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Race To The UA Fall 2K14: The Punpocalypse

Ah, can you smell it in the air? No, not the densely packed, sleepless CS geeks over at PennApps. We're talking freshman class board election. It's here! And with it comes a swarm of poorly Photoshopped campaign posters, cringeworthy campaign puns, and the perennial chirp of attention-seeking freshmen. So, as we've done in semesters past, lets take a critical look at this fall's campaign harvest, shall we?

Giancarlo Bracero

  • has a cool name +19
  • decent pun +46
  • indecent premise -46
  • failing to give BF a proper lapdance -1,000
  • thinking red-yellow color scheme was a good idea -80

Total: -1,061

Michael Chang

  • an inspiring 6 feet off the ground +6
  • pro-marijuana campaign platform +420
  • ellipsis for dramatic effect... +1,000,000
  • apparently not running for anything, just wanted to show us this pic +77
  • ultimately failed to get attention of the man walking past, and us -8,000,000
  • having a campaign vid filmed in portrait mode -103

Total: -6,999,600

Mitchell Chan

  • wearing a scarf indoors -18,000
  • simple, elegant, and extremely sophisticated font choice +20,764
  • six Penn crests for six times the leadership 6x score multiplier
  • actually providing the voting time and link +2,222
  • underlying creepy professor vibe -4,986

Total: 0

Dylan Adelman

  • wtf is he even implying? -1,000,000
  • hands actually look eerily clean -8,000
  • not afraid to get his stark white pants dirty either +10
  • inspirations include: Brooks Brothers catalogs, bronze statues +1,749

Total: -1,006,241

Reece Something

  • that's not how ballots work -8,000,000
  • trying this hard -5,404
  • not wasting our time with useless information, like his last name +45
  • doesn't love America enough to print in color -1,776
  • wait, he's running for president? lmao -1,000

Total: -8,008,135


  • Nursing school apparently not worthy of his collection -1,000
  • went wild in the bookstore and proud of it +8,000
  • being an Edward Snowden lookalike -18
  • taking advantage of the US's colors +1
  • provides zero information about his campaign; Is he even a Penn student? -9,999,999

Total: -9,993,054

Jack Cahn and David Cahn

  • What will they do for the Penn community, you ask? They're twins! +22
  • getting two for the price of two +2
  • going with the safest pun +0
  • already being infamous for flubbing a high school election; see this four page NYmag article - ?

Total: - ?

Noah Falk and Jeremy Falk

  • couldn't decide on a pun so just went with all of them -14,300
  • deciding that "Falk" and "Fault" are interchangeable -50
  • two of the same thing 2x score multiplier
  • but seriously, another pair of twins? -1000 for all four of them

Total: -32,700 

Vadim Ordovsky-Tanaevsky

  • talking with your hands for a better tomorrow +10
  • sneaking in an ice bucket challenge with no mention of ALS -32
  • being totally cool about scrubbing our backs in the shower -50
  • kid with the vacuum +18

Total: -64

Michael Hammond

  • doesn't know the difference between "candidates" and "contestants" -29
  • refers to volunteers that helped with his video as "horses" -1,914
  • in possession of a pen, and therefore puts the "pen" in "UPenn" -15
  • tagged the vid under the YouTube's "Comedy" category -600
  • "Miami Life?" -305

Total: -2,558

Well, there you have it. These are some of the upstanding people that want to represent you in student government. Posters, pages, and videos not enough? You can meet them live at Sunday night's (THAT'S TONIGHT) Midnight Breakfast in Houston. Here's to hoping we won't have another FPC snafu like last semester, but in case we do, you know where to find the coverage ;). Click below to vote between September 15th and 19th.