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Student Who Has Never Heard of an Onside Kick 'Devastated' About Carson Wentz

Eagles at Redskins 9/10/17

Big news for the 14 students at Penn who genuinely enjoy sports: after a win against the LA Rams on Sunday night, the Eagles clinched the NFC East! But it wasn't all sunshine for Eagles fans. Carson Wentz, the Eagles' very talented, ginger, and North Dakotan quarterback, left the game with a season-ending ACL tear. Yikes.

Trent Jacobs (C '19), who has watched one football game in his life (at a Buffalo Wild Wings with his step-dad), was devastated to hear the news via Buzzfeed Trending. "The Eagles were so good. And because they were good, I liked them. It just sucks that Cobalt Weitz got that MCD sprain, because now the Eagles won't be as good anymore, you know?"

"Do I know how many downs a team has before they have to turn over the ball? Obviously, but my brain is pretty fried from finals so the number is escaping me. Anyways, I'm just pretty heartbroken about Cast Iron Welts shredding his ALS. I don't know, I really thought the Eagles had a shot at winning the Stanley Cup this year. Who knows what this Nick Fowls dude can do?"

Still, Jacobs remains hopeful. "I heard the Sixers are kinda decent this year. Trout the process, right?"