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Close Call! Heist Thwarted by Third Layer of Protection on Quad Bathroom Doors


Photo: Pixabay / CC0

Quad residents all over can let out a huge sigh of relief after hearing this news! Disaster was averted today when three robbers fell short of their goal to break into the Quad. After the trio hacked into the PennCard System, added a malicious access code, and manufactured a counterfeit magnetic stripe that feigned that of the PennCard, it was only a matter of making it past the second round of security to get into the freshman houses. This was child’s play: the robbers were able to enter the maintenance tunnels using a ladder. Then, using a small pickaxe between the vacant hours of 3AM to 5AM every day for the past month, they were able to bore a hole through the foundations of the tunnel that landed them right on the first floor of Coxe. However, this is where the crooks ran into an unprecedented obstacle: the Riepe third floor Bishop White bathroom was locked.

Phew, that was a close one!

Today’s event comes after much criticism regarding the security measures installed in the Quad. They may seem excessive, but Chief of Penn Security Francisco Leroy believes that this attempted heist proves exactly the opposite. “We dodged a bullet today, but who is to say that tragedy won’t strike tomorrow”, Leroy said in a statement to the press.

Leroy reportedly plans to double security measures by 2018. First order of business, he claims, is to add locks to individual machines in the laundry room. “It’s absolutely harrowing to think these criminals waltzed right past hundreds of unprotected sheets, pants, and Vineyard Vines quarter zips”, Leroy stifled out.

Let today be evidence that the Quad is not impenetrable. Three layers of protective measures, locked doors and 24/7 security guards just aren't doing the job.