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Simon Oros


Articles

Penn Offers New Option for Students Who Cannot Live at Home: Euthanasia

“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”


New Option for Stored Belongings: Incineration, $75 per Box

“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”


Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.


Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”


Breaking the Toilet: Lactose Intolerant Jessica Orders Another Whole Milk Latte

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.


OP-ED: Just Because I Got Cake Doesn't Mean I Shouldn't Be Allowed in Fisher

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.


OP-ED: Petition to Remove All Traffic Safety Signs in Front of DRL

I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low.


A Conversation With the Rando Your Mutual Friend Just Dropped on You

"So what do you study?" "Oh, I'm undecided." Does he just fucking hate me?


Campus Laundry Service Now Provides an Ass-wiping Subscription Package

"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."


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