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Gutmann Prepares to Take Final Form After Rebuking Trump

Credit: Avalon Morell

Earlier this evening, President Amy Gutmann delivered a powerful speech decrying Trump's immigration executive order, marking the first time that Gutmann has taken a strong stance on anything. Immediately after the speech, Gutmann was seen beginning to pulsate with unspeakable power.

"She just kinda started to glow," says passerby Cindy Jenkins (C'17). She continued, saying, "The speech was relatively fire, but I became worried when I thought that Amy might actually be on fire." Gutmann's glowing reportedly became more and more intense as her powers continued to grow. According to some preliminary reports, a few Vagelos students even looked up from their work to see what was going on.

UTB tried to speak to Gutmann regarding the speech, as well as her physical transformation that, at the time of press, extends beyond the realm of human perception. Gutmann's reply was brief. "I have finally found the power to speak on real issues," she bellowed, several octaves below her normal speaking tone while lightning sparked from her fingertips. "My powers have now transcended the 11th dimension of spacetime and I am able to use them to do far more than fundraise. I possess the ability to speak on social change, mere mortals." Gutmann then shot several thousand feet into the air, placing herself in the electrical storm that had been brewing directly above.

It appears that although the speech had endowed Gutmann with a great deal of power, it was toned down from its original form.  A spokesperson from Gutmann's office spoke to UTB on the phone, stating that a specific passage promising that the POTUS would be "catching these hands"  was removed from the final version. Gutmann's office feared that reciting this specific passage may have caused Gutmann to evolve into her final form midway through the speech.

When UTB asked directly whether or not the university would take a stance that would officially and categorically distance itself from Trump's policies, the phone disintegrated into ash, continuing the University's usual approach to such issues.