Non-Humans Of Penn Vol. VI: Old Caitlyn Jenner Ticket

"I've seen a lot in my short lifespan. For a while, I was in demand. Sure I was one of about 1,300 clones, but still, the girl who snatched me up eagerly from the pile told me she had waited in line all morning for me, and hey, that makes a gender-non-conforming-self-aware-object feel pretty dang special! I was even in the Ivy League Snapchat story! (I have no idea what that means, but a lot of squealing was involved.)

But here's the thing: the wheel of fortune is ever-spinning. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. Look at me now: dirty, wounded, forgotten in your coat pocket. My life has lost all meaning and purpose. While my online brethren live on in iPhone screenshots, my peers (lint, a pencil, a used tissue) whisper about how quickly I let myself go. I lived my 15 minutes seconds of Snapchat fame, and now I'm just praying for a proper burial in the 'mixed paper' section of a recycling bin."