Dear Saxby's, We Regret To Inform You That You Suck

When Saxby's set up shop last semester, we tried to be open-minded. But we will suffer silently no more -- yesterday an unnamed caffeine addict mailed out a letter of complaint addressed to Saxby's, and she has generously allowed UTB to reprint said letter below.

Dear Saxby's,

Hello. I am the girl who orders large ice coffees or lattes at your establishment about four times a week. I sit down and study in your restaurant, and I commend you for the services you provide.

Nevertheless, I feel it is my duty as a coffee connoisseur to draw your attention to a few of the challenges I face when I enter Saxby's, which prohibit me from patronizing you more frequently and increase the likelihood of my taking my business elsewhere (the worldwide conglomerate Starbucks and the new neighborhood gem Cream and Sugar being just a few of my myriad options).

A. I believe your employees should better familiarize themselves with the breeds of coffee you serve. I often encounter inept coffee servers, who accidentally prepare the wrong drink. This is simply unacceptable. I have seen Starbucks employees practicing new drinks on each other — perhaps you should follow suit if you want to keep up with competition.

B. The heat at Saxby's is unbearable. Perhaps it is the floodlights; I suggest looking into different modes of lighting so that my Saxby's experience is much more satisfactory.

C. You play annoying music, and you play it loudly. Let's face it: Most of your clients are Penn students. Why don't you play music more concurrent with their tastes? And why don't you play it softly so they can concentrate on their Physics or Chinese homework? It's a busy world for these students, and it is your job as service-providers to be as sensitive to their needs as possible.

D. The cereal situation at Saxby's is horrendous. I get it that you have a monopoly on cereal now that Cereality has closed, but the torture you inflict on poor young adults with your meager portions borders on cruelty. Pouring cereal into a small ice coffee cup just doesn't cut it, Saxby's. The regular size, not to mention the large size at Buck's, was fit for a king. And the fruit toppings were plentiful, whereas yours barely exist. I can say from personal experience that I almost fainted when I received my first cereal order at Saxby's. I was sure you were kidding around with me, but alas you were not.

Saxby's, I really want to make things work with you. Your coffee, when properly served, is delicious, and your atmosphere has the potential to generate a creative buzz within me as I write my essays and newspaper articles. I love your great selection of fruit and snacks, some of which are Kosher (another great perk). But until you address my concerns, I will continue to pick up my morning cup o' joe at Starbucks (as opposed to my old tradition of mornings at Bucks).

I hope you take my advice to heart and I wish you the best of luck in furture endeavors.

Best, Sleepless in Starbucks