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McCain Will Win! But Only If The Election Is Held In The Congo


UTB political correspondent and chief analyst of imaginary polls Julie Steinberg writes in to bring a much-needed international perspective to tomorrow's election.

Since 2001, it's become a fun tradition to see who Al Qaeda supports in our presidential election. John Kerry got their vote in 2004, and this year it was the Maverick who got their turbans in a twist. And while non-state actors are undoubtedly an important reflection of popular opinion, we were wondering what it would be like if the entire world voted in this election.

Suffice it to say we were delighted to find this handy Global Electoral College map from The Economist, which thoughtfully conducted a survey of citizens of 195 countries on our behalf. The results were overwhelming: 52,000 votes poured in, with 44,000 supporting Obama. Translated into electoral-collegespeak (we don't get it either), Obama got 9,115 delegates, compared with 203 for McCain.

Early weeks of voting indicated some interesting new friends for McCain: Cuba, El Salvador, Iraq, Congo, Sudan and Andorra*. What a fun new Axis of Evil! Just picture it:

Sudan: Cuba, dear, please pass the lemon. Genocide tastes so much better with a sprinkling of citrus-y flavor. Andorra: Is this the annual Tax Cuts of America Association gala?

By the end of November 1st, however, only four countries voted red. All of the democratic nations rooted for blue, and a surprising tandem of Uzbekistan and Kyrgyzstan represented with 100% of the votes for Obama.

So, what can we learn from this? Terrorists and non-terrorists both like Obama. Democrats and authoritarian thugs alike think he's just swell. Oh, to be on the right side of history. Stay tuned for more electoral opinions in our next installment: "Endorsements from the Grave: Stalin Finds Obama Almost as Handsome as Mao."

*We're not entirely sure this country exists.