Malia Obama Orders Quesarito, Chipotle Covers It Up
September 4, 2016 at 6:09 pm
It's no secret that both Obama daughters are currently on Penn's campus, attending brunches and getting rejected from Phi parties. What is a secret, however, is Malia's visit to our Chipotle earlier today. We went to Chipotle to ask the question on everybody's mind, what did Malia Obama order? The answer will SHOCK you.
Initially, I interviewed the cashier. She hadn't worked during the visit, but she did hear about it. After asking to speak to someone who was working earlier today, a man, who appeared to be the manager, stepped forward.
When asked about the visit, he replied that he "can't talk about that". He would not confirm or deny that he signed a non-disclosure agreement and tried to flat-out deny that Malia Obama ever visited the burrito joint (contradicting confirmation from multiple sources and a photograph).
On the surface, Malia's visit seems ordinary and rather familiar. It is not uncommon to find oneself in Chipotle after a long night. Which begs the question, why is Chipotle being so secretive about Malia's order? There's only one possible explanation: The Quesarito.
The Quesarito is a secret menu item that entails wrapping a burrito in a quesadilla. It takes FOREVER to make and is only ordered by those who have no consideration for the people lining up out of Chipotle's door to get their fix.
Perhaps the secrecy behind Malia's visit is to cover up an order that is so socially inefficient that it would be damaging to the Obama legacy. If this is the case, we implore Chipotle whistleblowers to come forward and email tips to email@example.com.