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Self-Care Queen! Girl Finally Settles Down to Do Homework, Drops Class Instead


Photo By Gelver Redfield / CC0

After a long Thursday night avoiding her responsibilities, Katrina Sarai (C ‘22) stumbled into her room at 2:30 A.M. only “moderately to severely high” and “just a bit tipsy.” In the perfect state to be productive, Sarai buckled down to get a head start on that Astronomy 001 homework due at 8:00 A.M. 

As her brain choked on a smog of marijuana, alcohol, and sleep deprivation, Sarai had a revelation. Without another thought, she opened PennInTouch and dropped the course. Exhausted, Sarai fell fast asleep at her desk. Sarai reported that she woke up with a smile across her face and a deeper understanding of "her place in the universe." 

“Astronomy was honestly too much for me this semester,” explained Sarai, whose other courses include Psych 001, Iranian Cinema, Beginning Sitar I, and Music 007. “Five classes is, like, a lot,” explained the freshman who said the same thing about her four courses last semester. 

“We live in such a fast-paced society these days, we forget to make time for the things that truly matter.” Sarai explained that she cares deeply about binge-watching Netflix, scrolling through social media, and getting absolutely blasted. 

Ever since her bold decision, Sarai's friends and acquaintances have hailed her as a self-care god. Courtney Landis, Sarai’s roommate, felt honored to have been a witness to her roommate’s inspiring actions. 

“That girl is my hero,” said an emotional Landis, dabbing at her eye with a tissue. “We told ourselves 2019 would be the year of self-care, but goddammit Katrina really meant it. I’m really glad that someone in our generation is leading the charge against our country’s overwhelming pseudo-meritocratic system by just straight-up not giving a fuck.”