100 Reasons Why This Week SUCKS
December 2, 2015 at 10:01 am
This week SUCKS, man. It really does. The suckiness is pervasive. Thanksgiving was a tease. Finals are finals. If that wasn't enough, we thought of 98 more reasons because this week just really, really sucks.
1. It's raining.
2. There could be a huge earthquake at any time that would destroy huge swaths of the Pacific Northwest.
3. It’s not yet finals which means that we just get to stress the fuck out about finals until it's actually finals.
5. honeygrow is SO crowded.
6. There is profoundly distressing inequality in our world.
7. The Magic Carpet cookie today sucks.
8. There’s a scary Christmas movie coming out on Friday called Krampus that looks depressing and frightening.
9. Buying gifts for other people is EXPENSIVE.
10. This week you have to face up to the fact that the guy/gal you like just isn't going to ask you to his/her formal.
11. It's really dark.
12. And the solstice isn't for another three weeks.
13. You’ll probably gain between 3 and 10 pounds over the course of the next month.
14. There are only four white rhinos left on the entire planet.
15. Black Friday/Cyber Monday have only served to remind us of the crippling materialism that ravages American society.
16. Giving Tuesday did not reverse #15. It seemed pretty made up tbh...
17. Your skin is pale and ashy and probably blotchy.
18. Van Pelt bathrooms are terrible and you will pee in them many times this week.
19. You should have gone to office hours this semester.
20. You should have gone to office hours in college, period.
21. After you graduate, everyone who has come to mean something to you over the course of four years will disperse all over the world (or all over Manhattan). And if you’re a senior you’re currently in your last months of being surrounded by the Penn family that you’ve so painstakingly built.
22. Pasta has a shit ton of calories.
23. Sometimes coffee is too hot.
24. Sometimes you don't put the coffee lid on all the way and then you spill a little bit of coffee on your hands and it's hot so it hurts and then you just have to lick it and try to move on.
25. Saxbys is SO crowded.
26. New Saxbys isn't BYO.
27. If you utilize study drugs to make it through finals you’ll probably do better on your exams, but at what moral cost?
28. The sucky $8 umbrella you bought from CVS just makes you more wet.
29. Tissues are expensive but the paper towels you steal from the bathroom are starting to irritate your nose.
30. Wasps (the insects) aren’t really around this time of year, but they’ll be back eventually.
31. It's so dark.
32. You just want to get into the holiday spirit (drink and be merry) but then you realize ain’t nobody got time for that.
33. At the same time you're already sick of Christmas music.
34. You have to eat Penn Dining food after stuffing your face with real/delicious/not rotten/not possibly rodent-infested food over break.
35. The Night Before (Seth Rogan’s new holiday movie) got bad reviews.
36. But you can’t form your own opinion because there’s no time to go see it; will probably end up seeing it with your entire family. It will be uncomfortable.
37. There is actually not a lot of peace on earth and goodwill towards man.
38. All your clothes are drenched.
39. Sucky week? More like WEAK.
40. The only thing you’re capable of wearing for long periods of time are sweatpants.
41. Apparently rain isn't a good enough reason to cancel class.
42. But it's too warm for snow, which would be so much more pleasant to walk in.
43. Your Facebook newsfeed is full of people attending fake events.
44. What's a real Facebook event, though? We live in our computer screens. We've lost all connection to reality.
45. Profs are telling you to start writing your final papers, but you still have not-final papers due this week.
46. It’s 2015 and they still haven’t figured out how to teleport.
47. You keep remembering Thanksgiving and the taste/smell/essence of gravy washes over you in your VP carrel.
48. You have to brush your teeth but you're already in bed. Ugh.
49. You have to go to class but you're in bed. Ugh.
50. Doritos still aren't considered part of a balanced breakfast.
51. Your Thanksgiving hookup bailed on you so you have to wait until winter break for the D.
52. Broad City doesn’t premiere until February.
53. The Ivy League snap story is back and worse than ever.
54. But also you still haven't gotten on it despite your genius snaps.
55. You have yet to get 100+ likes on an Insta.
56. And the garish, garish Locust Balls won't get you there.
57. You want to start a social movement to bring back the white balls but, as we've covered, you're just too busy this week.
58. Your roommate has had a cough for a month now.
59. It’s socially unacceptable to ask your friends to get froyo this time of year. So you just go alone.
60. Donald Trump is still running for President.
61. Van Pelt still feels like it has the AC running.
62. The Tab exists.
63. There won’t be another super blood moon until 2033.
64. You just found out WilCaf is closed during reading days.
65. You have to pay a full month’s rent despite the fact you’re going home half-way through.
67. It really seems like the Puerto Rican debt crisis has no end in sight.
68. All the food you left in your fridge went bad over break.
69. Hannukah doesn't start until Sunday and you could really use a Festival of Lights right about now.
70. Static. So much static.
71. After seven hours in VP you bought sushi from Mark's Cafe.
72. Your umbrella flipped inside out in the wind.
73. And then it flipped inside out again.
74. Wine is EXPENSIVE.
75. And so is therapy.
76. Your advent calendar doesn’t get cool until at least day fifteen.
77. You just want to watch ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas but you don’t have a TV in your dorm.
78. You have no money left because you bought a ton of unnecessary stuff over the break, and you are just left feeling like just another pawn in this sad throwaway consumer culture in which we live. And on top of it the shoes you ordered came in and look nothing like the picture, so now you’re a pawn without any cute winter boots to wear.
79. You’re transcribing interviews for a final story for your journalism class and this bitch won’t stop saying “like.”
80. We still won’t know the Fling lineup for a good 4 months.
81. Which means Fling is still a good 5 months away.
82. You’re still bummed that Adele’s falsetto didn’t sound too great on SNL.
83. Which reminds you A-Gut still hasn’t been asked to host.
84. Guys got so much credit for doing No Shave November but when a girl does it, she’s shamed, so you’re just really over the binary at this point.
85. There’s still no “fingers crossed” emoji.
86. You messaged a match on Tinder only to realize he had unmatched you within 5 minutes of matching with you.
87. Are you still with us? Honestly? Good for you. We're not sure if we're even with us at this point.
88. Your hallcest romance ended.
89. And your hallcest Friends With Benefits ended.
90. You've started eating meals at Starbucks.
91. It's not May.
92. The most exciting social event you have to look forward to is a study break in a high-rise lounge.
93. You’re wearing used underwear inside out cause you haven’t done laundry and probably won't any time soon.
94. You walk by “The Rhythm Room” on the back side of the Rave every day. And you just WONDER.
95. It's SO dark.
96. The bag check at VP is starting to feel like a daily reminder of your own life's arbitrariness.
97. Freshmen are looking for banking internships.
98. Sophomores are looking for banking internships.
99. Juniors are looking for banking internships.