Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?

Plans for development include neural networking image recognition that filters out users that look too homosexual, ensuring this app is a safe space for normal people.

Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.

“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”

“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.

I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low.

"So what do you study?" "Oh, I'm undecided." Does he just fucking hate me?

"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."