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The Anti-Flinger's Guide To Fling, Vol. 2

It's been 2 years since we first introduced you to the Scrooge of Fling: the man who avoids the bottle like it's his 9am recitation, the woman who eschews DJs because they "miss the days when music was all made on real instruments." So how to cope? Our advice, below, on being an Anti-Flinger at Fling:

1) On Thursday Night, Pretend You're Gluten-Free

"Sorry," you'll say. "I can't consume grains. So I'm just going to hold this Solo Cup with filtered water, if that's cool by you all."

2) On Friday, Pretend You're Nocturnal

Everyone will be out. But you? Take an Ambien (or 4*) at 9am, and sleep the day away.

3) Grocery Shop Darty at Frogro

Breeze through self-checkout in the shortest lines ever. Hell, treat yoself and get checked out by a  FroGro employee. Just avoid the aisle with ping pong balls.

4) Cruise

Become an Uber driver. Shuttle kids from the Quad back to Hill. Make bank.

5) Facebook Freakout

Comment on your friends' Fling pics from last year. Promptly delete them as friends. When they confront you, play dumb.

6) Bank Heist

Go to Commons and use PennCash. Ask for change in quarters. 

*UTB does not condone consumption of medicine without a prescription or doctor's approval.