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Freshman Loses Virginity, Isn't All That Impressed

On Friday, freshman Lucas Weiner (C'20) lost his virginity in his 8x8' residence in the Lower Quad. While many consider this to be a crowning achievement, Weiner wasn't all that impressed.

"I'd been talking to the girl since the second night of NSO," Weiner said in a Sunday morning interview. "It started with a simple slide into her DMs, followed by a series of dank memes. Then after the BYO last night, things came to a head," he continued. The BYO in question was at Plantain Leaf, an affordable Malaysian BYO spot, located underneath the Schuylkill Expressway in South Philadelphia. 

Weiner went on to explain how he felt during Friday night's encounter. "Overall, I just don't think that I was all that blown away by it. It really didn't live up to the hype." He continued saying, "To be honest, I was just kind of made uncomfortable by the whole thing; I was on board until the handcuffs came out." When asked how he felt afterwords, Weiner replied, "Tired. Tired and kind of hungry. Also sweaty." 

Weiner declined to identify his sexual partner citing not wanting to "make things weird". Secondhand sources confirm that Weiner's partner has expressed that she had "not been fucked like that in a long time".