Betsy DeVos Mistakes Penn for Penn State, Promises to Defund

Only a few hours after being confirmed as the new education secretary, Donald Trump’s millionaire nominee, Betsy DeVos, has already begun to lay down the law—and Penn and its self-esteem are paying the price.

DeVos, a board member of Children First America and the American Education Reform Council as well as a school privatization activist, is lobbying for education reform that enables all students to reach their “God-given potential”. This has troubling implications for the University of Pennsylvania, which DeVos has mistaken for state school Penn State. She told reporters that Penn will be “the first to go” in terms of funding. “We must take the funding out of these state schools, even those like Penn which have fantastic football teams. Our tax dollars are funding Natty and burgers for tailgates, depriving our sons and daughters of an education free from government interference.”

Students are offended that, yet again, their reputation is being ruined. The President of Penn’s chapter of the Ivy League National Prestige Committee expressed his frustration with the announcement. “We are an Ivy League institution,” he said. “I pay tens of thousands more for this label. It’s not fair that Betsy DeVos can take that away from me. Our football team isn't even that good.”

UTB also talked to President and Penn alum Donald Trump about the announcement. Trump said that DeVos told him all about her plans to defund his alma mater. “I knew she would do this, but I call my own shots and I can’t go back on them. I think she is going to be a fantastic education secretary, one of the best we've ever had.” He went on to say that Penn is nowhere near as good as Cornell, which is something that we at UTB have also had to come to terms with.

Penn may not be good at football. It may not even be the best Ivy. But we have Ben Franklin, Frontera, and an earth-shattering tuition fee. We deserve recognition and flattery, dammit.