Dispatch From The Grammys: "Show Me Whatchyou Got, Stevie" And Other Epic Fails
February 9, 2009 at 10:44 am
Street music editors Ben Rosen and Charlotte Borgen deserve a round of applause for watching the Grammys last night. (Yes, they're still called the Grammys, like gramophone. C'mon, Steve Jobs, that's definitely a missed branding opportunity: iPoddies? MP3ies? Get on it.) What follows is an account of the musical blasphemy they witnessed.
We braved 3 1/2 hours of Katy Perry in a Fruit Dress, John Mayer getting respect from BB King, and Coldplay's Roy G. Biv inspired wardrobe just to find out that the Grammys are even more out of touch than we could have guessed. In case you missed it, which we hope you did, we've decided to hand out awards more relevant and just as meaningless as the Grammys themselves.
Best Public Display of Affection: Morgan Freeman and Kenny Chesney
Morgan Freeman introduced Kenny as "a poet, a pirate, a dreamer" and his best friend, leaving us wondering what kinds of things they pillage on play dates.
Best Display of "Caring About Shit": Kid Rock
Photographs of homeless African children and confessional displays of your mug shot in concert are the ultimate proof that you may be partnering with a charitable organization in the future, and that if it helps you make a comeback, then so be it, but it is so totally not the point.
Most Swagger: Kanye West TI Lil Wayne Jay-Z Neil Diamond
Diamond came out of nowhere to perform "Sweet Caroline" with the kind of cockiness you would expect from a man called The Jewish Elvis.
Most Developed Fetus: MIA's unborn child
The fact that the baby didn't just fall out of her while she was dancing was more surprising than her polka-dotted bikini dress.
Most Devastating Moment (not limited to the Grammys): Jonas Brothers and Stevie Wonder performing together.
Said Nick Jonas, "Show me whatchyou got Stevie."
Most Random Presenter Pairing: Jay Mohr & LL Cool J
The biggest discrepancy in coolness during the show until Lil Wayne performed with Robin Thicke.
Best Crush on Obama: Grammy President/CEO Neil Portnow
We lost count of the "Yes We Can"s in his speech somewhere around 18.
Best Job Convincing Us You're Still Relevant: The British
Between Robert Plant winning every single award and Estelle killing it with "American Boy," British artists bought themselves another year or two of us paying them attention.
Most Creepy: Paul McCartney
Maybe at age 66 it's time to retire lyrics about how "she was seventeen."
Best: Lil Wayne
The only problem with Weezy's Grammy performance was that there wasn't enough of it.