Carlin Pledges Allegiance To The Senior Class
April 2, 2009 at 12:13 pm
This week, I was bitch slapped –- twice. On Tuesday, my responsible housemate sent out an email reminding friends that it was the last day the seniors could use bursar…forever. I am scared of people-money, especially since I’m hardcore humanities and can thus expect to make said people-money never. This yielded a $200 stress splurge as I stocked up on Penn gear after four years of not purchasing any from the institution: a Not Penn State t-shirt, hats plural, a sweatshirt, and mesh gym shorts that make me look I borrow clothes from my nonexistent boyfriend. Seriously, the one hat I had, I jacked from my little sister who wore it at camp for like a day to brag about me before she remembered who the fuck I was. And it was too small.
The second bitch slap came from pledging. That kind of sounds appropriate, especially with this being Greek Week, but this was the obligatory I-Won’t-Haze-the-Cane-Wielders-Who-Are-Asking-For-It-Anyway pledge. I mean, isn’t that why we participate in Hey Day? Last year, after I ran into my father on the street completely blacked out (his secretary told me later. He wouldn’t speak to me because I apparently boomeranged and crashed his lunch meeting), I was lucid enough after grabbing a pretzel to insist on walking on the outside so that I could be doused in syrup, mustard, ketchup, and something blue that is still wedged in my converse, almost one year later. But clearly I signed the thing because it means I get to go to a party.
And just like that, I can’t stop thinking of new, outside the box ways to haze the drunk and confused. Here’s a few options:
- Ask -– politely -– for the drunkest looking junior to bursar you some Houston sushi just one last time -– then lead them to the Computer Store and get yourself iPod and a new digital camera. Make sure to take a picture.
- Lead an environmental protest regarding the amount of Styrofoam left in the grass from too much biting.
- Find a drunk hot one. Tell him or her it’s your birthday. They are now required to make out with you. That's the birthday rule.
- Pay off the DJ at the barbecue to loop Holla Back Girl for three hours.
- Pregame harder than they did. Come walk time, you got food poisoning from your bursared sush.
Seniors, remember you have until this Friday to pledge. Don’t you wanna party?