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​SHS Finds 100% Correlation Between Students Who Visit Them and Students Who Have Mono


Penn researchers have announced the discovery of a definite, clear, 100% correlation between the students who visit SHS and the chance that they will be told they have mono by the highly adept SHS staff.

The discovery was made by sophomore Keith Porbant (C ’20). Every time he would feel a little sick and would pay a visit to Student Health, it would almost become routine that he would end up walking out with a diagnosis of mononucleosis. “Sometimes they wouldn’t even ask me what was wrong. They just handed me a note with ‘you def have mono’ written on it.”

“I honestly just assume all of these kids have mono,” said one Student Health worker, well aware of the major mono problem on campus. “That said, that student did share he hadn’t kissed anyone in over a year... Yeah, I know right? Someone get this kid laid STAT."