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Thirsty Freshmen Head to Frat Party, Leave With Five Gallons of Water


Photo by Jason Pratt / CC by 2.0

It was another sultry Saturday evening on Penn’s campus, and, as usual, Caroline Smithbanes (W '22) and Brandon Kennedy (N '22) had a thirst that only boys could satisfy. Unfortunately for Smithbanes and Kennedy, Penn was in the midst of a boy drought. Due to a combination of unfavorable conditions on campus, it would not be raining men for quite some time; in fact, in the coming weeks they could barely expect a drizzle. 

The thirsty thots were undeterred, however, and wandered aimlessly from frat to frat, cracking open cold ones to find the hot, delicious boy of their dreams. Unfortunately for the dissolute duo, although many cold ones were enjoyed, there were no beautiful boys who could make their knees quake tonight and their legs useless tomorrow. The night got so dire that the two actually hit on a Bruce as ugly as his name. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), Bruce had a vitamin D deficiency and “really had to go home and eat his mackerel paste.”

The night was growing old, and Smithbanes and Kennedy were getting more desperate by the minute. “We were in a really rough patch,” admitted Smithbanes, reflecting on the experience. “By that point we had drank so much alcohol and grinded on so many ugly boys that we actually worked up a deep, genuine thirst.”

Kennedy nodded in agreement. “Being a slut is a lot of hard work, and you can really work up a sizable thirst if you’re not careful. Luckily for us, right after the hundredth playing of “Mo Bamba” we spotted her: the most beautiful five gallons of water that you ever saw.”

“Brandon and I were instantly aroused,” continued Smithbanes, “and in that moment we were so thirsty and feeling so naughty that we knew that we had to steal it or else we would literally combust. So, we did.” 

Frat brothers on the scene sober enough to remember report that Smithbanes and Kennedy could be spotted exiting the house with a giant five gallon water bottle in tow, laughing maniacally and frothing at the mouth. 

“In a word the experience was orgasmic,” Kennedy said with a small satisfied smile. “Ordinarily, most people think that there’s nothing special about five gallons of water, but when you’re horny af and are craving the explosive, euphoric feeling of coitus done right, petty theft does the job pretty well, too.”

“Like yeah, sure, I genuinely thought that there was nothing that could top the feeling of sex,” added Smithbanes. “But honestly, stealing that water really put things in perspective. The high Brandon and I felt that night was so good that we decided to go out again this weekend and steal ten gallons of water.” Biting her lip at the thought, Smithbanes concluded, “why be a thirsty thot when you can be a hydrated hoe?”