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Sophomore Only Scores Internship at Apple, Decides to Lifeguard Instead


There are some things worse than death. 

As the summer approaches, Justin Beckman (C'19) has been working towards a dream internship that will jump-start his career and make him the envy of Rodin's 12th floor. "I really want to work at a prestigious firm, preferably in tech, that will help me gain experience and get my foot in the door for a job coming into senior year," says Beckman. He'd been applying to internships for months and finally received some news.

Monday morning, Beckman received a phone call from Apple's human resources department, congratulating him and offering him a position at their office in Cupertino, California. Beckman was beyond consolation. "When I got that call, my heart just sank to my shoes," he explained. "I felt dizzy and had to sit for several minutes."

According to his friends, the sophomore was a mere shell of his usual, animated self. He was barely capable of speech and seemed to drift from reality. He began speaking in tongues and watched an entire season of Black Mirror on his iPhone while in the shower, perplexing his roommates while also putting to rest rumors about his poor hygiene. After he broke free from his stupor, he told us, "I just couldn't believe it. I only got an internship at Apple. How could this have happened?"

After several more hours of deliberation, Beckman decided to turn down the offer in favor of lifeguarding at his local public pool. "I think I'm just going to go home for the summer. The pay is alright and I'll get to see my friends from high school," he explained. "Apple just isn't worth it."

It seems that the search for summer internships has claimed yet another victim, in a war that shall never be won.