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How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands


Photo by Renee Comet / Public Domain

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar. The next thing you know, you're shrieking in despair in the middle of Locust Walk. Yikes! Here are some quick tips to help you stop shouting "No! Me precious morsels!" like a grubby little troll every time your Oats 'n Honey crumbles in your hands. 

1. Figure out why this keeps happening in the first place

If you want to break the habit of exclaiming "No! Me precious morsels!" like a sad, little granola monster, you need to get to the root of the problem. Ask yourself: "What is causing me to react this way?" Maybe it's because feel irritable when you're hungry, or maybe it's because your mother was very emotionally withholding during your childhood and you still haven't worked through the deep fear of inadequacy that her psychological torment left behind. Once you figure out why you have such a strong reaction to the daily inconvenience of your crumbling granola bar, you can figure out what steps to take next.

2. Change the way you eat

There are plenty of ways to eat a Nature Valley granola bar other than just sinking your grimy, yellow Chiclet-teeth into its brittle flesh like a dirty oaf. You can try smashing it over your head and eating the crumbs with milk, blending it into a smoothie, or absorbing it into your skin. These are all tasty and highly effective methods of avoiding the devastation that is watching your crunchy midday snack dissolve into dust and blow away into the crisp Philadelphia wind, prompting you to howl "No! Me precious morsels!" at the cursed sky.

3. Shout something different instead

If you don't want to be that guy roaring "No! Me precious morsels!" for all to hear like the wrathful little goblin you are, simply pick something else to scream when your whole-grain treat decomposes in your filthy gremlin hands. Some good replacement phrases include: "Ain't that a goddamn shame!," "Well, gosh darn it to heck!," "Curse, you Nature Valley!," and "I am ready to die now, God! Strike me down, O mighty deity, so that I may escape this tortuous labyrinth we call 'life!'"