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Bio Pond Turtles Stink Because They Have Mono

For four days now, many on this campus have been searching their souls for the answer to what is clearly emerging as the moral dilemma of our time: do we or do we not euthanize the bio pond turtles?

Yes, the invasive species, the red slider turtle, has eclipsed the original, much cuter and more precious turtle type that the bio pond was supposed to conserve: the painted turtle.

Yes, these red-sliders create a “stinky odor” because they mess with the nutrient load of the pond.

But, if we’re really being honest with ourselves, who among us has not also released a “stinky odor” from time to time, much less during a period of sickness?

After some investigation, UTB uncovered a shocking, pungent truth: the red-slider turtles are odorous because they are in fact, infected with mono. Like many of us, these red-sliders have caught the virus after DFMO-ing at a late-night. We spoke to one turtle who said that he noticed something was wrong the morning after he kissed a Koi under some algae. He started sneezing and wheezing, building up a load of mucus in his shell that he physically could not eject.

We empathize with the experiences of these red-sliders and have recommended that they attempt our tried-and-tested mono solutions. Being as it is Mono Week, UTB would like to solemnly declare that we #StandWithMonoTurtles.