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Think Cyber Monday Is Safer Than Black Friday? Think Again.

Happy Cyber Monday! A day where you may think you have outsmarted the American hyper-capitalist system by avoiding the mile-long lines and mobs on Black Friday in favor of an e-commerce experience. Perhaps you thought you made the safer choice by shopping online, but you're likely wrong. As the day comes to a close, you're lucky if you emerged unscathed. Here are some very reasonable ways Cyber Monday could (and may) have hurt you or your loved ones.

  1. Computer Vision Syndrome
  2. Russian hacker breached your accounts and ruined your finances forever
  3. Burned your tongue on hot chocolate while browsing
  4. Hit by a car while crossing the street because you were engrossed by the sales on your phone
  5. UTI due to your refusal to go pee in fear of missing a sale
  6. Having a laptop over your testicles for hours while using Wi-Fi reduced your sperm count (it's possible)
  7. Dropped the iPad on your face while shopping in bed, breaking your nose
  8. Lost all your friends due to your obsessive shopping disorder. You traded them for a new pair of sneakers—an offer you couldn’t refuse.
  9. Carpal tunnel
  10. You gasped at the discounts and inhaled a small but deadly fruit fly, which tasted nothing like fruit
  11. Broken ego due to anonymous cyberbullies
  12. Fractured your right hand when you slammed it against the table in excitement over a ~fancy~ sock sale
  13. Fractured your left hand when you slammed it against the table after realizing the sale only applies to wool socks for babies
  14. While crying because you’re sad about the socks and your hands hurt, you missed the email that the special collection boots you envisioned yourself wearing everyday this winter are back in stock. You check the site and all the boots are gone and are no longer being made. You shatter the laptop screen with your already fractured right hand and have to get 10 stitches.
  15. Virus
  16. Bad posture (not that is wasn’t fucked up already)
  17. Bra strap snaps and whips you in the boobs
  18. Murderer breaks into your house and stabs you in the chest with a pair of shoes you bought last Cyber Monday. Turns out you bought the last pair and the murderer needed the shoes to wear to her grandmother’s 100th birthday party. She is acquitted in a court of law.
  19. Permanent dent in your seat cushion
  20. 14/15 on participation for class because the TA caught you online shopping
  21. Sprained finger while frantically typing your (parents') credit card number
  22. Your Samsung phone battery explodes