“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”

“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.

I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low.

"So what do you study?" "Oh, I'm undecided." Does he just fucking hate me?

"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."