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New Republic Tries To Play The Undercover Penn Social Life Exposé Game

And it's a horribly reported, un-groundbreaking generalization. 

Oy vey, Penn, we've got another pseudo-reporter loose in our nightlife, and this one's maybe the worst yet? Nah, nothing can beat "She Can Play That Game, Too" a.k.a. Taylorgate, in all its slut-shaming, front page NYT glory...but The New Republic's "investigation" into Penn's status as a top party school is just all around bad.

So, "journalist" Alice Robb went "undercover" for an "article" questioning our two month-old ranking as Playboy's top party school – an achievement we questioned more than anyone else. Still, it was somehow teemed worthy of a Captain Obvious TIME op-ed...and now this nonsense.

It opens with a declaration that everyone is insecure about our status as a second-tier Ivy, citing the "Not Penn State" t-shirts that only were ever worn by elitist douchebags. Then we've got a journalistically unethical assertion that our social life is dead just because some frat got shut down by the cops. Again, none of us ever thought we got more shmacked on the weekends than state schools.

What's next?! A requisite perpetuation of the Wharton pre-professionalism stereotype, with an off-the-record source saying, "It's looked down on not to go into finance or consulting." This anonymous wannabe Wolf of Wall Street definitely speaks for all of us proud English majors.

But, wait...there's more! A dick from Theos or Castle tells Robb he pledged with kids of "comparable upbringings," so his frat has "a high concentration of kids of the same caliber––New York kids, L.A. kids, international kids." While this student may be the worst parts of Penn embodied, there is no comprehensive reportage here to confirm him to be an accurate representation of 10,000 undergrads.

Thanks for spending one Halloweekend here, chatting with zero sources on the record and deeming us the most insecure Ivy...we'd say we care, but it's almost Friday night, and we're ready to hit up our non-#1 parties. And scene.