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Penn to Add Nate Silver to Ben on the Bench Following NCAA Optimism


Photos (with edits) by Internet Day New York / CC BY 2.0 and hey tiffany! / CC BY 2.0

FiveThirtyEight founder and statistically-significant other of your dreams, Nate Silver, will be honored as a permanent fixture on campus following his site’s favorable analysis of Penn men’s basketball. The article, which claims that Penn is the best 16th seed in NCAA history, has electrified a community that very suddenly gives a shit about college basketball and has provoked the administration to take swift, congratulatory action.

“I just can’t believe it,” says recent lifelong basketball fan Mark Shafer (N '20). “They’re giving us a 5% shot at beating Kansas. Like, considering that Kansas is very good, which I knew already, by the way, 5% is really great odds. I would know; I’m kind of a sports stats nerd.” 

The Guy From Down the Hall Who Always Talks About How Bernie Would’ve Won agreed, telling UTB that, “No one gave Trump a good shot either, and look what happened. Same with Brexit! I’ve got a good feeling about this one; the pollsters are always way off.”

Penn administrators have not announced when the change to the campus landmark will be made. However, sources familiar with the matter have indicated some internal friction, as members of the administration are debating renaming “Penn Commons” to "Silver Commons."