Shouldn't Be Allowed in Fisher

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.


OP-ED: Petition to Remove All Traffic Safety Signs in Front of DRL

I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low.


A Conversation With the Rando Your Mutual Friend Just Dropped on You

"So what do you study?" "Oh, I'm undecided." Does he just fucking hate me?


Campus Laundry Service Now Provides an Ass-wiping Subscription Package

"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."


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