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Innovative! This Freshman Boy Has Been Amazon Priming New Underwear All Year Instead of Doing His Laundry


Photo by midorisyu / CC by 2.0

Richard Fawkes (C ‘22) likes to think of himself as an innovator. He is, after all, a proud student at this University, and, as he’s quick to point out to everyone who didn’t ask, will be starting an uncoordinated dual degree with Wharton next fall. He is also quick to overshare the fact that he hasn’t done a load of laundry since September, but instead orders new underwear online whenever he needs a fresh batch. 

Doing laundry is too much for Richard. He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions. “If I can’t comfortably do it from my favorite nook in Huntsman Hall, then it isn’t getting done,” declared Fawkes as he browsed for his next five pack of underwear, settling on Calvin Klein’s Cotton Classics. “Look how easy this is,” explained Fawkes, “the amount of time and effort this saves me really helps me max out my productivity and my mom and dad’s credit card.”  After speaking Fawkes didn’t even look up from his screen, flipping tabs to his thriving Cookie Clicker business. 

When asked where all of his old underwear has gone, Fawkes simply shrugged. “I dunno, and honestly I don’t really care. I don’t like being in my room more than I have to, anyway. Maybe it’s mold or something, but it just smells really bad in there for some reason.” 

As for the rest of his clothing, Fawkes claims that it “smells just fine” and that “you don’t really need to wash jeans, like, ever,” and right after pointed out that he hasn’t washed the shirt or the pants he was wearing since he bought them. “Because, like, what if I want to return them one day? Not washing them is the only economically responsible choice.”

The few close friends that Fawkes has retained over the course of the year (and who have requested to remain anonymous) told UTB reporters that everyday they beg Fawkes to “at least throw his clothes in a puddle or something” and to stop wasting money on “underwear that isn’t even that cute.”