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Home Sweet Home! Freshmen Find the Housing of Their Dreams: The Dumpster Behind Tortas


Photo by Tom Longfield / CC BY 2.0

Finding housing is one of the more difficult challenges that students face, but for five lucky freshmen, things couldn’t have worked out better.

“It was rough finding a property that fit our budgets and demands, but I think we’ve found the housing situation of our dreams,” said Wendy Salsh (C ‘22), a smile stretched large across her face. “Not long ago we thought that the dumpster behind Tortas was just for half-eaten molletes and expired guac, but we were wrong. It actually has enough space for five tenants if you, like, really squeeze in there.”

Jackson Wick (C ‘22), Salsh’s future roommate, was also pleasantly surprised by his future home. “We were looking at HamCo for a long time because of all its amenities, but it was too expensive. Thankfully, although the room selection period was over, the University swooped in and offered this dumpster for the low rent of $1,500 a month.” 

Michael Lucas (E '22), another future tenant, expressed his enthusiasm for his sophomore year housing. “Locust Walk is literally our backyard, and we don’t even need a dining plan because we get free tortas everyday at 5:00 when they take out the trash. Plus, Tortas' cuisine is so inedible to begin with that you barely notice the difference when it’s half-eaten and soaked in salsa.” 

“And their pet policy is so lenient,” interjected another enthused freshman, Brandon Kennedy (N ‘22). "Plus we don’t even need to feed them — they’ll just finish whatever tortas we can’t eat for dinner.” 

Despite the high likelihood of conflict, Salsh remains confident. “I can’t believe Penn is requiring all sophomores live on campus soon. We’re responsible adults, and we’re more than capable of choosing the best dumpster in which to spend our next three years at Penn.”