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OP-ED: Why Is It Called Morning Wood and Not Breakfast Sausage?


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

For people with penises, waking up in the morning with an erection is simply a part of everyday life. Scientists call this phenomenon "nocturnal penile tumescence," but we usually call it by its nickname: "morning wood." 

And that's fine. Morning wood is a cute enough name, I guess, to describe what's going on when one is greeted  in their waking hour by what resembles a small telephone pole pitching a tent from their bedsheets. Though I'll admit that I'm not linguist, I do have a bone to pick with this boner terminology. 

All I'm saying is, why are we still — in the year of our Lord 2019 — calling it morning wood when we could be calling it "breakfast sausage?"

While morning wood captures both the timeframe we're working with and the, ahem, hardness aspect of the issue, it's hardly cinematic. Breakfast sausage, on the other hand, paints a fucking picture. It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste. What more could you ask for? 

Morning wood, as it stands, is far from bad. But the fact of the matter is, there is a better way. And that is the way of breakfast sausage, the perfect early-morning, meaty treat you'll actually want to wake up to. 

So the next time you refer to the rocket in your pajama pocket, please, for the love of God and continental breakfast, ixnay on the morning wood, and say good morning to breakfast sausage.