Bathroom Review: John M. Huntsman Hall
October 25, 2017 at 4:23 am
Salutations, my dear readers, and welcome to the fifth installation in my Bathroom Review Series. Today, I am but an adventurer embarking on a journey through a place as nice as Warren Buffett and as meticulously maintained as Donatella Versace’s face: a bathroom in our beloved John M. Huntsman Hall.
Warm, dim lighting inspired by the lobby of the New York Stock Exchange illuminates the bathroom and complements the bright but cold people inside it. Softly playing from the speakers is one of a rotation of six finance audiobooks and one recruiting tape from Morgan Stanley, read by professor Adam Grant. The room was scented with a signature air freshener, with the fragrance of that classic combination of crisp money and cocaine. (Until I stank the joint up with my excrement.)
Overall, a well-crafted ambience. 10 points.
The Statue of Vikram Pandit
The one thing every bathroom needs, but almost none have, is a statue of Vikram Pandit, the former CEO of Citigroup. In this Huntsman Hall bathroom, the Vikram Pandit statue has eyes that follow you as you move, and a mouth with a built-in speaker that says phrases like “Wall Street did nothing wrong,” “trust the free market,” and “I made deviled eggs today; please bring them to your niece.”
It’s quite an attractive statue. 5 points.
The Bald Guy Who Lives Under the Sink
The Bald Guy Who Lives Under the Sink knows you from a past life, and won’t hesitate to bite your leg to assert his dominance. He barks like a dog every hour until you feed him a pebble from your childhood driveway. No one knows when the Bald Guy Who Lives Under the Sink first started living under the sink, but what we do know is that he is immortal and will destroy the earth one day.
A little off-putting, honestly. -2 points.
People wonder why Wharton is such a popular business school, and this right here is the reason. Apart from the Vikram Pandit statue and the Bald Guy Who Lives Under the Sink, using this bathroom just one time diversified my investment portfolio and raised my net worth 169%. However, that is only barely enough to feed my family, due to my intense gambling addiction.