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Penn Law Professors Confer: Wanting to Fuck Gritty the Mascot Does Not Make You a Furry

Illustration by Seyoung An / The Daily Pennsylvanian

A group of Penn Law professors has come to the conclusion that wanting to fuck Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot, does not make you a furry.

The professors called an emergency conference immediately following the Flyers' announcement of the new mascot last Monday. They had been working continuously for over a week—pausing deliberations only to use the bathroom and call their families—until they released their official statement early Tuesday morning. 

The personification of a neck beard with a wandering eye, Gritty stole the hearts of Philadelphians, and indeed, the entire country. It was not long before fans began sexualizing the voluptuous, bushy monster, turning the sports mascot into an erotic figure.

"We knew this would be a red-hot issue with profound political ramifications," said one of the professors, who requested anonymity. "With a character like Gritty, who straddles the line between beast and man, it is imperative to set legal precedent on the status of his romantic admirers early, before issues inevitably arise."

But in the week between Gritty's debut and the committee's announcement, fans were left to wonder whether their insatiable sexual thirst for the character would classify them as a furry. "The past few days have been confusing, to say the least," said Raul Jenkins (W '21), who described his attraction to the beloved anthropomorphized trash fire as "magnetic." He and his group of friends, who all expressed carnal inclinations towards the Flyers emblem, waited patiently for experts to weigh in.

"To know that we are free of the stigmatizing label of 'furry' has lifted a huge weight off our shoulders," Jenkins said.

"People who are sexually aroused by Gritty need not cross their legs in shame," the law professors' statement reads. "By definition, a 'furry fetish' requires that object of desire is both non-human and abnormal in nature. In the case of Gritty, the evidence has shown that his sex appeal is anything but abnormal."

"The fact of the matter is," the statement concluded, "we all want to fuck Gritty."