OP-ED: I'm Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative, and a Bagel Purist

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Photo by Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue / CC BY 2.0

I’m tired of trying to hide who I am. The hyper-liberal pressure at Penn has created a political environment that’s incredibly toxic for people like me. To dissent is to risk social alienation and an entire college career of chalking my opinion on Locust. I’ve decided that my days of hiding my true political beliefs are through. 

I’m proud to say that I’m socially liberal, fiscally conservative and a bagel purist.

I’m no longer ashamed to say that I believe in free market solutions, equal marriage rights for members of the LGBTQ community, and that there are eight canonical bagel flavors. 

The only acceptable bagel varieties are plain, salt, poppy, onion, everything, sesame, pumpernickel and cinnamon raisin (and I’m not even that sure about cinnamon raisin). If I see you eating some sort of heinous, blueberry-chocolate chip-jalapeño monstrosity, I’ll slap that ungodly bastard right out of your hand.

I no longer shake with dread when I admit that I support tax cuts for the wealthy and robust criminal justice reform, while at the same time assert that I am adamantly opposed to any kind of schmear that involves fruits or vegetables. Strawberry cream cheese? What the fuck is that? It’s either plain, scallion or lox. Get with the program.

In addition, we need to stop the rampant distribution of semi-frozen packets of Philadelphia accompanied with plastic knives that break immediately upon impact. I want my cream cheese congealed into an unseemly sphere and displayed behind the counter with pride, dammit. 

Gone are the days where I hide that I think we need to make slashing cuts to entitlement programs, protect a woman’s right to choose, and that a bagel isn’t just a roll with a hole in it. You can’t just make circular bread and call it a bagel. You need to boil that sweet, sweet thing in a bath of malty water before sticking it in the oven, you monster. Unbelievable.

I know that for those closest to me, this may be hard to hear. I’m done hiding who I am and I just hope that fellow students can accept me for the real me. Today is the first day in a life unencumbered by what others think, and I hope that one day the Penn community will embrace people like me.

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