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Penn Quaker Method Acting to Prepare for Starring Role in New Horror Franchise


The Daily Pennsylvanian

The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters. 

“I was already on edge that night,” explained Lambert, her voice tainted with fear. “I had trekked all the way to the fourth floor of Van Pelt to take a shit in peace, but someone was already there.” 

“I heard him before anything else,” she whispered, eyes wide. “Worming into my ear drum was that thick wheezing which oozed from behind his foam teeth.” Cowering in the stall, Lambert tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. After unlocking the stall door and seeing nothing, Lambert sighed with relief before washing her hands and making a break for the exit. Her hand on the door, Lambert recoiled when a thick, fuzzy hand seized her shoulder. “I turned to look behind me, and immediately froze in his icy, soulless gaze. It was the Penn Quaker.” Her screams caught in her throat, Lambert flew from the scene, practically throwing herself down the stairwell and the front steps of Van Pelt. 

“I was scared out of my mind,” said Lambert, the anguish of the night dripping from her every word. “I swear that I could hear the sound of foam on pavement, but it would stop every time I turned around.” Her calves aching as she sped for the Quad, Lambert stopped suddenly in her tracks. A monstrous foam figure, silhouetted by the moon, stood on top of the Compass, its tricorn hat bowed in menace. 

“I started sobbing,” Lambert recalled. “Then, I heard the sound of a golf cart speeding behind me.” Lambert reported that she saw President Gutmann dismount from the vehicle, a chain clutched firmly in her hand. Her face a grimace of exertion, Gutmann lassoed the creature with the chain and then forced it into the vehicle before speeding off into the night.

When reached for comment, Gutmann gave the following statement:

“Penn is thrilled to announce that our beloved Ben has become the face of his own horror franchise, A Nightmare on Locust Walk. As he is a strong believer in method acting, students should expect regular terrifying encounters with our cherished psychotic mascot.”