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Yes, Kenneth, Spongebob IS Supposed To Be Terrifying

Possibly the truest statement to ever be made in the history of mankind was uttered by 30 Rock's Kenneth this past Thursday. For those of you who don't watch the show–-well, first of all, shame on you. But to fill you in on the background (and all you heroes who do watch can skip to the next paragraph), Kenneth is the over-eager, over-earnest, loveably hick-ish page working for NBC Studios. And he is (unintentionally) a genius. This week, he got to watch cable for the first time in his life.

Here's the clip, from around 18 minutes into the episode:

"Is Spongebob Squarepants supposed to be terrifying?" My immediate reaction to this gem was to make it my status on gchat, facebook, BBM, and basically every other gadget that has tricked me into thinking that the rest of the world actually cares what I'm doing. But my obsession with this line didn't stop there. After giving the concept inordinate amounts of thought over the weekend, I've decided that Spongebob is, in fact, supposed to be terrifying.

Let's look at the facts:

1. Spongebob lives in a giant pineapple at the bottom of the ocean. Now, I know we don't know that much about those unfathomable depths, but the idea of there being huge, inhabitable pineapples floatin' around down there chills me to my very core. Pineapples belong on land. Preferably in trees. Or in smoothies.

2. Squirrels, like pineapples, should also be land-based. And yet Spongebob's quasi-girlfriend slash possible-occasional-booty-call Sandy is a squirrel. Who wears a space suit. Shudder.

3. Spongebob's arch nemesis is a tiny evil genius named Plankton. When we did our marine biology unit in fifth grade, I remember being profoundly disturbed by the idea of single-celled animals just waiting to be lunch for some whale. I personally pictured teeny tiny snails. Giving plankton a thirst for revenge, and the diabolical brain necessary to carry it out? I'm going to need to start sleeping with a light on.

4. His laugh.

5. He seems perfectly fulfilled in his career flipping burgers at the Krusty Krab. As a soon-to-be second semester senior, I find this particularly haunting. And why are so many sea-creatures willing to eat at a fast-food joint that has the word Krusty in the name? Ick.

6. His pet snail actually meows. It meows!

7. His last name is a description of his outfit. I never, ever, ever want to be referred to as "Jess Uggs-Scarf-Too-Many-Bracelets." Ever. (Please don't start calling me that. Kthx.)

8. The theme song. Seriously. Who thought that this would be appropriate for kids? The chorus of young voices that screams Spongebob's name in response to every question posed by that demented pirate has either been totally bewitched by said pirate, or is recently undead. Zombie children have no place on a Nicktoon.

So thank you, 30 Rock, for honing in on life's greatest truism. It's about time word got out.