Your Late-August 2010 Alumni Report

With the toil of fall semester looming on the horizon, it always helps to see some totally boss Penn alums have their backbreaking labor blossom into succulent fruit. For one (professor Marjorie Margolies), this meant seeing her son married off to Chelsea Clinton. For another (hedge fund guru Bryce Markus), it meant buying Lloyd Blankfein's house. For yet one more ('04 comedian Whitney Cummings), it meant doing a routine on Comedy Central about getting spanked. There's a light at the end of the tunnel!

Learn this, downtrodden student masses: work hard for womens rights, run for congress, be a pioneer for adoption, and maybe your son will marry someone famous, thus making you famous by proxy. Alternately, try having the connections and Penn smarts necessary to earn enough money to buy your former bosses house. If that doesn't do it for you, poke enough fun at celebrities in public to get some bigwig at a cable channel to give you your own show. Once you're recognized for doing something noteworthy, you'll look back on all the sleepless nights of paper writing to say "By God, it was worth it"